Girls and Football

For most of my life I've asked myself the age-old question: Do I want to date a girl that's into sports or not? Right? That question is totally age-old. Old as all the ages. I'm sure my parents spent many hours during their pre-marriage counseling wondering the same thing. How much will organized sports affect this eternal love?!

Well, if you don't know, I'm a Boston/New England sports fan living in Connecticut. Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, heck I even watch the New England Revolution soccer team (the 2 times a year they televise a game #angryemojiface.) Living in CT, you're on the front lines of the infamous Boston/New York battlefield. It's kinda the worst. So when you meet a girl here, you have a 50% chance that she hates your teams, if she cares at all. A 50% chance that when you say you like the Red Sox, she goes "EW OMG GROSS JETER IS BAE" because she doesn't know he retired (burn) and they post something like this on opening day.

I made that myself. You should be impressed. But anyway, now it's so much worse being a Patriots fan! Whether they care about sports or not, you mention Tom Brady WHO I LOVE SO MUCH and they're like "EW DIDN'T HE CHEAT OR SOMETHING" and I literally CAN'T EVEN. Like LITERALLY I will slap that pumpkin spice latte right onto your UGGs (WHO SPONSORS TOM BTW.)

Dashing. Just a stunning, handsome man. Wait, where was I? Oh right. LEAVE TOM OUT OF THIS.  You don't know he cheated. The NFL doesn't even know he cheated. Just stop, please. Say what you want about me, but leave my quarterback out of this!!!

 You probably don't even know what this meme is from!! Anyway, so these conversations have gotten old. Fast. Can I deal with a lifetime of Boston hate from the girl I'm with forever? I thought I could, but maybe I can't. But on the flip side, do I want a girl who also likes my teams? Do I actually want a girl that's going to be upset that the Red Sox pitching is SO BAD this year? Do I want a girl that's going to yell at the TV when Tukka Rask let's a stupid shot right at his chest trickle into the goal right after he basically did a headstand to stop a rocket to the net? UGH typical Rask. But I don't know that I want that either!

In truth, I don't think I want a girl that's just like me, but a girl that likes that I like what I like, and vice versa. Make sense? Like, I'm over there liking what I like and she's all like "I like that."

 I'm a pretty big personality (aka kind of annoying), so if I date someone that acts like I act and likes everything I like, the world might LITERALLY explode. Too much. Can't handle it. So I think I've found the perfect girl:

GIRL WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SPORTS BUT LIKES GOING TO GAMES BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND SHE HAS A REASON TO WEAR ONE OF MY JERSEYS OR SOMETHING.

She'll watch a game with you when she has nothing better to do, but doesn't mind if you go and watch it with the guys. When your team suffers a crushing loss (like the Bruins losing the Cup to the Blackhawks on that STUPID last minute goal), she'll have the emotional stability to tell me everything will be ok and play with my hair and tell me I'm pretty. She'll be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, and she'll even be into things that I never have been into, but I like them because they make her happy. And isn't that what it's all about? Doesn't everyone want that person that cares about them so much that they want you to enjoy the things that make you happy? I think that's it. AWWWWSOCUTE. So, to all you genuine sports-loving ladies, sports haters, and sports non-carers, keep it up. Do your thing. In reality, it probably doesn't matter. But if it does, you'll figure it out. Also, I literally love everything about this picture. Everything. LITERALLY.

Pizza and Why Dating Is (and Isn't) Hopeless.

HEEEYYYYYY first blog of 2015! My blogs may not be regularly posted or scheduled, but at least they're stupid and useless. HASHTAG OPTIMISM.

I enjoy talking about dating, being single, the effects that has on our social media, etc., so why not stick to what I know (or don't really know), ya know? Apparently everyone my age is single. EV. RY. ONE. My social media is flooded with Pinterest quotes about what guys should know about women and how much we suck. I get it. If anyone knows singleness, it's this guy right here. 29 years old and all my shortest relationships were my most recent ones. Apparently 18 year old Dean was better at relationships than 29 year old Dean. That's right, THIS guy. (Sorry Tom for dragging you into this.)

Yeah, I don't get it either. But facts are facts, so now you know.

So now I'm on this long stretch of not being in a relationship, the family is concerned, Mom is trying to hook me up with every girl within 5 years of my age that breathes, my sister threatened if I didn't cash in on a Match.com Groupon she would make a profile for me, and I'm pretty sure my Grandmother thinks I'm gay. (She was super nice about it when she implied it so that was nice of her.)

