How I Can Stop Identity Theft

I woke up this morning and went about my usual routine: up at 6am, made a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and pancakes, had a delicious chai latte, and ended it all with a brisk 5 mile jog...HA. That's a lie. I woke up at 10:30am and played on my iPhone until 11:45am. But I opened up my laptop to log onto the good ol' Face Book Dot Com only to find that my account was locked because SOMEONE IN FREAKIN' THAILAND LOGGED INTO MY ACCOUNT! I imagine he looked like this:

"OH HERRO! I RIKE A TAKE A DEAN'S FRACE BROOK!"

** WARNING: Do not Google Image search "Thai Boy" unless your Safe Search is on Strict. Not ok, Thailand. Not. Ok.**

I'd also like to clarify that I am not a racist and I love all of God's people, but fake Asian accents are the most fun thing EVER. You can't argue with me, it's science.

So yeah, I'm a little upset with Ping Pong over there thinking he can just hop on the interwebs and log into MY Facebook just for the fun of it! What a jerk! GET YOUR OWN IDENTITY PING PONG!!! Also, if you're going to steal someone's identity, why me? I'm not that cool...KIDDING. My identity is TOTALLY worth stealing. I'm mildly awesome/ decently marvelous. 

Sooooooo how can I protect myself from identity thieves? This is my game plan:

1. Buy a Gun

It's only a matter of time before bullets can travel via email, and when that time comes, Ping Pong is getting two right between the eyes...or maybe in his spam folder? Sorry, I still don't completely understand the technology.

2. Change my password to "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

This way, no one will have any idea what my password i...wait...crap. I guess I just ruined that idea. I SUCK AT THIS. Ok how about...

3. Stop Using The Internet

YEAH! Try getting your grubby e-hands on me now, PING PONG! I just won't use the Internet ever again, starting right now.........

....................................

......................................................

..................................................OK I'M BACK. That was the longest 15 seconds of my life. Hmmmm I could always try...

4. Buying an Attack Dog!

He's the the meanest, scariest, most threatening animal known to man, and just the knowledge that I own this dog will keep Identity Thieves at bay.

Made this myself. Kinda proud.

Gosh, I freakin' love Boo. I hope this works. If not, at least I have some Boo in my life. He's the best.

5. Beg For Mercy

Dear Online Thieves,

Please leave me alone. I'm a very nice person and I have little to nothing to offer you outside of a few chuckles. Maybe. On a good day. But for real, GO AWAY PING PONG. My Facebook is not worth your time. BE MERCIFUL UPON ME INTERNET GOD OF iDeath!

Love, 

Me

Ok that's it. I changed my password and I think my Facebook is safe...for now. Identity thieves are just big meanies. Jerks. :'(

Social Media Isn't For Venting

Let me show you a hypothetical conversation that never happens:

"Hey you have a Twitter? You should follow me! I complain all day about how hard it is being a middle class American and how much I hate the opposite sex!"

"Awesome! I've been looking for a way to read negative crap all day! I'll follow you right now!"

"Sometimes I rant about how much I hate my friends and family! If you're lucky, I'll give out awkward personal information about them that changes your opinion of them forever!"

"YES I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THESE TWEETS!"

Yeah, that doesn't happen. We all have bad days. Yes, some people suck. Yes, we all need a release from the stress of life, but we all have too much crap in our own lives to deal with all of your negative crap, too. Instead of being super depressing and spreading negativity, why not try:

1. Hitting a Punching Bag

Just wail on this sucker until you're too tired to cry or tweet sad emo stuff.

2. Going for a Run
Jogging, or yogging (it might be a soft "j"), is a great release. Instead of crying like a 5 year old, just put one foot in front of the other at a brisk pace. You'll work up a good sweat, relieve some stress, and I won't unfollow you! AWESOME!

3. Cry in the Mirror
Crying actually releases hormones which, in turn, makes you less sad. That's science. So why do it in front of a mirror? This way, you can clearly see that you are an adult, acting like a baby. Hopefully this only lasts a few seconds until you feel dumb and stop being so freakin' emo.

4. Watch this
If you can watch this video and still be sad, you have no soul. I LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!

I get that we look to our friends for comfort and support when times get hard, but a public forum like Facebook or Twitter is not the place to do it. It's annoying, and no one wants to have negative crap forced on them all day. Life is tough enough without it. This is a genuine challenge: for one week, only tweet or share positive things that build people up instead of bringing people down. Not only will you be helping friends who are having a hard time, but you'll probably improve your own mood as well....and I won't hate you :) LOOK AT THIS CUTE FREAKIN' PUPPY!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

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Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Boo, the World's Cutest Dog aka Why You're Single part II

Have you seen this freakin' dog?!?!?! His name is Boo, and he has over 3 million views on YouTube by staring at a camera and being adorable. Ok, adorable doesn't quite cut it. He's probably the most precious thing on the face of this planet. As soon as I watched this video I just started throwing all my cash, credit cards, and material belongings at the screen, trying to give them to him. I will not be happy until Boo is mine!! So why is this blog also labeled "Why You're Single part II"? Let me explain. You are single because:

1) You Aren't Boo

If you were Boo, everyone would want you all the time regardless of gender, race, or sexual preference. Why? Boo is awesome.

2) You Don't Own Boo

If Boo was your dog, you COULD sit inside all day and have a line of men/women outside your door waiting to see you, despite what I said in the original "Why You're Single" blog. Why? BECAUSE BOO IS AWESOME!

3) You Don't Know Boo

Even if you just knew Boo, you'd be cooler than 99% of the population. Heck, if you pet him once or just see him from a distance you're still 10x more awesome than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Why?!?!?! BECAUSE BOO IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I want Boo. I NEED Boo. Now. Please. Get me Boo!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH BOO AS A PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!