Terrible Ways To Get a Significant Other Before the Holidays (That Might Work)

Well, you're still single. Thanksgiving is over so you already endured Round 1 of the "When are you going to settle down?" Olympic, but Round 2, the Christmas Round, this is where heroes are born and the weak crumble. This is where your singleness is truly tested. Your Mom's refrigerator is STOCKED with Christmas cards, full of newlyweds, young families, all the things she wants you to be that you're sooooo far from being. Your Facebook feed will be cranking out 3 to 17 engagements a day all up in your face, just reminding you where the bar is and how far you are below it. So now you're in a panic. Christmas is only about 2 weeks away. Time to make moves. So, I give you...

TERRIBLE WAYS TO GET A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS 

(THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK)

1. Download ALL the dating apps

ALL. Not one. "Oh I already have Tinder." No. Shut up. Child's play. You need a designated folder on your phone full of Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel (yeah it's a thing), ALL OF THEM. "Should I even have to pay for eHarmony and Match.com?" I don't know, are you reading this for fun or because YOU WANT RESULTS. "FarmersOnly?" Farmers haven't seen another human that's not related to them since Ma and Pa sent them to the market to buy milk from Ol' Mr. Withers. Get yourself a flannel and get the heck on there. You're gonna look like a hard 10 when to the rest of us know you're like a 6, maybe a 7 tops when you make an effort.

2. Make sure you don't make anyone feel special

Ok maybe you're out there already and you have some potential applicants around you. How do you seal the deal? Make sure they think you don't like them, OBVIOUSLY. There was a time you could grow a beard, build a girl a house, write her a letter every day, and she'd be all like "Aw kisses." NOT TODAY. Now it's "Too much" or "creepy" or "You need a zoning permit." The game has changed. Tables are turned. You want a girl to want you? Make her think you don't want her! Take a picture with another girl and post it as your #WCW (woman crush wednesday) and watch the texts FLOOD in. You want that guy to text you? Save a photo from any guy's Facebook page and post him as your #MCM (man crush monday) and I bet he hits you up with a "Hey sorry been so busy and I have arthritis so I couldn't take 5 seconds to text back." You know, that bologna. (Please read that as buh-LOG-nuh.) People don't want love, they want a challenge because their life is boring, and that my friend, is where YOU come in.

3. Um... Become more attractive?

I'm going to level with you, you've got two weeks. Not easy. Options are limited. Read some articles on GQ, hit the gym, start being a happy person that loves life, whatever you can muster. "Dean this isn't helping me be more attractive." LISTEN if there was a sure-fire way to be more attractive I would have done it by now and dating someone great and probably at a winery talking about the future instead of writing this stupid INCREDIBLY HELPFUL blog. Just like, be hot. Get your babe on. Go do it. Just, go on. Dobby is free now. 

4. Don't make Harry Potter References. You're a 29 year old man. Have some respect for yourself and be an adult. 

See above.

Well, if that didn't help you, I don't know what will. Maybe you're destined for another holiday season where you have to tell your family about all the things you accomplished, trips you took, passions you pursued, you know, all that crap no one cares about because you're single and not married. No one wants you to be happy and successful! They want you to be THEIR KIND OF HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. So put these things into practice and do what society tells you and get married ASAP. Then when you're married and have kids and own a home and you ask them "What's next?" and they say "Just die there's nothing else", you can smile with the satisfaction that you used your short time on this earth to make everyone think you did what you're supposed to. 

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Sorry that was me wiping off all the SARCASM THAT DRIPPED ONTO MY KEYBOARD.

Hey, you're single. Do what you want while you can. Live your life. You'll be fine. But save this blog for when you want to change that because it's going to turtley work. Turtley.

CHRISTMAS BLOG! FLUFFY PUPPIES!

(Sing the following lines to the tune of "Jingle Bells") 

CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG AND STUFFFFFF, BLAH BLAH BLAH AND CHRISTMAS STUFF AND CHRISTMAS BLOG AND YEAH!!!

Not the best song I've ever written, but I think it truly captures the raw emotion behind my childish love for Christmas. If you didn't sing along with it, you can just stop reading now because clearly you're not fun. Or nice. Or a good person.

The Christmas season is my favorite time of year. If you know me at all, you know I think Jesus is awesome, and this is His birthday, so yeah, I'm down to get down for Jesus. Besides that though, the Christmas season seems to bring out the best in everyone. No idea why, but no matter what you believe, what holiday you celebrate, or what your opinion on Jesus is, people really step up their game for the month of December. 

"But isn't it sad that people are only being kinder out of obligation?"