All that is to say, I'm probably the only person NOT concerned about my love life. I've been down to hang out with girls, had some fun nights out that were good but there wasn't really that "spark" I'm looking for, met some really great people that I liked, just didn't LIKE. Not the best results, but not the worst!

Ladies on the other hand have to date guys, and we can be terrible. This is going to start like I'm making excuses for guys, but I'm not. Follow me here. If a girl isn't interested in a guy, she's out. Boom. Simple. We males on the other hand, I think we like a consolation prize. Like "Hey, she's not the one, but she's cool and cute so she can be the one for now." So after the date they're still down to cuddle, flirt, maybe even...

...get what I'm saying? So girls think "all guys want is one thing..." and they're right... it's pizza. But it's not that guys only want pizza, we also love that long-term girl who can provide so much more than pizza, but it's much easier to commit to a pizza for however long the pizza lasts than to sign up for that "THIS COULD BE FOREVER" situation.

I'M USING PIZZA AS AN ANALOGY FOR CASUAL OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS.

Guys don't only want one thing. Every guy will meet a girl and think "OH MAN THIS IS REAL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THESE ARE FEELINGS AND I'M FEELING THEM." Then we freak out and start word-vomiting everything we think a long-term girl deserves to know like "I LIKE YOU AND THIS COULD BE FOREVER AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE A GOOD FATHER AND I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE YET BUT FOR YOU I COULD AND I HAVE BAGGAGE AND GOD IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME AND THAT'S PROBABLY WEIRD AHHHH!" Basically like this:

So now instead of the guy that doesn't talk to you enough, doesn't take things seriously enough, etc., you're dealing with this babbling, emotional nut job and you're all like:

And then you run away and we're all like:

We're boys. We're dumb. The middle-ground has never been our strength. But I'm just saying when a guy thinks it's real, he'll treat it like it's real. If he doesn't, well, run. Immediately. Easier said than done though. There's always THIS battle:

So dating is annoying and complicated and we all hate it, and it feels hopeless, right? Well it's not. Here's why.

Yes, you keep meeting the "wrong" person. AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. That's why the RIGHT one, who is totally out there looking for you, too, is the right person. Not perfect, not flawless, but RIGHT, and not right for everyone, but right for you! That's the point! If every other guy/girl could be the one you're with forever, then that's not very special, is it? There's a lot of people in this world. Most of them you shouldn't be with, and that's fine. Just remember how much this "dating" phase sucks when you do find that one.

Fast forward to years into marriage. Life changes, you know every flaw this person has. You're with eachother day in and day out and they can annoy you like no one else on earth can. But you know what? In a time where you wouldn't even give most people a second date, this person got a third, a fourth, a fifth date. Then you decided to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you wanted your friends and family to meet them. Then they proposed and you said YES. That's crazy! You got to the point where they offered you FOREVER, a terrifying thought in the past, and you actually said yes! So maybe all these failed dating experiences, all the guys that sucked, the girls that think "some other girl will be really lucky to have you", they're all there to show you just how special the RIGHT one is. They'll be there the rest of your life to remind you that yes, your spouse isn't perfect, and no one is, but compared to everyone else, they sure were close, miles ahead of the curve, and that's why you actually said yes. Turns out all those people you didn't love or didn't love you back make real, true, selfless love so incredibly amazing. So keep your head up. This is part of it, and if you keep the right attitude, the story could end exactly how you want it to.

Maybe Grandma is on to something. This was too sappy. I'm still super single so if all this is wrong, don't get mad at me. I'm trying!! And now I want pizza. NO NOT THAT PIZZA REALLY A REAL ACTUAL PIZZA.

Daylight Savings Time Is The WORST

"Oh yay! We get an extra hour of sleep!" WRONG. I've been waking up every morning at 6-7am for no reason just staring at my window wondering who had this terrible idea. So yeah, I got an extra hour Sunday, but now I'm losing an hour of sleep every day this week while my body figures out what the heck I did to it. Even in a straight up trade of losing an hour later to gain one now, I'll pass. 

Extra hour of sleep: still tired.

Lose an hour of sleep: kill everything.

Can I vote for that today? "Hey both guys running for governor are pretty awful, so I'm just voting to get rid of DST." I think I can do that. Who does the government think they are anyway?! Just going to change how time works like that's a thing. How about no?!

 Any decision that makes me wish the sun didn't exist, ya know, that thing that gives us warmth and light and life, can not be a good decision. I did some wiki research and basically no one has ever been sold on this idea. Presidents said "No I don't like it" and got vetoed by congress. So much for blaming everything on Obama. 

