Had a little medical "procedure" today. Nothing to be concerned about/involving ebola, but the anesthesia is still wearing off so this blog is going to be extra great (stupid)!
So, I don't know much about Ebola but I know it's totes the worst. I think it's when an arctic fox sneaks into your bed at night and rubs his tail on your face and creates an alternate universe in your tummy where arctic foxes rule and we are their slaves? Sounds awful. Here's how to avoid it.
1. Stop Buying Canned Ebola
Yes, I know, canned food is cheap and convenient, but it's bad for you, especially when it's Ebola. Don't give into Walmart's 2-for-1 deal, as tempting as it is. Try Spam instead. Not only is it a trusted name, it's also not Ebola.
2. Punch It In the Nose or Gills
When swimming in open waters with a bleeding wound, you're bound to attract some Ebolas. Stay calm, and when the Ebola approaches you, punch it firmly in the nose or gills and swim away as fast as you can. If you have the ability to grow a mermaid tail for increased speed, this is a great time to use that skill. Also, that's cool. Be my friend.
3. Never Leave Your House Until You Die
Get a BJ's or Costco membership. Buy all the foods. All. Quit your job. Pay extra for HBO and other premium channels. Learn to play accordion. Do a few crosswords. Repeat until you aren't alive anymore and/or you are dead.
4. Avoid Travel to Ebola
Ebola is the capital of Nebraska, which is the capital of Tulsa. Don't go there. Too much Ebola. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe take an astronomy class. *condescedning eye roll*
5. Do Everything They Did In the Movie "Armageddon"
Remember that movie? So good. I DON'T WANNA CLOSEEEEE MY EYESSS, I DON'T WANNA GETTT EBOLAAAA. Love The Stones man. Killed that song. KIDDING. I know Depeche Mode sang that. So yeah, find some guys who can drill for oil. Teach them to be astronauts. Obviously this is easier than teaching an astronaut how to drill. (Apparently Ben Affleck actually brought this point up but was told to shut his mouth. Saw that on the Internet somewhere.) So yeah, once they master the art of Astronautology, send them into space to land on the Ebola and blow it up. Then marry Liv Tyler while a picture of everyone that died up there watches you, because that's totally not creepy and awkward. See link:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LCPZWkzMYEc
So there ya go! The choice for me, Ebola free. Stay classy San Diego. Gonna take a nap now. Smooches.
Ummm......YEEEESSSSS!!!! And I'm pretty sure it was the Spice Girls who sang that song. Nice try though.
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