5 Reasons Why I'm Cooler Than Brad Pitt

"I'm Brad Pitt. Ladies love me because I'm awesome"






He probably says that like 1,549 times a day. AT LEAST. Angelina probably gets sick of it and tries to go all Tomb Raider on him but then he probably goes all Troy on her and it turns into a scene out of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and all their adopted foreign babies are running around screaming and crying for their lives. What a sad life they must live. Sad, sad, sad.

As awesome as people might think Brad Pitt is, I'm here to attempt to prove that I'm cooler. Dare I say, MUCH cooler? Yes, I dare. #boom

1. He has the Benjamin Button Disease

To quote my good friend Brian Mezick, "That ish is gross". I do NOT have the Benjamin Button disease. I age normally outside of the fact that I'm almost 25 and I look like I'm 19.
Dean: 1 Brad: 0






2.  The coolest Brad Pitt was imaginary

Yeah, girls wanted Tyler Durden and guys wanted to be him, but (*SPOILER ALERT*) he's just Edward Norton's bipolar alter ego! Tyler Durden didn't exist. I exist, and I'm not Edward Norton's imaginary self.
Dean: 2 Brad:0






3. He's a bad guy!

"Heart breakerrrrrr"-Simple Plan. Yeah he broke Jeniffer Aniston's poor little heart! Bad guy! I am a good guy, and I promise ON MY LIFE that if I end up dating Jeniffer Aniston, I will not break her heart.
To all of you saying "She would never date you and if she did she would leave you way before you would leave her"...your logic and your rational minds don't belong here!
Dean: 3 Brad: SUCKS


4. He had a nasty beard

I've just recently been able to grow some decently thick man scruff, but I'm physically incapable of growing a legit beard like this. This is gross and he should feel bad for forcing this on whoever he was dating at the time. I promise I will never have a beard like this. It's not possible even if I wanted to...LADIES.
Dean: 4 Brad: GOOSE EGG


5. LOOK AT HIS DUMB FACE

A wise man by the name of Ralph Purificato Jr., my brother, once said "LOOK AT YOUR DUMB FACE". Actually more than once. He says it alot. It's funny, then it's annoying, then it's even funnier, and so on. But seriously, LOOK AT HIS DUMB FACE. Dean: 5 Brad:NADA












I'm awesome. Brad Pitt is awesome, but significantly less awesome. I win, he loses, and no I'm not interested in hearing how none of this is based on fact because it's my blog and to quote my good friend Tom Oppelt: "I do what I want." The end. LOOK AT THIS MONKEY.