The Men's Guide to Chapstick

I, like most people, have a very strict routine for preparing myself for the day before I leave the house. Wallet goes in the back right pocket (don't rob me), guitar picks and spare change in my front right (again,don't rob me, but if you do, pick this pocket instead), keys go on a carabiner hanging off my right-most belt loop (scene points) and last but not least the iPhone and Chapstick go in the left pocket. IF YOU COME NEAR THAT POCKET I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR FACE!! TO DEATH!! AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!! 

Look at my list of valued possessions and you'll understand why:

1. iPhone

2. Chapstick

3. Back-up Chapstick

4. Family and Friends

5. Back-up back-up Chapstick.

Yes, ChapStick is pretty important to me. If you've read my blog on Bad Kissers, I demonstrated that my lips are mildly gigantic. It's borderline disgusting. So, Chapstick is a pretty essential part of maintaining those suckers. 

"Dean, Chapstick is for girls!"

WRONG, READER! ChapStick is for dudes! Flaky lips are gross, regardless of gender, and I don't want them. That being said, my fellow bro-man-dudes and I can't just jump up in public and scream "I'M GOING TO MOISTEN MY LIPS NOW!" and not expect people to question our sexuality. SO here's some guidelines for my fellow man:

1, Be Sneaky

Don't just put it on mid-conversation with another dude. Wait until you go in the bathroom or walk behind a wall or something. Nothing says "I'm getting ready to suck your face" like putting on ChapStick while someone's talking to you. **LADIES: If you're talking to me and I put on ChapStick I promise I'm not going to kiss rape you. Don't be scared. Scurred. Don't be scurrreeeedddd. But seriously I'm addicted and I put it on without even thinking about it.**

2, Don't Do the "Post-application Pucker"

You know that kiss-looking thing girls do after they put on lipstick? Yeah, don't do that. Ever. I'll smack ya. With an animal. Maybe a duck. 

3. NO FLAVORS

Yes.

Great choice!

Why not?

                                         

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YA FAIRY!

Yeah, you get the point.

Men, embrace the ChapStick, let's just keep it as manly as possible. Keeping your lips smooth doesn't mean you have to start taking ballet lessons and writing haikus about how no one understands you. Let's take back Chap Stick, FOR MEN! And once that's done, let's all look at this adorable puppy.

I don't even understand why he's cute but dang, look at his freakin' cute puppy face!

Bad Kissers

WOOHOOOOOO I LOVE KISSING. It's the best. You've had a nice evening with a beautiful girl, you're standing on the porch saying goodnight, you lean in and BAM. Fireworks. It feels like her lips are the Ying to your Yang, like they were one whole piece separated and now brought together by your love. AWWWWWW. Kissing is fun. But how about this scenario: you lean in for that kiss and you feel like your mouth just entered World War III and you're fighting for dear life just to get home and tell your Momma you love her.Yeah, THAT sucks. Bad kissers still exist no matter how old you get. It's awful. I'm not claiming to be a pro, but I know I don't suck at it. I have gigantic lips that can probably lift more weight than I could bench pressing and we've learned to work well together. (TMI? Probably. Don't be mad.)

That was mainly an excuse to show you this ridiculous picture of me and my buddy Brian, but seriously, they're gigantic. It makes no sense. They account for about 72% of my body weight. #fact. BUT ANYWAY let's talk about different kinds of bad kissers and what they need to fix.

TONGUE SAMURAIS
You know the theory that if you can unwrap a Starburst with your tongue, you're a good kisser? WRONG. Have you seen someone do that? Can you imagine that happening to your mouth?! Pretty sure you'd be immediately hospitalized and need a solid 4-6 months of physical therapy after. Kissing is done with your lips. If you wanna throw in some tongue, go for it, but lets keep it classy and stick to 85% to 90% lips. We're not slaying dragons here kids.

BITERS
OUCH. Stop it. Playful nibble, ok, but my lips are not a 16oz sirloin so don't tear into them like they are. Any more pressure than what you'd use to hold a pen between your teeth while you do Algebra homework is too much. I shouldn't wake up with a fat lip like I just made my first appearance in the UFC octagon.

FACE SMASHERS
"Oh I'm sorry I thought we were kissing. I didn't realize my face just entered the 47kg weight division for Olympic Wrestling." Not sure why girls feel the need to press their face into mine to the point of having to regain my balance, but it happens, and it's scary. I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS BECAUSE WE LIKED EACH OTHER?!? :'(

OPEN MOUTHERS
Holy. Crap. Close. Your. Mouth. If you're opening your mouth any more than you would when talking at a normal volume, it's too much.

Nobody wants to kiss this! Please close your mouth. We're trying to express our love with our lips. We're not playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. But we can play that after since that game is SO fun. I CALL THE ORANGE HIPPO!!!!

Bad kissers are no bueno. Not fun and it can honestly be a deal breaker. No one wants to date a gross kisser! So if you fall into any of these categories, please fix your technique so you don't get stuck owning 30 cats and dying alone. (Yes, I'm exaggerating.)