Parenting Advice from Someone Who Has No Kids

Kids horrify me. Seriously if a kid is misbehaving for more than 7 seconds around me it makes me want to punt a puppy, and we all know how much I love puppies, so that's saying a lot.

Just like that. 

But here's the story that inspired this blog. I decided to go see my school's hockey team play tonight. Hockey is always a fun time and we bludgeoned this random team from Oklahoma 3-1. Sweet, sweet victory. BUT while I'm watching the game, I get distracted. My friends picked up on this kid picking his nose and ears for basically the whole hockey game, going to town on his own face holes. Kinda like this:

Yeah, it was kinda gross and obviously a little distracting, but was he harming anyone? Nope, just picking away like a champ. He was sitting next to his Dad and what does his Dad do? NOTHING. He just lets his kid do his thing. Why not, right? No one has ever died from eating boogies so he just lets his kid go for it. Well done, Fun Dad.

THEN later on I see this:

Two kids, completely closed in by hockey nets, rocking out SO HARD to the Friend's theme song. Just loving life and throwing their own little party. I only videotaped for a little bit because, let's be real, videotaping little kids in public is rarely a good look. After the video ends, the father of these kids walks over and makes them stop! What the heck!? Parents, how often do your kids VOLUNTARILY lock themselves in a cage and have the time of their lives? Rarely. Very rarely. Captain Buzz Killer McFunsucker-ton clearly didn't appreciate the golden opportunity to enjoy some hockey without wiping his son's runny nose and listen to him yell in his face about what he drew in school today. What a shame. Luckily, the child responded to getting kicked out by running out of the nets, sliding on his knees and strumming his inflatable boom stick like a guitar, Marty McFly style. Love this kid. If some amazing woman every tricks me into procreating with her, I hope my kid is just like him. Heck, I'll build him his own cage in our house with 12" woofers and a disco ball if he wants it!

In short, I feel like parents should let their kids live a little. Go ahead, pick your boogers, dance in your little hockey net fort. Just don't hurt yourself or, more importantly, the child of rich parents. They'll sue, and let's be honest, I don't have the time or money to win a court case about my kid making your kid eat a Wiffle bat. I lose that case 10 out of 10 times.

                                         I WHIP MY EARS BACK AND FORTH! 

Heck yeah puppy. Get some. You two tell all the parents you're not sorry for party rocking. Not even a little.

Girls and Sports

For centuries, men have been trying to balance out their love of sports and their love of the opposite sex. We love sports, we love our teams, but we love THE LADIES as well. Yes, the girl pictured above has earned some extra hot points for rocking the Red Sox shirt at a game, but some girls think they have us all figured out and that the way to our heart is talking sports. While there may be SOME truth to that, there's a few rules and guidelines you women folk should be following. Here they are:

1. Don't Insult My Team
As a Red Sox/Celtics/Patriots/Bruins fan living in Connecticut, I'm constantly caught in the Boston/New York rivalry. You can't escape it. Yes, I have met plenty of attractive Yankees fans and believe it or not, it's not a "deal breaker". But it can be if you push it! After the Red Sox failed to make the playoffs this year, a "friend" of mine who likes the Yankees thought it would be funny to tease me on Facebook messenger. (Side note: I hate Facebook messenger no matter what we're talking about.) I took the first jab in stride, but after the second one, I deleted her. For real. And no, I haven't added her back, nor do I plan to. I can take a little harassment, but don't push it!

2. Don't Argue Sports If You Don't Know What You're Talking About
A fellow man once gave me the Five Player Test: When a female says "I like the *sports team*!", you, as a man, have the right to ask her to name five players on that team. If she can't, she is not allowed to talk about sports. Ever.

3. Don't Be a Dude
I'm pretty emotionally invested in my teams of choice. When the Red Sox lost to the Orioles to lose the A.L. Wild Card, I was in an emotional slump for the rest of the night. But I'm a guy. That's what we do. I like girls who act like girls:

-Be feminine.
-Make us late for our date because you can't pick what shoes you want to wear.
-Cry over a dumb chick flick.
-Spend way too much money on fashion accessories.

I don't need another guy in my life. I have guys. They're called "the guys". Yes, I'd love for you to watch the game with me and let me pick you up and spin you around when we win or rub my back while I sulk after a loss, but if you're screaming at the TV louder than I am, yeah. That's not gonna work. If your favorite part of going to Fenway with me is having an excuse to buy a Red Sox shirt and wear eye black, I'm more than ok with that. BE A GIRL. Don't be a dude.

Yes, a girl who likes sports is cool, but it's not going to make us love you any more if you know more about our favorite team than we do. That's like dating a girl who's taller than me, which I'm also not ok with.

Sports are cool. Girls are cool. Don't be a dude.

Sorry girl, all the Red Sox apparel and cute animals in the world won't make me fall for a middle-aged woman with braces.

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Boo, the World's Cutest Dog aka Why You're Single part II

Have you seen this freakin' dog?!?!?! His name is Boo, and he has over 3 million views on YouTube by staring at a camera and being adorable. Ok, adorable doesn't quite cut it. He's probably the most precious thing on the face of this planet. As soon as I watched this video I just started throwing all my cash, credit cards, and material belongings at the screen, trying to give them to him. I will not be happy until Boo is mine!! So why is this blog also labeled "Why You're Single part II"? Let me explain. You are single because:

1) You Aren't Boo

If you were Boo, everyone would want you all the time regardless of gender, race, or sexual preference. Why? Boo is awesome.

2) You Don't Own Boo

If Boo was your dog, you COULD sit inside all day and have a line of men/women outside your door waiting to see you, despite what I said in the original "Why You're Single" blog. Why? BECAUSE BOO IS AWESOME!

