My Guide to Better Halloween Costumes

Smells like updog in this blog. What's up dog?! Those dogs! Ha. I don't know how to do jokes. Happy Halloween kiddos. Today, I'm going to show you all how to take a few typical costumes and make them SUPER AWESOME. Let's go.

Ghost

Put a sheet over your head and cut out eye holes. Ghost. But, what if you cut out a neck hole? Then a hole for arms? Then cut the sheet so it stops right below your waist?! Then you have a stylish and trendy ghost costume, or what some would call "a shirt."

Vocation

So you want to be a teacher/fireman/policeman. Very admirable. Classic. Now ladies, here's an idea. Be that, but make everything way too short and way too tight. That way people will value you for your creativity and innovation instead of just admiring your body. You'll attract the classiest of suitors and be engaged in 3 months, tops. 

Zombie 

Zombies are all the rage, ever since that zombie show got so popular, "The View." Sure, you could pay for a costume or get elaborate makeup, but who has time for that? For best results, don't eat, drink, or sleep for 4 months prior to costume night, then go to a party looking like death and eat your friends. 

Guy Who Doesn't Dress Up

So you don't like to dress up. That's cool. You're just going to wear your normal clothes, and that's fine. Now here's the spin to make it even better: don't go to the party I'm at because you're awful and I don't like you.

Animal

I like animal costumes. Totally being a penguin this year and MY GOSH I look adorable. But do you know how you kick it up a notch? Weapons. OBVIOUSLY. A cow with a machine gun. A mouse with swords. Or completely flip things around and dress like a grenade and throw cats at people. Now no one even knows what the heck is going on and your friend "isn't allowed to bring their weird friend to their party again." That's you. The weird friend. They may not like you, but you can bet your slingshot-wielding donkey they'll respect you.

Anything Plus Second Language

"Oh cool, you're a vampire."

"Yes."

"Having fun?"

"Sí"

"OH MY GOSH A BILINGUAL VAMPIRE?! Everyone get in here and check out this cool guy!"

That's how that will go. Every time. For even better results: trilingual. But stretch first. Gotta limber up. Can't go pulling a hammy pre-party.

So there you have it! Everyone is going to see your improved costume and be all like "Wow, way to go the extra mile, you go-getter. You so fly. All these hunnies are totes feelin' your vibe." Because that's how people talk. So go out, have fun, and drink and drive because it's terrible. Happy Halloween! 

5 Tips to Avoid Ebola From a Guy Who Knows Nothing About Ebola

Had a little medical "procedure" today. Nothing to be concerned about/involving ebola, but the anesthesia is still wearing off so this blog is going to be extra great (stupid)!

So, I don't know much about Ebola but I know it's totes the worst. I think it's when an arctic fox sneaks into your bed at night and rubs his tail on your face and creates an alternate universe in your tummy where arctic foxes rule and we are their slaves? Sounds awful. Here's how to avoid it.

1. Stop Buying Canned Ebola

Yes, I know, canned food is cheap and convenient, but it's bad for you, especially when it's Ebola. Don't give into Walmart's 2-for-1 deal, as tempting as it is. Try Spam instead. Not only is it a trusted name, it's also not Ebola.

2. Punch It In the Nose or Gills

When swimming in open waters with a bleeding wound, you're bound to attract some Ebolas. Stay calm, and when the Ebola approaches you, punch it firmly in the nose or gills and swim away as fast as you can. If you have the ability to grow a mermaid tail for increased speed, this is a great time to use that skill. Also, that's cool. Be my friend.

3. Never Leave Your House Until You Die

Get a BJ's or Costco membership. Buy all the foods. All. Quit your job. Pay extra for HBO and other premium channels. Learn to play accordion. Do a few crosswords. Repeat until you aren't alive anymore and/or you are dead.

4. Avoid Travel to Ebola

Ebola is the capital of Nebraska, which is the capital of Tulsa. Don't go there. Too much Ebola. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe take an astronomy class. *condescedning eye roll*

5. Do Everything They Did In the Movie "Armageddon"

Remember that movie? So good. I DON'T WANNA CLOSEEEEE MY EYESSS, I DON'T WANNA GETTT EBOLAAAA. Love The Stones man. Killed that song. KIDDING. I know Depeche Mode sang that. So yeah, find some guys who can drill for oil. Teach them to be astronauts. Obviously this is easier than teaching an astronaut how to drill. (Apparently Ben Affleck actually brought this point up but was told to shut his mouth. Saw that on the Internet somewhere.) So yeah, once they master the art of Astronautology, send them into space to land on the Ebola and blow it up. Then marry Liv Tyler while a picture of everyone that died up there watches you, because that's totally not creepy and awkward. See link:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LCPZWkzMYEc

So there ya go! The choice for me, Ebola free. Stay classy San Diego. Gonna take a nap now. Smooches.

