If you're going to post "selfies", do it right!

I'm losing the battle of "selfies are kinda stupid" so instead, I've decided to help. I work full time at a photography studio and part of my job is the infamous SENIOR PORTRAIT. My job is to take awkward teenagers, make them feel more awkward by taking their picture, and then make them look good and relaxed. It can be rough, but let me use my skills to help you look less bad shooting your selfies.

1. Ladies, only let us see one shoulder
You know who wants broad shoulders? Dudes. Why? It's masculine. You want to look feminine. So, turn your body a little.

"Where did my body go??"

2. Perspective

It's all about the "angles". Shoot from below, your body looks bigger than your head. 

Girls, you don't want this.

Shoot from above, your body looks smaller because your head looks bigger.

Flattering for the ladies, slimming for the dudes.

This is a little much. No one cares what you look like from space.

3. The Duck Face is dumb

That's all.

4. Dudes, flex your traps, don't shrug your shoulders.

Shrugging your actual shoulders is a sign of being uncomfortable, so don't do it. Just flex your traps and keep your shoulders relaxed.

HULKAMANIA!

5. More skin DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SMALLER

Some girls think "I'm a little curvy, I'll dress like a hooker and look smaller." WRONG. Clothes will slim you, skin will not.

I don't look big no matter what I do, but this certainly doesn't make me look smaller, especially if i had big flappy triceps. Don't do it ladies. Guys, SUN'S OUT GUNS OUT. Tank tops fah dayzzzz.

That's all folks. Don't post selfies, because you're an adult and it's dumb, but if you're going to, at least let me help you look your best.

Social Media Isn't For Venting

Let me show you a hypothetical conversation that never happens:

"Hey you have a Twitter? You should follow me! I complain all day about how hard it is being a middle class American and how much I hate the opposite sex!"

"Awesome! I've been looking for a way to read negative crap all day! I'll follow you right now!"

"Sometimes I rant about how much I hate my friends and family! If you're lucky, I'll give out awkward personal information about them that changes your opinion of them forever!"

"YES I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THESE TWEETS!"

Yeah, that doesn't happen. We all have bad days. Yes, some people suck. Yes, we all need a release from the stress of life, but we all have too much crap in our own lives to deal with all of your negative crap, too. Instead of being super depressing and spreading negativity, why not try:

1. Hitting a Punching Bag

Just wail on this sucker until you're too tired to cry or tweet sad emo stuff.

2. Going for a Run
Jogging, or yogging (it might be a soft "j"), is a great release. Instead of crying like a 5 year old, just put one foot in front of the other at a brisk pace. You'll work up a good sweat, relieve some stress, and I won't unfollow you! AWESOME!

3. Cry in the Mirror
Crying actually releases hormones which, in turn, makes you less sad. That's science. So why do it in front of a mirror? This way, you can clearly see that you are an adult, acting like a baby. Hopefully this only lasts a few seconds until you feel dumb and stop being so freakin' emo.

4. Watch this
If you can watch this video and still be sad, you have no soul. I LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!

I get that we look to our friends for comfort and support when times get hard, but a public forum like Facebook or Twitter is not the place to do it. It's annoying, and no one wants to have negative crap forced on them all day. Life is tough enough without it. This is a genuine challenge: for one week, only tweet or share positive things that build people up instead of bringing people down. Not only will you be helping friends who are having a hard time, but you'll probably improve your own mood as well....and I won't hate you :) LOOK AT THIS CUTE FREAKIN' PUPPY!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!