Anyway, this is terrible, and I'm sick of eating lunch with a headlamp on and retiring to an Alaska-like hibernation every afternoon, and then at 6am the sun is all "OHHH YEAH" barging through my window like the Kool Aid Man. Now it's 7am and I'm blogging. This is not a life I wanted. No one asked me about this decision, and I hate it, so yeah, my clocks will be going back to how they were and you can all just deal with me being an hour early to everything until March. I just want my sleep back!!

My Guide to Better Halloween Costumes

Smells like updog in this blog. What's up dog?! Those dogs! Ha. I don't know how to do jokes. Happy Halloween kiddos. Today, I'm going to show you all how to take a few typical costumes and make them SUPER AWESOME. Let's go.

Ghost

Put a sheet over your head and cut out eye holes. Ghost. But, what if you cut out a neck hole? Then a hole for arms? Then cut the sheet so it stops right below your waist?! Then you have a stylish and trendy ghost costume, or what some would call "a shirt."

Vocation

So you want to be a teacher/fireman/policeman. Very admirable. Classic. Now ladies, here's an idea. Be that, but make everything way too short and way too tight. That way people will value you for your creativity and innovation instead of just admiring your body. You'll attract the classiest of suitors and be engaged in 3 months, tops. 

Zombie 

Zombies are all the rage, ever since that zombie show got so popular, "The View." Sure, you could pay for a costume or get elaborate makeup, but who has time for that? For best results, don't eat, drink, or sleep for 4 months prior to costume night, then go to a party looking like death and eat your friends. 

Guy Who Doesn't Dress Up

So you don't like to dress up. That's cool. You're just going to wear your normal clothes, and that's fine. Now here's the spin to make it even better: don't go to the party I'm at because you're awful and I don't like you.

Animal

I like animal costumes. Totally being a penguin this year and MY GOSH I look adorable. But do you know how you kick it up a notch? Weapons. OBVIOUSLY. A cow with a machine gun. A mouse with swords. Or completely flip things around and dress like a grenade and throw cats at people. Now no one even knows what the heck is going on and your friend "isn't allowed to bring their weird friend to their party again." That's you. The weird friend. They may not like you, but you can bet your slingshot-wielding donkey they'll respect you.

Anything Plus Second Language

"Oh cool, you're a vampire."

"Yes."

"Having fun?"

"Sí"

"OH MY GOSH A BILINGUAL VAMPIRE?! Everyone get in here and check out this cool guy!"

That's how that will go. Every time. For even better results: trilingual. But stretch first. Gotta limber up. Can't go pulling a hammy pre-party.

So there you have it! Everyone is going to see your improved costume and be all like "Wow, way to go the extra mile, you go-getter. You so fly. All these hunnies are totes feelin' your vibe." Because that's how people talk. So go out, have fun, and drink and drive because it's terrible. Happy Halloween! 

5 Tips to Avoid Ebola From a Guy Who Knows Nothing About Ebola

Had a little medical "procedure" today. Nothing to be concerned about/involving ebola, but the anesthesia is still wearing off so this blog is going to be extra great (stupid)!

So, I don't know much about Ebola but I know it's totes the worst. I think it's when an arctic fox sneaks into your bed at night and rubs his tail on your face and creates an alternate universe in your tummy where arctic foxes rule and we are their slaves? Sounds awful. Here's how to avoid it.

1. Stop Buying Canned Ebola

Yes, I know, canned food is cheap and convenient, but it's bad for you, especially when it's Ebola. Don't give into Walmart's 2-for-1 deal, as tempting as it is. Try Spam instead. Not only is it a trusted name, it's also not Ebola.

2. Punch It In the Nose or Gills

When swimming in open waters with a bleeding wound, you're bound to attract some Ebolas. Stay calm, and when the Ebola approaches you, punch it firmly in the nose or gills and swim away as fast as you can. If you have the ability to grow a mermaid tail for increased speed, this is a great time to use that skill. Also, that's cool. Be my friend.

3. Never Leave Your House Until You Die

Get a BJ's or Costco membership. Buy all the foods. All. Quit your job. Pay extra for HBO and other premium channels. Learn to play accordion. Do a few crosswords. Repeat until you aren't alive anymore and/or you are dead.

