East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

What My Job Is Like: Useless Statistics

As a 25 year old who has recently gone back to college, I've also been reintroduced to the world of "the mindless minimum wage job". I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop so my job consists of the following: 

1) Telling people how much their yogurt costs 

2) Eating frozen yogurt

3) Taking their money

4) Eating frozen yogurt

5) Flashing a smile and saying something charming/witty in hopes of a tip

6) Eating frozen yogurt

7) Occasionally wiping down a table or emptying a trash bag

8) Eat. The. Yog.

Fun times all around. But not really. It gets boring QUICK. I decided last night to bring my people watching skills to a new level and keep a tally of 4 different types of people who enter our store: Cute Babies, Ugly Babies, My Future Wife/Wives, and kids I want to punch in the face. The fifth category of "Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt" was added specifically for one customer who came in and deserved some notice. Here's a breakdown of the results.

CUTE BABIES

Last night I saw 10 cute babies. That's so many cute babies! Cute babies are awesome, especially happy babies, like this one.

"I get fed and poop my pants! My life is awesome!"

Cute babies make me want to make a baby because I think I would make cute babies. This isn't about sex either. The natural way would make me wait 9 months, and I'm not feeling that. I'd rather find a Cute Baby vending machine, put in my $1.75 (yes, that's the going rate for a baby), press C7 and BOOOOOOMSHAKALAKA I gots me a little baby child!

UGLY BABIES

Last night I saw 2 ugly babies. Like, really ugly. One looked like a demon with an egg head and the other was  a red head who constantly had the "I smell poop" face. I looked that ginger baby right in the eyes while I wrote a tally under the "Ugly Baby" category. I think he knew what I was doing too.

"I have no soul."

FUTURE WIFE

Yes, I was willing to put down multiple tallies in this category if it came to it. If you know me at all, or if you've  ever read this blog before, you know I'm very dramatic and I exaggerate constantly. A beautiful girl walks by and I don't say "She's cute." Instead, I say something like "OH MY GOSH I'M IN LOVE AND I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER." That's why this category exists. Sadly, no one who came in was qualified for this title. So disappointing. In case you're wondering, my ideal future wife is some mix between Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood. "Dean, they're complete opposites." Yeah, I don't care. I want it.

#yesplease

I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR KID
We only had one of these. Pretty self-explanatory. If your child is screaming in public because they want more gummy worms, they deserve a solid right hook to the face plate from an adult, preferably me. Or maybe you're an awful parent who doesn't care about your evil demon spawn so YOU deserve the punch?! Yeah, probably.

Oh, I'll hit ya. I'll do it! LET'S DANCE JUNIOR!!!

Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt
So. Freakin. Scary. She had maybe 2 teeth. Maybe. Probably in her 60's or a very weathered 50's. She was so loud and I could barely understand what she was saying (probably due to the lack of teefs). Her shirt said something like "Her scent is like a drug" or something else super lame and Twilighty. She was worth mentioning. I'm pretty sure my face looked like this the whole time I dealt with her:

That pretty much sums up the inner torment torment brought on me by this horrific woman. Terrible.





In conclusion, my job isn't very exciting, but in just one night I learned the following:

1) 1 out of 6 babies are ugly, which really isn't so bad
2) Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood are probably coordinating their schedules right now to come see me
3) Twilight fans are scary when they're young and wayyyy scarier when they're old

I'm just here to educate the world and show you all the quality life you could be having if you were me. Yeah, totally bro. Here's a creepy cat, courtesy of my friend Bre.

"No I'm not hiding anything behind this wall...."