Social Media Isn't For Venting

Let me show you a hypothetical conversation that never happens:

"Hey you have a Twitter? You should follow me! I complain all day about how hard it is being a middle class American and how much I hate the opposite sex!"

"Awesome! I've been looking for a way to read negative crap all day! I'll follow you right now!"

"Sometimes I rant about how much I hate my friends and family! If you're lucky, I'll give out awkward personal information about them that changes your opinion of them forever!"

"YES I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THESE TWEETS!"

Yeah, that doesn't happen. We all have bad days. Yes, some people suck. Yes, we all need a release from the stress of life, but we all have too much crap in our own lives to deal with all of your negative crap, too. Instead of being super depressing and spreading negativity, why not try:

1. Hitting a Punching Bag

Just wail on this sucker until you're too tired to cry or tweet sad emo stuff.

2. Going for a Run
Jogging, or yogging (it might be a soft "j"), is a great release. Instead of crying like a 5 year old, just put one foot in front of the other at a brisk pace. You'll work up a good sweat, relieve some stress, and I won't unfollow you! AWESOME!

3. Cry in the Mirror
Crying actually releases hormones which, in turn, makes you less sad. That's science. So why do it in front of a mirror? This way, you can clearly see that you are an adult, acting like a baby. Hopefully this only lasts a few seconds until you feel dumb and stop being so freakin' emo.

4. Watch this
If you can watch this video and still be sad, you have no soul. I LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!

I get that we look to our friends for comfort and support when times get hard, but a public forum like Facebook or Twitter is not the place to do it. It's annoying, and no one wants to have negative crap forced on them all day. Life is tough enough without it. This is a genuine challenge: for one week, only tweet or share positive things that build people up instead of bringing people down. Not only will you be helping friends who are having a hard time, but you'll probably improve your own mood as well....and I won't hate you :) LOOK AT THIS CUTE FREAKIN' PUPPY!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

Facebook Translator Part II: Birthday Greetings

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I'M A MONKEYYYYY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

WOOHOO!!! It's my birthday. Well yesterday, June 14th was my birthday. I'm now 25. GROSS. But, moving on to what we're all here for: MORE FACEBOOK TRANSLATIONS. Every year Facebook lets all your friends know it's your birthday. People blow up your Wall saying Happy Birthday in many different ways, shapes and forms, so I'm back to help you decipher what people's birthday wishes mean about them or your friendship. 

"happy birthday"- "I barely remember how we met"/ "I'm only doing this because I feel obligated"/ "I hate you"/ "I hate punctuation"/

"Happy Birthday"- Same as above, but this person appreciates capitalization. Props.

"Happyyyy Birthdayyyy!!! :)" - "I have nothing creative to say but I'm nice and want you to be happy!"

"Happy Birthday ________!! Hope it's a good one. :)" - "I want you to know I'm a better friend than the people who just say "happy birthday" 

"Have a Blessed birthday!"- "I'm in your Mom's Bible Study"

"Happy Birthday bro/man/dude"- "We're guy friends"

"Happy Birthday you sexy hunk of meat" - "We're close enough for me to say this without you thinking I'm actually gay (same gender) or that I want you (opposite gender)"

"Hey can I borrow your Chem book next semester?" -"I'm oblivious/ a bad friend"

"Here's an adorable animal pic for your birthday!" - "I'm the best friend ever"

"Hey you Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well. Let's hang out soon. I miss you. :)" -This is the message you hope that attractive member of the opposite sex will send you to rekindle your friendship. There's a 2% chance of this actually happening...and that's being generous.

Again, these are rough translations, but for the most part, pretty accurate. Trust me, I'm a Doctor. (I'm not a Doctor.) But now it's time for me to give out awards for DEAN'S BEST BIRTHDAY WISHES OF 2011!!!!! 

Amber Oliver - Amber left me a link to the Top 10 Movies Rented From Netflix. OBVIOUSLY very helpful. Well done!

Bianca Rodriguez- Bianca left me this video of Justin Bieber singing Happy Birthday. I LOVE THE BIEBS.

Tyler Friedrich- Although Tyler initially only left "happy birthday" i.e. "I hate you", I called him out and he included the following message in his defense "(.)  That's a butthole." #winning

Joey Pantaleo- "Happy Birthday you big buff sexy hunk of man" We're close enough for me to know he's not gay. well played.

