The Smiling Car Door Smasher

Ok, this isn't the car door smasher, but she looks pretty similar. Ready for a story? Here it goes.

SO I leave Starbucks with my usual: Grande Pikes Place with Pumpkin Spice. "Room for cream?" HECK NO BARISTA. I'm a man. So, I sit in my car, place my beverage in my cup holder, and KABOOM the lady next to me SMASHES my car door with hers, and I mean SSSMMMAAASSSHHHEEESSS it. My car shook. Hard. So i look up at her with a face that's a weird mix of anger/confusion/fear. I think it looked like this:

I'm waiting for some kind of apology or maybe mouthing "I'm so sorry!" to me through my closed window. What does she actually do? SHE SMILES AND WAVES WHILE SHE'S GETTING INTO HER CAR! What the heck?! It was the kind of smile-and-wave combo that you would use to say "Hey there, acquaintance! I know you well enough to acknowledge you in public but not enough to stop and say hi!". Do I know her? Nope. Never seen her in my life. But, that's the way she chose to react to this potentially awkward situation.

Now I'm even more confused, but my overly-friendly instincts take over and I just smile and wave back! She somehow flipped this whole situation around so I went from "WHO THE POOP JUST SMASHED MY CAR?!" to "Hey, good seeing you to!". What. The. Heck. This lady is clearly some kind of witch. Or Wicca. Or Wiccen? I have no idea how to spell these words but you know what I mean. SHE HAS POWERS. I don't know what was in her Starbucks cup, but it was probably something to fuel her magic, and I want some. It's times like these I wish I went to Hogwarts so I could cast a "SORRIUS FOR MY SMASHIUS" spell on her and get an apology!

SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

Ok, maybe she saw how crappy my car is and thought "This kid clearly doesn't care about a ding in his car." and yes, she would be right, but still. This whole thing has left me confused and I still don't know how I feel about this woman. I'm equal parts impressed and offended. If she's married, God help that man. He is probably TOTALLY whipped by her and has no idea. He probably spends all day cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush and is actually convinced he likes it. She needs to be stopped. And I need to stop her...TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Thanks, attack puppy. At least SOMEONE has my back!

All You Need to Know About Harry Potter

In approximately 48 hours, I watched the first 7 Harry Potter movies. At about 2.5 hours each, that means I spent 17.5 hours watching little baby wizard children romp around a fantasy world...at the age of 25. No shame. No regrets. I dove head first into the story of Harry Potter and learned everything I could just in time to see the most recent release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 this past weekend. It was amazing and if I were capable of tears (too manly), I would have come close to waterworks a few times during the final chapter of this epic story. But, now it's over, and I'm here to enlighten you guys on all you really need to know about the Harry Potter Saga without spoiling anything. This could be tough.

Harry Potter

Has a scar on his head because he was an invincible baby. Starts off as a wimpy nerd with hipster glasses, ends the series pretty much the same way but a little more brave and/or stupid.

Hermione Granger


Starts off as a cute little book worm, ends as an older, very hot bookworm. Hallelujah.

Ronald Weasley


Starts off as a whiny ginger, ends as a whiny ginger on steroids. Somehow, Hermione is his girl. Boggles my mind.

Albus Dumbledore


Headmaster of Hogwarts. Awesome beard. Pretty much the man. Also, I don't care what J.K. Rowling says, he's not gay!! I mean, her initials are J. K. She's clearly just kidding.

Severus Snape


Kinda like the bad guy of the good guys? Or good guy of the bad guys? Just watch the movies. All that really matters is that he looks like he just got off tour with My Chemical Romance. EMO.

Draco Malfoy


Starts off as a punk, ends as a dbag. You'll hate him the second you see his big dumb face. I'm actually punching his face on my laptop screen between each word I'm typing.

Voldemort


Bad guy, obviously. He has no nose. No nose. Nostrils, yes. Nose, not so much. Straight up noseless. People are afraid to even say his name, even though when they do, nothing really happens.

Cedric Diggory


In one movie. SPOILER ALERT. He dies. Goes on to play some sparkly fairy or something. #twilightsucks









These are the main characters of the movie. There are other crucial characters, but you'll just have to watch the movies to learn about them. I can't tell you everything! Now for a few key words and terms you'll want to know:



Hogwarts: School for magicians and witches


Muggles: Non-magic people


Mudblood: Pretty much the "N word". Means you're not a pure blooded magician. Don't say it to Hermione. Trust.

Death Eaters: Bad guys. Pretty sure they don't actually eat death because that really doesn't make any sense.

Dementors: They'll pretty much suck your soul out of your face

Alright, you are now informed enough to watch the Harry Potter movies and actually know what the heck is going on. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Now go watch the movies, and love them. If you don't love them, I hate you. "But Dean, you don't know me." I don't care. You suck. To everyone who loves Harry Potter, I like you . I like you alot, and to show how much I like you, here's a HARRY POTTER KITTY!!!

"What it dooooo my Mudbloods?!"
(He's allowed to say it. You're not.)