If I Went On Shark Tank

We've all seen Shark Tank. We all love Shark Tank. Smart people with great ideas go on there and you think "Why didn't I think of that?!" Then a woman goes on there and talks about how she invented gloves for her cats and she calls them "Cittens" because it's a mix of "cat" and "mittens" and doesn't realize that it's confusing that it just looks like she misspelled "kittens" which is already a complete word for cats by itself. Then they ask how much she's made already, she says nothing, her husband says he's $2 million in the hole and they say he's dumb, the wife cries, and we all collectively shake our heads. Like this. SMH. Now if I went on there, things would be different.

I waltz in and I'm all like "Hello. My name is Dean Purificato." Calm. Still. Cool. I scan the room and THANK GOD Barbara is there instead of Lori because MY GOODNESS Lori is so mean! Just ripping people to shreds and I'm all

QVC seemed like such a happy place until I got to know her. Now it makes me nervous. 

So now I unveil my product: the ZOOMBA. It's like a Roomba, but FASTER. "Dean...Zumba is a thing already and you already made fun of the "Cittens lady..." Guys, just stop. ZOOMBA is taking over so you can get on board or step aside.

So Herjavec asks me how much I want and I say "You seem nice Robert. We can be friends, but no one comes on this show to work with you. I'm OUT." Barbara asks me to be her boyfriend. I politely decline. Daymond is laughing at my idea already so before he can say anything I say "Oh FUBU? The brand we totally forgot about until you came on here and reminded us you started it? OUT." Mr. Wonderful offers me $10 million for 5% because he's smart. Cuban counters with $15 million for 5%. I say I need a minute, step out into the hallway, and call my family at home on my ZOOMBA. Oh yeah, ZOOMBA is also a smart phone. TAKE THAT HATERS. So I tell my family I'm rich, they're all so happy for me and my parents tell me I'm finally the second favorite sibling and hang up on me. Gosh. Sweet, sweet victory. Love this show. Love my new ZOOMBA life. 

Thank you, Shark Tank. In conclusion, here's a cat in a shark costume riding a Roomba and chasing a baby duck.

I Bought a Stuffed Duck. His name is Duck.

That's Duck! On the right. Not the dog, but the duck. I'm a father kinda! Two weeks ago I was heading up to Toronto to play some music with some cool guys. We all decided to stop at a grocery store the night before and pick up food, drinks, and snacks to save money on the trip. Instead, I dropped $22 on this duck, like an idiot. I found him abandoned in the home goods section, aisles and aisles away from all his other stuffed Easter buddies. I couldn't just leave him!!! HE NEEDED ME! So, I bought him, and when I told the elderly cashier lady I was in my mid-twenties she looked at me in disgust and asked if I was sick in the head. CLEARLY she has no heart, like this guy:

Anyway, I love Duck, and he loves me, and he's basically got swag on swag on swag. So much duck swag. Let me give you the stats:

• Barking/Quacking: Never
• Food Costs: $0
• Vet Costs: $0
• Poops: Rarely 
• Cuddleability: 1037% (I don't know what that means but it feels accurate)

Basically, Duck is the man, and I love his squishy duck face. Best pet ever. I'm a freakin' baby child and I don't even care. Not even a little.

LOOK AT THIS FACE! So much love.