Facebook Translator: What your pokes, likes, and comments really mean

Thanks to Mr. Zukerberg and with some help from Justin Timberlake (don't question me), Facebook has changed the way we socialize with our friends, acquaintances, and enemies we pretend are our friends. Nice. We can write messages, use Facebook Chat, post publicly on someone's "wall", "like" any comment or picture or video we see, and even "poke" someone. This might be confusing to some people at first, but I'm here to translate what these really mean and why the person communicating with you chose the Facebook avenue they did. Let's do this. LEERRROOOYYY JEEENNNKKKINS.

The Facebook Message

This is like an email. A person uses this when they don't want the whole Facebook universe seeing what they're telling you. It could be because of a sensitive subject like the loss of a loved one, genuinely trying to get to know an acquaintance better, or maybe an apology trying to mend a friendship. But usually these messages are received by attractive girls from creepy guys saying "Hey you're really hot. Can I have your number? We should hang out. I love you. Let's date. I do P90x."

Facebook Chat

Facebook chat is the ability to instant message anyone you are friends with on Facebook. I hate it. Let's be real, most Facebook friendships mean "I met you once and it wasn't the worst experience of my life." Just because you qualify for that DOES NOT mean I want you to have instant access to live conversation with me. When the message noise goes off my natural instinct is to scream and punch myself in the face, but I usually control myself and just hope it's someone I have a legitimate friendship with...or a cute girl I'd like to get to know better. (Just being real here.)

 

"Hey Dean how are you?" 

"OMG LAWLZ Hiiiiiii Mandy :) :) :)"

"Hey man!"

 **Go Offline**

Wall Posts

The Wall Post is used to just drop in and say hi to a good friend. It's also very useful for girls to blow up your news feed to make sure everyone knows how much fun they had last night/weekend. Usually it goes like this: 

"OMG AND THEN THIS HAPPENED AND THIS HAPPENED AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WERE TALKING ABOUT HAHAHAHAHA LOL LUFF YOU BEST FWEND"

Gotta love it.

Likes

"Liking" something can mean a lot of things:

• If someone "likes" your picture, they think you look good in it, unless it's a girl "liking" another girls picture. This could mean anything from "I like your shoes" to "I hate you and I hope you die." Tough to tell.
• If someone of the opposite gender "likes" every profile picture you have, they probably know your Social Security number and watch you sleep at night. You should delete them. Right now. 
• If someone "likes" your last comment after the two of you have been commenting back and forth to each other, it's a very polite way of saying "I read what you just wrote and I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, but this conversation is over." Very handy tool. 
• If someone "likes" a comment you left on someone else's wall, it either means "I agree with what they said" or "Why won't you guys hang out with me :("

Pokes

Apparently the "poke" was made so people who do not know each other on Facebook can get to know each other. If you "poke" a stranger on Facebook, you also allow them to see your profile. Hopefully this leads to them finding you interesting/attractive, "poking" you back or adding you as a friend, and then any combination of the previously mentioned interactions that leads to you both falling in love, getting married, "poking" and having beautiful babies together (HA #inappropriate). But seriously, I don't get the poke. Just send a message. As my mother used to tell my 3 year old self, "Use your big boy words." It has to be more effective than poking.

Well kids, there you have it. Now you know what message these Facebook interactions are really sending. Keep this in mind the next time you're browsing the good ol' Facebook. But before I go....CUTE ANIMAL PICTURE!!!! Thank you to my Mom for sending this to me, specifically for my blog. Nice.

OTTER!!!!! I want one.