Parenting Advice from Someone Who Has No Kids

Kids horrify me. Seriously if a kid is misbehaving for more than 7 seconds around me it makes me want to punt a puppy, and we all know how much I love puppies, so that's saying a lot.

Just like that. 

But here's the story that inspired this blog. I decided to go see my school's hockey team play tonight. Hockey is always a fun time and we bludgeoned this random team from Oklahoma 3-1. Sweet, sweet victory. BUT while I'm watching the game, I get distracted. My friends picked up on this kid picking his nose and ears for basically the whole hockey game, going to town on his own face holes. Kinda like this:

Yeah, it was kinda gross and obviously a little distracting, but was he harming anyone? Nope, just picking away like a champ. He was sitting next to his Dad and what does his Dad do? NOTHING. He just lets his kid do his thing. Why not, right? No one has ever died from eating boogies so he just lets his kid go for it. Well done, Fun Dad.

THEN later on I see this:

Two kids, completely closed in by hockey nets, rocking out SO HARD to the Friend's theme song. Just loving life and throwing their own little party. I only videotaped for a little bit because, let's be real, videotaping little kids in public is rarely a good look. After the video ends, the father of these kids walks over and makes them stop! What the heck!? Parents, how often do your kids VOLUNTARILY lock themselves in a cage and have the time of their lives? Rarely. Very rarely. Captain Buzz Killer McFunsucker-ton clearly didn't appreciate the golden opportunity to enjoy some hockey without wiping his son's runny nose and listen to him yell in his face about what he drew in school today. What a shame. Luckily, the child responded to getting kicked out by running out of the nets, sliding on his knees and strumming his inflatable boom stick like a guitar, Marty McFly style. Love this kid. If some amazing woman every tricks me into procreating with her, I hope my kid is just like him. Heck, I'll build him his own cage in our house with 12" woofers and a disco ball if he wants it!

In short, I feel like parents should let their kids live a little. Go ahead, pick your boogers, dance in your little hockey net fort. Just don't hurt yourself or, more importantly, the child of rich parents. They'll sue, and let's be honest, I don't have the time or money to win a court case about my kid making your kid eat a Wiffle bat. I lose that case 10 out of 10 times.

                                         I WHIP MY EARS BACK AND FORTH! 

Heck yeah puppy. Get some. You two tell all the parents you're not sorry for party rocking. Not even a little.