Parenting Advice from Someone Who Has No Kids

Kids horrify me. Seriously if a kid is misbehaving for more than 7 seconds around me it makes me want to punt a puppy, and we all know how much I love puppies, so that's saying a lot.

Just like that. 

But here's the story that inspired this blog. I decided to go see my school's hockey team play tonight. Hockey is always a fun time and we bludgeoned this random team from Oklahoma 3-1. Sweet, sweet victory. BUT while I'm watching the game, I get distracted. My friends picked up on this kid picking his nose and ears for basically the whole hockey game, going to town on his own face holes. Kinda like this:

Yeah, it was kinda gross and obviously a little distracting, but was he harming anyone? Nope, just picking away like a champ. He was sitting next to his Dad and what does his Dad do? NOTHING. He just lets his kid do his thing. Why not, right? No one has ever died from eating boogies so he just lets his kid go for it. Well done, Fun Dad.

THEN later on I see this:

Two kids, completely closed in by hockey nets, rocking out SO HARD to the Friend's theme song. Just loving life and throwing their own little party. I only videotaped for a little bit because, let's be real, videotaping little kids in public is rarely a good look. After the video ends, the father of these kids walks over and makes them stop! What the heck!? Parents, how often do your kids VOLUNTARILY lock themselves in a cage and have the time of their lives? Rarely. Very rarely. Captain Buzz Killer McFunsucker-ton clearly didn't appreciate the golden opportunity to enjoy some hockey without wiping his son's runny nose and listen to him yell in his face about what he drew in school today. What a shame. Luckily, the child responded to getting kicked out by running out of the nets, sliding on his knees and strumming his inflatable boom stick like a guitar, Marty McFly style. Love this kid. If some amazing woman every tricks me into procreating with her, I hope my kid is just like him. Heck, I'll build him his own cage in our house with 12" woofers and a disco ball if he wants it!

In short, I feel like parents should let their kids live a little. Go ahead, pick your boogers, dance in your little hockey net fort. Just don't hurt yourself or, more importantly, the child of rich parents. They'll sue, and let's be honest, I don't have the time or money to win a court case about my kid making your kid eat a Wiffle bat. I lose that case 10 out of 10 times.

                                         I WHIP MY EARS BACK AND FORTH! 

Heck yeah puppy. Get some. You two tell all the parents you're not sorry for party rocking. Not even a little.

What Your Halloween Costume Says About You

Happy Halloween to you too little ghosty man! I love Halloween! It's the one holiday where I'm allowed to dress like an idiot and act like an idiot. Granted I do that all year round but on Halloween everyone's ok with it. SCORE. Halloween has been an awesome time for me every year, but I can't help but realize that what you choose as your Halloween costume says ALOT about who you are. Now let's hop on to Ms. Frizzle's Magic School Bus and learn something!

Really? You trust your kid to go on field trips with a crazy lady who's best friend is a lizard? Really?

A Spartan Warrior

Thanks, whoever made this movie, for giving meat heads another reason to take their shirts off. This costume is saying "Yes! Now I don't have to wait til summer to show girls how jacked I am!" Cool story bro.

Childhood Character

I might be a little biased because this was my costume last year, but these kinds of costumes are the most fun. You go out for the night thinking "I'm going to be as fun and crazy as I want because I'm already dressed like an idiot." Some of you who saw me out last year might be thinking "Yeah, but Dean you looked like an ADORABLE idiot!"...ok you're probably not thinking that but maybe someone, somewhere is thinking that? Maybe? I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME!!!!!! *tears* *sniffles* Ok sorry about that. Moving on! This is even more awesome when girls choose this route. Have you ever seen a cute (not slutty) Ninja Turtle? I have, and it's the greatest thing EVER.

Slutty Version of an Every Day Trade or Occupation

Listen, ladies, there is a fine line between "cute and hot" and "I'm an amateur hooker with no morals and values who is really desperate for attention". Yes, every guy is expecting you to look good, and we'd all be kind of disappointed if cute girls put sheets over their heads and went out as Casper, but let's at least pretend you have some kind of morals, even if you don't. 

The "Not" Costume

YOU ARE LAME AND NOT FUN AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. At least wear a mask or something! It's the one night where you can do what you want. STOP BEING A LAME FUN SUCKER. 

Pirates or Ninjas

Pirates and ninjas are more popluar than ever, and what better time than Halloween to pick your side?! Pirates say "ARGH" and shoot cannons and steal booty. Ninjas creep up on people and kill them with swords, NUMCHUCKS (or nunchucks if you like pronouncing words correctly), and throwing stars. It's a tough choice, but they're both awesome.

Zombies

If you don't love zombies, or maybe just love the idea of them, I don't know what's wrong with you. They're alive! But dead! But alive! BUT DEAD BUT ALIVE BUT DEAD AND THEY'RE DEAD BUT THEY'RE LIVING AND THEY'RE DEAD AND THEY EAT HUMAN FLESH! (om nom nom) Andddddddddddd they're awesome. The zombie costume takes little effort but always gets positive results. Definitely a winner in my book. ALIVE DEAD ALIVE NOM NOM!

Thank you Jess Gomes for the blog topic suggestion and to everyone going out, have a blast! Happy Halloween everyone! And to all the kids who's parents are making them go to the hospital to scan their candy for needles and rufilin before they eat it, your life sucks and I feel terrible for you. That is the WORST. Alright, CUTE HALLOWEEN ANIMAL!

AHOY I'm precious.