Andrew Weaver- "Happy 36th big guy! Hope it's a good birthday for you!" He's been saying I'm in my 30's for the past year.

Ron Crosby - Good ol' Ron left me a long 4 point message covering multiple aspects of my birthday. It was thorough, precise, and the longest message I got all day. Well played sir!

Christina Hussack - "omghb"  Complete opposite of Ron's and the shortest message I got all day. Nice.

If you made this list, CONGRATS! If not, better luck next year. In conclusion, I would like to thank both Erik Havumaki and Kayla Havumaki for including cute animals with their posts. Here they are, and on a serious note, thanks to all of you for the amazing Birthday. I have the best friends ever :)

BIRTHDAY AARDVARK!!!

BIRTHDAY MONKEY WITH A SWEET FRO!!!

Facebook Translator: What your pokes, likes, and comments really mean

Thanks to Mr. Zukerberg and with some help from Justin Timberlake (don't question me), Facebook has changed the way we socialize with our friends, acquaintances, and enemies we pretend are our friends. Nice. We can write messages, use Facebook Chat, post publicly on someone's "wall", "like" any comment or picture or video we see, and even "poke" someone. This might be confusing to some people at first, but I'm here to translate what these really mean and why the person communicating with you chose the Facebook avenue they did. Let's do this. LEERRROOOYYY JEEENNNKKKINS.

The Facebook Message

This is like an email. A person uses this when they don't want the whole Facebook universe seeing what they're telling you. It could be because of a sensitive subject like the loss of a loved one, genuinely trying to get to know an acquaintance better, or maybe an apology trying to mend a friendship. But usually these messages are received by attractive girls from creepy guys saying "Hey you're really hot. Can I have your number? We should hang out. I love you. Let's date. I do P90x."

Facebook Chat

Facebook chat is the ability to instant message anyone you are friends with on Facebook. I hate it. Let's be real, most Facebook friendships mean "I met you once and it wasn't the worst experience of my life." Just because you qualify for that DOES NOT mean I want you to have instant access to live conversation with me. When the message noise goes off my natural instinct is to scream and punch myself in the face, but I usually control myself and just hope it's someone I have a legitimate friendship with...or a cute girl I'd like to get to know better. (Just being real here.)

 

"Hey Dean how are you?" 

"OMG LAWLZ Hiiiiiii Mandy :) :) :)"

"Hey man!"

 **Go Offline**

Wall Posts

The Wall Post is used to just drop in and say hi to a good friend. It's also very useful for girls to blow up your news feed to make sure everyone knows how much fun they had last night/weekend. Usually it goes like this: 

"OMG AND THEN THIS HAPPENED AND THIS HAPPENED AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WERE TALKING ABOUT HAHAHAHAHA LOL LUFF YOU BEST FWEND"

Gotta love it.

Likes

"Liking" something can mean a lot of things:

• If someone "likes" your picture, they think you look good in it, unless it's a girl "liking" another girls picture. This could mean anything from "I like your shoes" to "I hate you and I hope you die." Tough to tell.
• If someone of the opposite gender "likes" every profile picture you have, they probably know your Social Security number and watch you sleep at night. You should delete them. Right now. 
• If someone "likes" your last comment after the two of you have been commenting back and forth to each other, it's a very polite way of saying "I read what you just wrote and I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, but this conversation is over." Very handy tool. 
• If someone "likes" a comment you left on someone else's wall, it either means "I agree with what they said" or "Why won't you guys hang out with me :("

Pokes

Apparently the "poke" was made so people who do not know each other on Facebook can get to know each other. If you "poke" a stranger on Facebook, you also allow them to see your profile. Hopefully this leads to them finding you interesting/attractive, "poking" you back or adding you as a friend, and then any combination of the previously mentioned interactions that leads to you both falling in love, getting married, "poking" and having beautiful babies together (HA #inappropriate). But seriously, I don't get the poke. Just send a message. As my mother used to tell my 3 year old self, "Use your big boy words." It has to be more effective than poking.

Well kids, there you have it. Now you know what message these Facebook interactions are really sending. Keep this in mind the next time you're browsing the good ol' Facebook. But before I go....CUTE ANIMAL PICTURE!!!! Thank you to my Mom for sending this to me, specifically for my blog. Nice.

OTTER!!!!! I want one.