My Guide to Better Halloween Costumes

Smells like updog in this blog. What's up dog?! Those dogs! Ha. I don't know how to do jokes. Happy Halloween kiddos. Today, I'm going to show you all how to take a few typical costumes and make them SUPER AWESOME. Let's go.

Ghost

Put a sheet over your head and cut out eye holes. Ghost. But, what if you cut out a neck hole? Then a hole for arms? Then cut the sheet so it stops right below your waist?! Then you have a stylish and trendy ghost costume, or what some would call "a shirt."

Vocation

So you want to be a teacher/fireman/policeman. Very admirable. Classic. Now ladies, here's an idea. Be that, but make everything way too short and way too tight. That way people will value you for your creativity and innovation instead of just admiring your body. You'll attract the classiest of suitors and be engaged in 3 months, tops. 

Zombie 

Zombies are all the rage, ever since that zombie show got so popular, "The View." Sure, you could pay for a costume or get elaborate makeup, but who has time for that? For best results, don't eat, drink, or sleep for 4 months prior to costume night, then go to a party looking like death and eat your friends. 

Guy Who Doesn't Dress Up

So you don't like to dress up. That's cool. You're just going to wear your normal clothes, and that's fine. Now here's the spin to make it even better: don't go to the party I'm at because you're awful and I don't like you.

Animal

I like animal costumes. Totally being a penguin this year and MY GOSH I look adorable. But do you know how you kick it up a notch? Weapons. OBVIOUSLY. A cow with a machine gun. A mouse with swords. Or completely flip things around and dress like a grenade and throw cats at people. Now no one even knows what the heck is going on and your friend "isn't allowed to bring their weird friend to their party again." That's you. The weird friend. They may not like you, but you can bet your slingshot-wielding donkey they'll respect you.

Anything Plus Second Language

"Oh cool, you're a vampire."

"Yes."

"Having fun?"

"Sí"

"OH MY GOSH A BILINGUAL VAMPIRE?! Everyone get in here and check out this cool guy!"

That's how that will go. Every time. For even better results: trilingual. But stretch first. Gotta limber up. Can't go pulling a hammy pre-party.

So there you have it! Everyone is going to see your improved costume and be all like "Wow, way to go the extra mile, you go-getter. You so fly. All these hunnies are totes feelin' your vibe." Because that's how people talk. So go out, have fun, and drink and drive because it's terrible. Happy Halloween!