The Men's Guide to Chapstick

I, like most people, have a very strict routine for preparing myself for the day before I leave the house. Wallet goes in the back right pocket (don't rob me), guitar picks and spare change in my front right (again,don't rob me, but if you do, pick this pocket instead), keys go on a carabiner hanging off my right-most belt loop (scene points) and last but not least the iPhone and Chapstick go in the left pocket. IF YOU COME NEAR THAT POCKET I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR FACE!! TO DEATH!! AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!! 

Look at my list of valued possessions and you'll understand why:

1. iPhone

2. Chapstick

3. Back-up Chapstick

4. Family and Friends

5. Back-up back-up Chapstick.

Yes, ChapStick is pretty important to me. If you've read my blog on Bad Kissers, I demonstrated that my lips are mildly gigantic. It's borderline disgusting. So, Chapstick is a pretty essential part of maintaining those suckers. 

"Dean, Chapstick is for girls!"

WRONG, READER! ChapStick is for dudes! Flaky lips are gross, regardless of gender, and I don't want them. That being said, my fellow bro-man-dudes and I can't just jump up in public and scream "I'M GOING TO MOISTEN MY LIPS NOW!" and not expect people to question our sexuality. SO here's some guidelines for my fellow man:

1, Be Sneaky

Don't just put it on mid-conversation with another dude. Wait until you go in the bathroom or walk behind a wall or something. Nothing says "I'm getting ready to suck your face" like putting on ChapStick while someone's talking to you. **LADIES: If you're talking to me and I put on ChapStick I promise I'm not going to kiss rape you. Don't be scared. Scurred. Don't be scurrreeeedddd. But seriously I'm addicted and I put it on without even thinking about it.**

2, Don't Do the "Post-application Pucker"

You know that kiss-looking thing girls do after they put on lipstick? Yeah, don't do that. Ever. I'll smack ya. With an animal. Maybe a duck. 

3. NO FLAVORS

Yes.

Great choice!

Why not?

                                         

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YA FAIRY!

Yeah, you get the point.

Men, embrace the ChapStick, let's just keep it as manly as possible. Keeping your lips smooth doesn't mean you have to start taking ballet lessons and writing haikus about how no one understands you. Let's take back Chap Stick, FOR MEN! And once that's done, let's all look at this adorable puppy.

I don't even understand why he's cute but dang, look at his freakin' cute puppy face!

How I Can Stop Identity Theft

I woke up this morning and went about my usual routine: up at 6am, made a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and pancakes, had a delicious chai latte, and ended it all with a brisk 5 mile jog...HA. That's a lie. I woke up at 10:30am and played on my iPhone until 11:45am. But I opened up my laptop to log onto the good ol' Face Book Dot Com only to find that my account was locked because SOMEONE IN FREAKIN' THAILAND LOGGED INTO MY ACCOUNT! I imagine he looked like this:

"OH HERRO! I RIKE A TAKE A DEAN'S FRACE BROOK!"

** WARNING: Do not Google Image search "Thai Boy" unless your Safe Search is on Strict. Not ok, Thailand. Not. Ok.**

I'd also like to clarify that I am not a racist and I love all of God's people, but fake Asian accents are the most fun thing EVER. You can't argue with me, it's science.

So yeah, I'm a little upset with Ping Pong over there thinking he can just hop on the interwebs and log into MY Facebook just for the fun of it! What a jerk! GET YOUR OWN IDENTITY PING PONG!!! Also, if you're going to steal someone's identity, why me? I'm not that cool...KIDDING. My identity is TOTALLY worth stealing. I'm mildly awesome/ decently marvelous. 

Sooooooo how can I protect myself from identity thieves? This is my game plan:

1. Buy a Gun

It's only a matter of time before bullets can travel via email, and when that time comes, Ping Pong is getting two right between the eyes...or maybe in his spam folder? Sorry, I still don't completely understand the technology.

2. Change my password to "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

This way, no one will have any idea what my password i...wait...crap. I guess I just ruined that idea. I SUCK AT THIS. Ok how about...

3. Stop Using The Internet

YEAH! Try getting your grubby e-hands on me now, PING PONG! I just won't use the Internet ever again, starting right now.........

....................................

......................................................

..................................................OK I'M BACK. That was the longest 15 seconds of my life. Hmmmm I could always try...

4. Buying an Attack Dog!

He's the the meanest, scariest, most threatening animal known to man, and just the knowledge that I own this dog will keep Identity Thieves at bay.

Made this myself. Kinda proud.

Gosh, I freakin' love Boo. I hope this works. If not, at least I have some Boo in my life. He's the best.

5. Beg For Mercy

Dear Online Thieves,

Please leave me alone. I'm a very nice person and I have little to nothing to offer you outside of a few chuckles. Maybe. On a good day. But for real, GO AWAY PING PONG. My Facebook is not worth your time. BE MERCIFUL UPON ME INTERNET GOD OF iDeath!

Love, 

Me

Ok that's it. I changed my password and I think my Facebook is safe...for now. Identity thieves are just big meanies. Jerks. :'(

Social Media Isn't For Venting

Let me show you a hypothetical conversation that never happens:

"Hey you have a Twitter? You should follow me! I complain all day about how hard it is being a middle class American and how much I hate the opposite sex!"

"Awesome! I've been looking for a way to read negative crap all day! I'll follow you right now!"

"Sometimes I rant about how much I hate my friends and family! If you're lucky, I'll give out awkward personal information about them that changes your opinion of them forever!"

"YES I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THESE TWEETS!"

Yeah, that doesn't happen. We all have bad days. Yes, some people suck. Yes, we all need a release from the stress of life, but we all have too much crap in our own lives to deal with all of your negative crap, too. Instead of being super depressing and spreading negativity, why not try:

1. Hitting a Punching Bag

Just wail on this sucker until you're too tired to cry or tweet sad emo stuff.

2. Going for a Run
Jogging, or yogging (it might be a soft "j"), is a great release. Instead of crying like a 5 year old, just put one foot in front of the other at a brisk pace. You'll work up a good sweat, relieve some stress, and I won't unfollow you! AWESOME!

3. Cry in the Mirror
Crying actually releases hormones which, in turn, makes you less sad. That's science. So why do it in front of a mirror? This way, you can clearly see that you are an adult, acting like a baby. Hopefully this only lasts a few seconds until you feel dumb and stop being so freakin' emo.

4. Watch this
If you can watch this video and still be sad, you have no soul. I LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!

I get that we look to our friends for comfort and support when times get hard, but a public forum like Facebook or Twitter is not the place to do it. It's annoying, and no one wants to have negative crap forced on them all day. Life is tough enough without it. This is a genuine challenge: for one week, only tweet or share positive things that build people up instead of bringing people down. Not only will you be helping friends who are having a hard time, but you'll probably improve your own mood as well....and I won't hate you :) LOOK AT THIS CUTE FREAKIN' PUPPY!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!