What My Job Is Like: Useless Statistics

As a 25 year old who has recently gone back to college, I've also been reintroduced to the world of "the mindless minimum wage job". I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop so my job consists of the following: 

1) Telling people how much their yogurt costs 

2) Eating frozen yogurt

3) Taking their money

4) Eating frozen yogurt

5) Flashing a smile and saying something charming/witty in hopes of a tip

6) Eating frozen yogurt

7) Occasionally wiping down a table or emptying a trash bag

8) Eat. The. Yog.

Fun times all around. But not really. It gets boring QUICK. I decided last night to bring my people watching skills to a new level and keep a tally of 4 different types of people who enter our store: Cute Babies, Ugly Babies, My Future Wife/Wives, and kids I want to punch in the face. The fifth category of "Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt" was added specifically for one customer who came in and deserved some notice. Here's a breakdown of the results.

CUTE BABIES

Last night I saw 10 cute babies. That's so many cute babies! Cute babies are awesome, especially happy babies, like this one.

"I get fed and poop my pants! My life is awesome!"

Cute babies make me want to make a baby because I think I would make cute babies. This isn't about sex either. The natural way would make me wait 9 months, and I'm not feeling that. I'd rather find a Cute Baby vending machine, put in my $1.75 (yes, that's the going rate for a baby), press C7 and BOOOOOOMSHAKALAKA I gots me a little baby child!

UGLY BABIES

Last night I saw 2 ugly babies. Like, really ugly. One looked like a demon with an egg head and the other was  a red head who constantly had the "I smell poop" face. I looked that ginger baby right in the eyes while I wrote a tally under the "Ugly Baby" category. I think he knew what I was doing too.

"I have no soul."

FUTURE WIFE

Yes, I was willing to put down multiple tallies in this category if it came to it. If you know me at all, or if you've  ever read this blog before, you know I'm very dramatic and I exaggerate constantly. A beautiful girl walks by and I don't say "She's cute." Instead, I say something like "OH MY GOSH I'M IN LOVE AND I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER." That's why this category exists. Sadly, no one who came in was qualified for this title. So disappointing. In case you're wondering, my ideal future wife is some mix between Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood. "Dean, they're complete opposites." Yeah, I don't care. I want it.

#yesplease

I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR KID
We only had one of these. Pretty self-explanatory. If your child is screaming in public because they want more gummy worms, they deserve a solid right hook to the face plate from an adult, preferably me. Or maybe you're an awful parent who doesn't care about your evil demon spawn so YOU deserve the punch?! Yeah, probably.

Oh, I'll hit ya. I'll do it! LET'S DANCE JUNIOR!!!

Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt
So. Freakin. Scary. She had maybe 2 teeth. Maybe. Probably in her 60's or a very weathered 50's. She was so loud and I could barely understand what she was saying (probably due to the lack of teefs). Her shirt said something like "Her scent is like a drug" or something else super lame and Twilighty. She was worth mentioning. I'm pretty sure my face looked like this the whole time I dealt with her:

That pretty much sums up the inner torment torment brought on me by this horrific woman. Terrible.





In conclusion, my job isn't very exciting, but in just one night I learned the following:

1) 1 out of 6 babies are ugly, which really isn't so bad
2) Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood are probably coordinating their schedules right now to come see me
3) Twilight fans are scary when they're young and wayyyy scarier when they're old

I'm just here to educate the world and show you all the quality life you could be having if you were me. Yeah, totally bro. Here's a creepy cat, courtesy of my friend Bre.

"No I'm not hiding anything behind this wall...."