NOPE. Don't care. I'm no respecter of persons, but nice people are awesome, and mean, selfish people pretty much suck. Not a fan. My vote for president may have been based on who smiled more. Or was it? Or wasn't it?! WHO KNOWS, READER! All I'm saying is, kindness breeds kindness, and there's a whole lot of kindness breeding going on this time of year. I imagine when kindness breeds with more kindness, the offspring looks something like this:

or this

So clearly: 

-December is when people are kind 

-Kindness breeds fluffy puppies

-God shaves the fluffy puppies and lets their fluff rain down from heaven

-And that, children, is where we get snow. 

Obviously the puppies are magical so once they're shaved they're immediately fluffy again, but I'm assuming you knew that.

I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I'm caught in some weird, happy puppy euphoria, but the point I'm trying to make is that kindness goes a long way. If everyone was more kind regardless of what they were getting in return, the world would be a lot less crappy than what we're currently living in. My challenge for you this Christmas season is to love people, regardless of whether they love you back or not. Heck, maybe even keep it up after Christmas is over? Maybe? No pressure, but you should. Regardless of your stance on the Bible, the message of "love your neighbor as yourself" is a pretty good one, so let's all give it a shot.

Now crank up your favorite Christmas album, put on your happy face, and get out there and love some people!

That sounded weird, but you know what I meant. Merry Christmas everyone! MORE FLUFFY PUPPIES!

AHH!

GIMME!

SO FLUFFY!

Ok I'm done...

one more...

CHRISTMAS FLUFFIES!

Reasons Why You Need a Significant Other for the Holidays

Ohhhhhhhh SHOOT it's Christmas time! Turkey Day is over and Christmas Season is on like Donkey Kong in a Santa suit.

"Thanks for the sweet visual, Dean."

You are welcome, citizen.

As an avid fan of all things cute, happy, and awesome, Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It's the happiest time of the year and *steps up onto religious soap box* we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and I do love me some Jesus! He's kind of the whole reason I'm on this earth so yeah, that's a sweet thing to celebrate. *steps off religious soap box*. I'm actually writing this while sipping on some Christmas Blend coffee from Starbucks. NOM NOM NOM. It tastes like happiness! So great. The only problem with Christmas and New Years is that it's basically made for couples. Send out a card with a picture of you and your love interest making snow angels and everyone thinks you're adorable. Send one of yourself making snow angels and you don't get invited to Christmas dinner because your family thinks you're mentally handicapped. DOUBLE STANDARD. Not cool. So let me give you a couple reasons why you need to grab somebody sexy and tell them "hey...be my Christmas lover." (Thank you Neyo for that life-changing lyric.)

1. Everyone Looks Better As a Couple
On a scale of 1-10, I put myself at a 5. I don't think girls swoon when I walk in a room, but I don't think they vomit all over the floor in disgust, either. At least I hope not. That would be sad. But anyway, as average as I may be, I am instantly a hard 9 on the hot scale with a stunning dime piece of a female on my arm! It's a fact of life. Ladies, you make me look good. REAL good. NOW LET'S BUY SANTA HATS AND DATE THE HECK OUT OF EACH OTHER. Santa wills it. He told me.



2. Your Family Won't Question Your Sexuality
We've already established I'm a fan of pastel colored V necks. Combine that with a few years of singleness and your family starts wondering when they're gonna meet your boyfriend. I'm not saying my family thinks I'm gay, but I will say my new love for the Justin Bieber Christmas song doesn't help my cause here.

SING IT BIEBS. Anyway, I like girls, not boys, and I'd love to remove any doubt from my Grandmother's mind.



3. It's a Good Excuse To Get More Gifts
If you buy yourself gifts for Christmas, you look like a selfish Scrooge. BUT if you buy a significant other a gift, they are obligated to return the favor and get YOU a gift of equal or greater value. It's a fact of life. So, you want an iPad? Buy your holiday lover a gift that costs as much as an iPad and with some strong hinting BOOM you've got one and you look like a caring human being. Awesome sauce.



4. You'll Probably Get a Seat at the Adult Table
We all hate being stuck at the kids table on the holidays. You're trying desperately to listen to what the adults are saying and get involved but your little cousin Timmy is screaming in your face about how much he loves Sponge Bob.

Gosh, Timmy sucks.If you bring a date to your holiday celebration, you're pretty much guaranteed a spot at the adult table. Your parents and Aunts and Uncles all want them to feel loved and accepted so you will be right there with them with the big people. Dopeness.






The Christmas season is a fun time as long as you can navigate some of the obstacles that come with being single, so grab someone decently attractive, throw some cash at them and make them yours on Christmas! Trust me, it's worth it. SO Thank you Josh Norman for the sweet blog idea, and here's some cute Christmas animal action!

GIVE ME GIFTS MONKEY MAN!