Picture Quotes That Need To Stop

I've found that my little niche with this blog is relationships (well, singleness) and social media. Not sure how I feel about that, but let's be real, what else is there to talk about? Oh you're married? Keep up the good work. You don't have Facebook? Great! You don't need it. It's stupid (he said, preparing to share this blog all over social media.)

So, single people are really good at using social media to let the world know all about their singleness. It goes together like this blog and cute animals. You can't go a day without a single person posting a saying or sharing a picture quote about relationships (because clearly they're the experts) and if we're honest, most of it is SUPER ANNOYING. So I've compiled a list of the ones that make me want to pull my hair out. Or your hair out. I'm not posting them. Lose YOUR hair. Psh.

Ohhhhh my gosh shut up. Seriously? I'm over here trying to find out how many days after shaving I can have the perfect stubble length for a first date so some girl can eventually find me tolerable enough for Date 2, meanwhile you're over there hoping I can redeem AN ENTIRE GENDER and makeup for every jerk you've ever dated, guys who you probably knew you shouldn't date anyway. But no, it's my fault and I've got to be the savior of all bachelors. Yeah, seems fair. SEEMS SO FAIR.

Um, how about NO Johnny? First of all, you're most famous for being a drunk pirate. Have you ever even been in a rom com? Who made you the Love Guru? Second, this is dumb. You're with someone for years. You're brushing your teeth and they're on the toilet next to you because that's just where life has brought you two. Then some dude shows up and looks nice and says some funny things, you go hang out with your long term BF and he's in sweatpants, and you think you're "in love" with new guy. No. Wrong. You've been with someone for years, meanwhile there's a sea of single people that can't even make it to a third date. Love is the real, dirty, walls-down "this is me at my worst and you love me anyway" kind of love. Not "Oh he's new and cool GIMME." Take THAT Jack Sparrow, ya dunce.

This isn't specifically about relationships, but I bet it's why you're single! This, or anything else involving "haters." Like, who do you think you are that people just sit around watching you and hating on you? What are you doing that's so hate-worthy? "Ugh the way she drinks Starbucks and goes to work and spends time with friends and family I HATE HER SO MUCH!!" Doubt it. Maybe people hate you because you post quotes like this and think you're better than everybody? You think? Maybe?!?

Turns out I already dedicated an entire blog last year to this one. Check it out here. But seriously guys aren't reading these and learning. We know you want us to treat you like a princess, we just don't think you are one so we don't. Not that we can't, we just don't, until we find someone we want to. So be nice. 

LAMEEEEEEEE. What is this, eBay?!? Trying to auction yourself off to the highest bidder? "Oh wow I didn't know they'd be so cute. Guess I want to date them after all!" Oh my goodness stop looking so desperate. If someone says something like this to you in real life and they didn't memorize it off a picture, that's cute. Kiss them. Right on the lippys. But if you're just posting this to try to make everyyyyy person think you're a catch, you're super lame. Also, there should be a PERIOD after "smile" and "know" should start a new sentence. So lame. The lamest, really. You're also probably the person that was complaining about your ex yesterday. Where's that quote, huh? Don't worry I made it for you.

Yeah, share that one so I know it's real. Maybe get off your computer and go be nice to someone if you're such a catch, you little love troll!

Ok I'm done. I hope I only offended the people that already know they need to get their crap together. Love you mean it! Don't be mad. 

Why Your "Real Man" Quotes are Kind of Dumb

I'm back! Back in action. KAPOW. Like an old cartoon you enjoyed as a kid, remade into a big-budget Michael Bay film, sans explosions, or for our Spanish readers, "sans explosions," because I don't speak Spanish. Let's kick it.

We all know some basic girl who is constantly drowning your newsfeed with pictures of a good looking dude holding a good looking girl with a quote giving you advice on how to be a "real man," advice you totally didn't ask for. Why is she doing this? Because her ex was a scumbag, she's not over him, and she's being passive aggressive. So there's that. Then 1,000 other basic white girls put down their PSLs and lace up their Ugg boots...or...puff their puff balls on their Ugg boots...whatever weird accessory they have, idk. ANYWAY. They all just share and like each other's pictures and are all "omg this is so true. I wish SOMEBODY would read this" or "<3 this" (which I choose to read as "Less than three this" because math jokes are funny.

 

So yeah, that's annoying. You know who's NOT diving into the bowels of the Internet to find your Pinterest board because he wants a picture of lilacs to tell him how to be a better guy? YOUR SCUMBAG EX BOYFRIEND. Obviously. So you all get a zero in Marketing 101 for being awful at appealing to your target demographic. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Goose Egg, or literally this goose's egg.

Goose's? Gooses? Geesen? Whatever. I'll take it from him and give it to you.

In short, your quotes are dumb and they don't work. Want a guy to be a real man? Maybe don't just sit there being his awesome girlfriend that bends over backwards for him while he treats you like hot garbage. Maybe say "Hey you're not nice. This is over k thx bye." Maybe that will be more effective. Maybe. Just maybe. 

Love you all. It's good to be back. Pumpkin Guinea Pig.

Why You Don't Have A Valentine

Wondering why "everyone" has a special someone today and you don't? I'd love to tell you! Buckle up your seat belts, kids. 

1. You're Probably Trying Too Hard

If you're constantly LOOKING for someone to date, then you're probably never going to FIND someone to date. Yeah. For real. If you meet people and are just trying to see if they could be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're not actually seeing them for who they are as a person. You're just seeing them for what they can bring to your life, and that is super obvious and super annoying. Knock it off!

2. You're Probably Really Annoying

I have two, semi-subconscious lists in my head: "Girl's I'll Never Date" and "Girls I Haven't Decided I Wouldn't Date". If you're super annoying, especially about relationships and how "boys suck" and how you're "so lonely", you probably hold a strong spot on that first list. That crap is annoying. If you think retweeting Drake is going to make your ex change his/her mind and date you again, you are wrong, and kinda stupid. A Poem:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Holy crap you're annoying

I'm hiding you on Facebook

"Whatever! Who says I want to date you anyway??" -Random female reader that this part totally applies to.

3. You Have Standards

Maybe you actually like your life. Maybe you realize you're worth something, even if you're not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you have a life you love and passions you pursue. Maybe you realize God loves you and has an awesome plan for your life and can use you in HUGE ways, even if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you're willing to date someone when it's right, but realize you have a good life, single or taken, and are going to wait until you meet the person who challenges you and brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. 

If that's you, you win.

If you're looking for a relationship for what you get, you lose. 

That's why no one getting married says that they're getting someone's life. No, they're giving theirs. That's what it's about. True Love is being willing to give up your own happiness for the other person, and until you're happy as a single person, you won't be able to do that. So...fix yo' self. 

                                                        VALENTINE HAMSTER!

Don't you kinda want to kiss his face a little? No? Yeah me neither. SMOOCH.