East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

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Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.