If I Went On Shark Tank

We've all seen Shark Tank. We all love Shark Tank. Smart people with great ideas go on there and you think "Why didn't I think of that?!" Then a woman goes on there and talks about how she invented gloves for her cats and she calls them "Cittens" because it's a mix of "cat" and "mittens" and doesn't realize that it's confusing that it just looks like she misspelled "kittens" which is already a complete word for cats by itself. Then they ask how much she's made already, she says nothing, her husband says he's $2 million in the hole and they say he's dumb, the wife cries, and we all collectively shake our heads. Like this. SMH. Now if I went on there, things would be different.

I waltz in and I'm all like "Hello. My name is Dean Purificato." Calm. Still. Cool. I scan the room and THANK GOD Barbara is there instead of Lori because MY GOODNESS Lori is so mean! Just ripping people to shreds and I'm all

QVC seemed like such a happy place until I got to know her. Now it makes me nervous. 

So now I unveil my product: the ZOOMBA. It's like a Roomba, but FASTER. "Dean...Zumba is a thing already and you already made fun of the "Cittens lady..." Guys, just stop. ZOOMBA is taking over so you can get on board or step aside.

So Herjavec asks me how much I want and I say "You seem nice Robert. We can be friends, but no one comes on this show to work with you. I'm OUT." Barbara asks me to be her boyfriend. I politely decline. Daymond is laughing at my idea already so before he can say anything I say "Oh FUBU? The brand we totally forgot about until you came on here and reminded us you started it? OUT." Mr. Wonderful offers me $10 million for 5% because he's smart. Cuban counters with $15 million for 5%. I say I need a minute, step out into the hallway, and call my family at home on my ZOOMBA. Oh yeah, ZOOMBA is also a smart phone. TAKE THAT HATERS. So I tell my family I'm rich, they're all so happy for me and my parents tell me I'm finally the second favorite sibling and hang up on me. Gosh. Sweet, sweet victory. Love this show. Love my new ZOOMBA life. 

Thank you, Shark Tank. In conclusion, here's a cat in a shark costume riding a Roomba and chasing a baby duck.

Why Your "Real Man" Quotes are Kind of Dumb

I'm back! Back in action. KAPOW. Like an old cartoon you enjoyed as a kid, remade into a big-budget Michael Bay film, sans explosions, or for our Spanish readers, "sans explosions," because I don't speak Spanish. Let's kick it.

We all know some basic girl who is constantly drowning your newsfeed with pictures of a good looking dude holding a good looking girl with a quote giving you advice on how to be a "real man," advice you totally didn't ask for. Why is she doing this? Because her ex was a scumbag, she's not over him, and she's being passive aggressive. So there's that. Then 1,000 other basic white girls put down their PSLs and lace up their Ugg boots...or...puff their puff balls on their Ugg boots...whatever weird accessory they have, idk. ANYWAY. They all just share and like each other's pictures and are all "omg this is so true. I wish SOMEBODY would read this" or "<3 this" (which I choose to read as "Less than three this" because math jokes are funny.

 

So yeah, that's annoying. You know who's NOT diving into the bowels of the Internet to find your Pinterest board because he wants a picture of lilacs to tell him how to be a better guy? YOUR SCUMBAG EX BOYFRIEND. Obviously. So you all get a zero in Marketing 101 for being awful at appealing to your target demographic. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Goose Egg, or literally this goose's egg.

Goose's? Gooses? Geesen? Whatever. I'll take it from him and give it to you.

In short, your quotes are dumb and they don't work. Want a guy to be a real man? Maybe don't just sit there being his awesome girlfriend that bends over backwards for him while he treats you like hot garbage. Maybe say "Hey you're not nice. This is over k thx bye." Maybe that will be more effective. Maybe. Just maybe. 

Love you all. It's good to be back. Pumpkin Guinea Pig.