Terrible Ways To Get a Significant Other Before the Holidays (That Might Work)

Well, you're still single. Thanksgiving is over so you already endured Round 1 of the "When are you going to settle down?" Olympic, but Round 2, the Christmas Round, this is where heroes are born and the weak crumble. This is where your singleness is truly tested. Your Mom's refrigerator is STOCKED with Christmas cards, full of newlyweds, young families, all the things she wants you to be that you're sooooo far from being. Your Facebook feed will be cranking out 3 to 17 engagements a day all up in your face, just reminding you where the bar is and how far you are below it. So now you're in a panic. Christmas is only about 2 weeks away. Time to make moves. So, I give you...

TERRIBLE WAYS TO GET A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS 

(THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK)

1. Download ALL the dating apps

ALL. Not one. "Oh I already have Tinder." No. Shut up. Child's play. You need a designated folder on your phone full of Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel (yeah it's a thing), ALL OF THEM. "Should I even have to pay for eHarmony and Match.com?" I don't know, are you reading this for fun or because YOU WANT RESULTS. "FarmersOnly?" Farmers haven't seen another human that's not related to them since Ma and Pa sent them to the market to buy milk from Ol' Mr. Withers. Get yourself a flannel and get the heck on there. You're gonna look like a hard 10 when to the rest of us know you're like a 6, maybe a 7 tops when you make an effort.

2. Make sure you don't make anyone feel special

Ok maybe you're out there already and you have some potential applicants around you. How do you seal the deal? Make sure they think you don't like them, OBVIOUSLY. There was a time you could grow a beard, build a girl a house, write her a letter every day, and she'd be all like "Aw kisses." NOT TODAY. Now it's "Too much" or "creepy" or "You need a zoning permit." The game has changed. Tables are turned. You want a girl to want you? Make her think you don't want her! Take a picture with another girl and post it as your #WCW (woman crush wednesday) and watch the texts FLOOD in. You want that guy to text you? Save a photo from any guy's Facebook page and post him as your #MCM (man crush monday) and I bet he hits you up with a "Hey sorry been so busy and I have arthritis so I couldn't take 5 seconds to text back." You know, that bologna. (Please read that as buh-LOG-nuh.) People don't want love, they want a challenge because their life is boring, and that my friend, is where YOU come in.

3. Um... Become more attractive?

I'm going to level with you, you've got two weeks. Not easy. Options are limited. Read some articles on GQ, hit the gym, start being a happy person that loves life, whatever you can muster. "Dean this isn't helping me be more attractive." LISTEN if there was a sure-fire way to be more attractive I would have done it by now and dating someone great and probably at a winery talking about the future instead of writing this stupid INCREDIBLY HELPFUL blog. Just like, be hot. Get your babe on. Go do it. Just, go on. Dobby is free now. 

4. Don't make Harry Potter References. You're a 29 year old man. Have some respect for yourself and be an adult. 

See above.

Well, if that didn't help you, I don't know what will. Maybe you're destined for another holiday season where you have to tell your family about all the things you accomplished, trips you took, passions you pursued, you know, all that crap no one cares about because you're single and not married. No one wants you to be happy and successful! They want you to be THEIR KIND OF HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. So put these things into practice and do what society tells you and get married ASAP. Then when you're married and have kids and own a home and you ask them "What's next?" and they say "Just die there's nothing else", you can smile with the satisfaction that you used your short time on this earth to make everyone think you did what you're supposed to. 

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Sorry that was me wiping off all the SARCASM THAT DRIPPED ONTO MY KEYBOARD.

Hey, you're single. Do what you want while you can. Live your life. You'll be fine. But save this blog for when you want to change that because it's going to turtley work. Turtley.