4. Avoid Travel to Ebola

Ebola is the capital of Nebraska, which is the capital of Tulsa. Don't go there. Too much Ebola. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe take an astronomy class. *condescedning eye roll*

5. Do Everything They Did In the Movie "Armageddon"

Remember that movie? So good. I DON'T WANNA CLOSEEEEE MY EYESSS, I DON'T WANNA GETTT EBOLAAAA. Love The Stones man. Killed that song. KIDDING. I know Depeche Mode sang that. So yeah, find some guys who can drill for oil. Teach them to be astronauts. Obviously this is easier than teaching an astronaut how to drill. (Apparently Ben Affleck actually brought this point up but was told to shut his mouth. Saw that on the Internet somewhere.) So yeah, once they master the art of Astronautology, send them into space to land on the Ebola and blow it up. Then marry Liv Tyler while a picture of everyone that died up there watches you, because that's totally not creepy and awkward. See link:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LCPZWkzMYEc

So there ya go! The choice for me, Ebola free. Stay classy San Diego. Gonna take a nap now. Smooches.

If I Went On Shark Tank

We've all seen Shark Tank. We all love Shark Tank. Smart people with great ideas go on there and you think "Why didn't I think of that?!" Then a woman goes on there and talks about how she invented gloves for her cats and she calls them "Cittens" because it's a mix of "cat" and "mittens" and doesn't realize that it's confusing that it just looks like she misspelled "kittens" which is already a complete word for cats by itself. Then they ask how much she's made already, she says nothing, her husband says he's $2 million in the hole and they say he's dumb, the wife cries, and we all collectively shake our heads. Like this. SMH. Now if I went on there, things would be different.

I waltz in and I'm all like "Hello. My name is Dean Purificato." Calm. Still. Cool. I scan the room and THANK GOD Barbara is there instead of Lori because MY GOODNESS Lori is so mean! Just ripping people to shreds and I'm all

QVC seemed like such a happy place until I got to know her. Now it makes me nervous. 

So now I unveil my product: the ZOOMBA. It's like a Roomba, but FASTER. "Dean...Zumba is a thing already and you already made fun of the "Cittens lady..." Guys, just stop. ZOOMBA is taking over so you can get on board or step aside.

So Herjavec asks me how much I want and I say "You seem nice Robert. We can be friends, but no one comes on this show to work with you. I'm OUT." Barbara asks me to be her boyfriend. I politely decline. Daymond is laughing at my idea already so before he can say anything I say "Oh FUBU? The brand we totally forgot about until you came on here and reminded us you started it? OUT." Mr. Wonderful offers me $10 million for 5% because he's smart. Cuban counters with $15 million for 5%. I say I need a minute, step out into the hallway, and call my family at home on my ZOOMBA. Oh yeah, ZOOMBA is also a smart phone. TAKE THAT HATERS. So I tell my family I'm rich, they're all so happy for me and my parents tell me I'm finally the second favorite sibling and hang up on me. Gosh. Sweet, sweet victory. Love this show. Love my new ZOOMBA life. 

Thank you, Shark Tank. In conclusion, here's a cat in a shark costume riding a Roomba and chasing a baby duck.

Why Your "Real Man" Quotes are Kind of Dumb

I'm back! Back in action. KAPOW. Like an old cartoon you enjoyed as a kid, remade into a big-budget Michael Bay film, sans explosions, or for our Spanish readers, "sans explosions," because I don't speak Spanish. Let's kick it.

We all know some basic girl who is constantly drowning your newsfeed with pictures of a good looking dude holding a good looking girl with a quote giving you advice on how to be a "real man," advice you totally didn't ask for. Why is she doing this? Because her ex was a scumbag, she's not over him, and she's being passive aggressive. So there's that. Then 1,000 other basic white girls put down their PSLs and lace up their Ugg boots...or...puff their puff balls on their Ugg boots...whatever weird accessory they have, idk. ANYWAY. They all just share and like each other's pictures and are all "omg this is so true. I wish SOMEBODY would read this" or "<3 this" (which I choose to read as "Less than three this" because math jokes are funny.

 

So yeah, that's annoying. You know who's NOT diving into the bowels of the Internet to find your Pinterest board because he wants a picture of lilacs to tell him how to be a better guy? YOUR SCUMBAG EX BOYFRIEND. Obviously. So you all get a zero in Marketing 101 for being awful at appealing to your target demographic. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Goose Egg, or literally this goose's egg.

Goose's? Gooses? Geesen? Whatever. I'll take it from him and give it to you.

In short, your quotes are dumb and they don't work. Want a guy to be a real man? Maybe don't just sit there being his awesome girlfriend that bends over backwards for him while he treats you like hot garbage. Maybe say "Hey you're not nice. This is over k thx bye." Maybe that will be more effective. Maybe. Just maybe. 

Love you all. It's good to be back. Pumpkin Guinea Pig.