3) You Don't Know Boo

Even if you just knew Boo, you'd be cooler than 99% of the population. Heck, if you pet him once or just see him from a distance you're still 10x more awesome than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Why?!?!?! BECAUSE BOO IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I want Boo. I NEED Boo. Now. Please. Get me Boo!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH BOO AS A PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The Single Man's Guide To Not Being a Creeper

This picture might be the funniest/scariest thing I've ever seen. But let's be real: no one likes a creeper. I don't claim to be an expert on THE LADIES but I do have a lot of girl friends (not to be confused with "girlfriends", of which I have none...in case you were wondering...ladies...) and a sister who LOVE sharing stories about the creepy guys they deal with. Don't want to be a subject of one of these conversations? Follow these tips.

1. Don't "like" all of her profile pictures.
It's weird. It's like saying "Hey I have no desire to have a conversation with you, but I'm lusting after your body from a distance." Not cute. Stop it.


2. Don't tell a girl she's "the one" unless she is.
If you're married, engaged, or almost engaged after a substantial adult relationship, go for it. It's cute, romantic, and if it's true I totally support it. If you've been dating a month, on your first date, never been on a date, or talking to a girl on Facebook chat that you randomly added because she's hot and you have 2 mutual friends, DON'T SAY IT. Her heart won't melt. It's creepy. You deserve every ounce of mace sprayed in your face, ya nutcase. (Totally freestyled there.)

3. One long, heartfelt text/message/voicemail  without a response is enough.
If you decide to spill your guts to your "dream girl" or try to ask her out via any of these forms of communication and she doesn't respond, STOP. Stop convincing yourself she's too busy to respond. Stop telling yourself she must not have gotten it. Stop pretending she didn't have her phone on her. She did. She got it broseph, and she's not interested. Move on.

4. Don't send random pics of yourself to a girl. 
Shirtless mirror pic or you flexing, she's not impressed. You're a tool. This is saying "I have no personality and nothing interesting to say but I'm a dumb guy and I think if you like my body you'll want to be with me." Guys, girls aren't as shallow as we are, and if a girl is, she's not girlfriend material.

5. Stop Bragging.
Stop bragging. Stop bragging. Stop bragging. STOP BRAGGING. No girl is sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to ride up to her house on his noble steed to tell her how much his car cost or how much he bench presses. You're an idiot. No one cares.

6. If she says she doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how flirty she is after. She meant it.
If you confess your love to a girl who shoots you down, and she flirts with you, kisses you, or whatever, it doesn't change anything. Females Males Human beings like attention. You can't blame them. If she cuddles with you during a scary movie after telling you she doesn't like you, SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If a girl changes her mind and feels like she made a mistake not giving you a chance, she'll tell you, I promise. (Sadly, this will probably happen after you've moved on and found someone else, but hey, we all want what we can't have.)



I could go on and on, but i feel like these are the most common "crimes" guys are guilty of. Just be yourself. Be funny, be nice, be genuinely caring and if she's interested, you'll know. There's a big difference between "being a man and taking initiative" and "trying to fit a square block in the round hole". This is the best advice I have to offer my fellow males, but if it doesn't work...just show them this.

She still won't like you but HOLY CRAP that's funny!

Don't Tell Me My Favorite Teams Suck

Above is the magically wonderful, the one and only, FENWAY PARK, home of the Boston Red Sox, AND I'M GOING THERE TONIGHT! WOOHOO! Can't wait. The Red Sox are my favorite sports team, hands down, followed closely by the New England Patriots, the Boston Celtics, and the Boston Bruins. Why Boston? I'm from Connecticut. We have no pro sports teams for ourselves so we share Boston with the rest of New England: Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. (There's some quick geography for ya). Although I was only a causal supporter of sports up until my senior year of high school, my passion for my teams has grown more and more to the point where if you insult my teams, I'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU.

There are some people who LOVE having long, in-depth conversations about why YOUR team is a "bad" sports team. I don't get it. Do you really think after a simple conversation I'm gonna say "Yeah, you're right. My team's awful and yours is great. I'm clearly an idiot."? No. It's stupid. Love the teams you love and let other people love their teams too...except for the Yankees (because they're evil), the Cowboys (because they're evil), the Heat or the Lakers (evil evil evil), or the Padres (They just suck. Trust me, I've seen it. They are not good at baseball. They should give up and spend all 9 innings playing Cornhole in the parking lot with the fans.) KIDDING. I'm trying to prove a point that if you're a sports fan, you're gonna love the teams you love and hate the teams you hate no matter what, so arguing is pointless. I recently had jury duty and had an awesome conversation with a Yankees fan about how both of our teams were doing this year. No "Yankees suck" or "Red Sox suck" talk at all, just facts and stats about the season. It was a great, intelligent conversation with a fellow sports fan. You guys should try it some time.

In conclusion, let me summarize this post with a few key points:


1. My Team is awesome
2. Your Team is not awesome
3. My Team will beat your team every time we play each other
4. Your Team will never beat my team, even when they actually beat my team
5.  My team is awesome even when we suck, and your team sucks even when they're playing great.


"Dean, these points make no sense."- Casual reader of this Blog. They don't have to!!! This is what makes sports so great. You love your team through thick and thin with more bias than a girl telling you how hot their best friend is. That's the way it should be. Now go in peace, my brethren, and love your teams with all thine heart, and speak not against the teams of thine fellow man. AMEN AND AMEN.

Thanks again for listening and... GO SOX!!

PUPPYYYYYY!!!!