Types of Girls That Scare Me

Girls are great. I love them. Maybe too much. I love bro-ing down with my bros and having some bro time just like any other bro, but after awhile, I need some ladies in my life. Not in a flirty, creepy, sexual way, I just need some females in, on, or around my life. It's essential. Like water, minus the whole "you'll die if you don't have it" thing. BUT some girls are OMGZHOLYCRAP crazy and it's horrifying. Not every girl, just certain ones. Here it goes.

1. The Self Photographer

WE GET IT. YOU'RE HOT AND YOU WANT US TO KNOW IT. Yeah, I get that sometimes you want us to see your new haircut or your new shoes or whatever, but that shouldn't be too common. What's even crazier is when girls put up a picture of them making the "duck face" and then add some random lyric, Bible verse, or fem-nazi quote as the caption as if it justifies the self pic. How does that make any sense?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me <3" Phil 4:13

Great verse but girl, what the heck is wrong with your dumb stupid brain. 

2. The Ambiguous Tweeter

Nothing says "I'm an immature little baby child" like going to Twitter and saying things like:

"Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't so two-faced"

"Oh ok, I guess I'm only your friend when it's convenient for you."

"I wish people cared about other people more than themselves."

These are all random, but I see this ALL the time. It's awful. If you have a problem with someone, GO TALK TO THEM OR SHUT UP. No one wants to hear it, and even if we did, you're being so ambiguous that I don't even know what the heck you're talking about, and that's no fun for anyone.

3. The "I'm Not Like Other Girls" Girl

You know who thinks they aren't like every other girl? EVERY OTHER GIRL. As soon as a girl says that, I know that not only is she like every other girl, she's also a little cray cray in the dome piece. Not a fan. I'm alot like every other guy, no shame in admitting it.Yes, I'm my own person, but most guys have a lot in common, and so do you, ladies.

4. The "I Don't Get Along With Other Girls" Girl

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. If you only have one best girl friend at a time and they come and go every couple of months, you are trouble. I will put BIG money on that, every time. People are really easy to get along with as long as you're not selfish, so if you have multiple best friends who have become enemies, you're either a bad judge of character or bat crap crazy.

5. The Sad Single Girl

Listen, it's very hard for me to feel bad about how sad and lonely you are and how much you want a cuddle buddy when I'M SAD AND LONELY AND ALSO NEED A CUDDLE BUDDY. That's a lie. I have Duck to cuddle with but he's not very talkative. Kinda boring. But yeah, if you can't be happy single, you're not gonna be happy in a relationship either, so that means you're just not a happy person, and I am wayyyyy to peppy to deal with that.

I could go on, but that's it for now. Ladies, I love ya, and to those who don't do this stuff, I love ya even more. Let's hug. Like this:

"CANNNN YOU FEEELLLL THE LOVEEE TONIGHTTTTT LITTLE BUNNIESSSSS"

I Bought a Stuffed Duck. His name is Duck.

That's Duck! On the right. Not the dog, but the duck. I'm a father kinda! Two weeks ago I was heading up to Toronto to play some music with some cool guys. We all decided to stop at a grocery store the night before and pick up food, drinks, and snacks to save money on the trip. Instead, I dropped $22 on this duck, like an idiot. I found him abandoned in the home goods section, aisles and aisles away from all his other stuffed Easter buddies. I couldn't just leave him!!! HE NEEDED ME! So, I bought him, and when I told the elderly cashier lady I was in my mid-twenties she looked at me in disgust and asked if I was sick in the head. CLEARLY she has no heart, like this guy:

Anyway, I love Duck, and he loves me, and he's basically got swag on swag on swag. So much duck swag. Let me give you the stats:

• Barking/Quacking: Never
• Food Costs: $0
• Vet Costs: $0
• Poops: Rarely 
• Cuddleability: 1037% (I don't know what that means but it feels accurate)

Basically, Duck is the man, and I love his squishy duck face. Best pet ever. I'm a freakin' baby child and I don't even care. Not even a little.

LOOK AT THIS FACE! So much love.