The Men's Guide to Chapstick

I, like most people, have a very strict routine for preparing myself for the day before I leave the house. Wallet goes in the back right pocket (don't rob me), guitar picks and spare change in my front right (again,don't rob me, but if you do, pick this pocket instead), keys go on a carabiner hanging off my right-most belt loop (scene points) and last but not least the iPhone and Chapstick go in the left pocket. IF YOU COME NEAR THAT POCKET I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR FACE!! TO DEATH!! AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!! 

Look at my list of valued possessions and you'll understand why:

1. iPhone

2. Chapstick

3. Back-up Chapstick

4. Family and Friends

5. Back-up back-up Chapstick.

Yes, ChapStick is pretty important to me. If you've read my blog on Bad Kissers, I demonstrated that my lips are mildly gigantic. It's borderline disgusting. So, Chapstick is a pretty essential part of maintaining those suckers. 

"Dean, Chapstick is for girls!"

WRONG, READER! ChapStick is for dudes! Flaky lips are gross, regardless of gender, and I don't want them. That being said, my fellow bro-man-dudes and I can't just jump up in public and scream "I'M GOING TO MOISTEN MY LIPS NOW!" and not expect people to question our sexuality. SO here's some guidelines for my fellow man:

1, Be Sneaky

Don't just put it on mid-conversation with another dude. Wait until you go in the bathroom or walk behind a wall or something. Nothing says "I'm getting ready to suck your face" like putting on ChapStick while someone's talking to you. **LADIES: If you're talking to me and I put on ChapStick I promise I'm not going to kiss rape you. Don't be scared. Scurred. Don't be scurrreeeedddd. But seriously I'm addicted and I put it on without even thinking about it.**

2, Don't Do the "Post-application Pucker"

You know that kiss-looking thing girls do after they put on lipstick? Yeah, don't do that. Ever. I'll smack ya. With an animal. Maybe a duck. 

3. NO FLAVORS

Yes.

Great choice!

Why not?

                                         

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YA FAIRY!

Yeah, you get the point.

Men, embrace the ChapStick, let's just keep it as manly as possible. Keeping your lips smooth doesn't mean you have to start taking ballet lessons and writing haikus about how no one understands you. Let's take back Chap Stick, FOR MEN! And once that's done, let's all look at this adorable puppy.

I don't even understand why he's cute but dang, look at his freakin' cute puppy face!