What My Job Is Like: Useless Statistics

As a 25 year old who has recently gone back to college, I've also been reintroduced to the world of "the mindless minimum wage job". I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop so my job consists of the following: 

1) Telling people how much their yogurt costs 

2) Eating frozen yogurt

3) Taking their money

4) Eating frozen yogurt

5) Flashing a smile and saying something charming/witty in hopes of a tip

6) Eating frozen yogurt

7) Occasionally wiping down a table or emptying a trash bag

8) Eat. The. Yog.

Fun times all around. But not really. It gets boring QUICK. I decided last night to bring my people watching skills to a new level and keep a tally of 4 different types of people who enter our store: Cute Babies, Ugly Babies, My Future Wife/Wives, and kids I want to punch in the face. The fifth category of "Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt" was added specifically for one customer who came in and deserved some notice. Here's a breakdown of the results.

CUTE BABIES

Last night I saw 10 cute babies. That's so many cute babies! Cute babies are awesome, especially happy babies, like this one.

"I get fed and poop my pants! My life is awesome!"

Cute babies make me want to make a baby because I think I would make cute babies. This isn't about sex either. The natural way would make me wait 9 months, and I'm not feeling that. I'd rather find a Cute Baby vending machine, put in my $1.75 (yes, that's the going rate for a baby), press C7 and BOOOOOOMSHAKALAKA I gots me a little baby child!

UGLY BABIES

Last night I saw 2 ugly babies. Like, really ugly. One looked like a demon with an egg head and the other was  a red head who constantly had the "I smell poop" face. I looked that ginger baby right in the eyes while I wrote a tally under the "Ugly Baby" category. I think he knew what I was doing too.

"I have no soul."

FUTURE WIFE

Yes, I was willing to put down multiple tallies in this category if it came to it. If you know me at all, or if you've  ever read this blog before, you know I'm very dramatic and I exaggerate constantly. A beautiful girl walks by and I don't say "She's cute." Instead, I say something like "OH MY GOSH I'M IN LOVE AND I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER." That's why this category exists. Sadly, no one who came in was qualified for this title. So disappointing. In case you're wondering, my ideal future wife is some mix between Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood. "Dean, they're complete opposites." Yeah, I don't care. I want it.

#yesplease

I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR KID
We only had one of these. Pretty self-explanatory. If your child is screaming in public because they want more gummy worms, they deserve a solid right hook to the face plate from an adult, preferably me. Or maybe you're an awful parent who doesn't care about your evil demon spawn so YOU deserve the punch?! Yeah, probably.

Oh, I'll hit ya. I'll do it! LET'S DANCE JUNIOR!!!

Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt
So. Freakin. Scary. She had maybe 2 teeth. Maybe. Probably in her 60's or a very weathered 50's. She was so loud and I could barely understand what she was saying (probably due to the lack of teefs). Her shirt said something like "Her scent is like a drug" or something else super lame and Twilighty. She was worth mentioning. I'm pretty sure my face looked like this the whole time I dealt with her:

That pretty much sums up the inner torment torment brought on me by this horrific woman. Terrible.





In conclusion, my job isn't very exciting, but in just one night I learned the following:

1) 1 out of 6 babies are ugly, which really isn't so bad
2) Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood are probably coordinating their schedules right now to come see me
3) Twilight fans are scary when they're young and wayyyy scarier when they're old

I'm just here to educate the world and show you all the quality life you could be having if you were me. Yeah, totally bro. Here's a creepy cat, courtesy of my friend Bre.

"No I'm not hiding anything behind this wall...."

The Single Man's Guide To Not Being a Creeper

This picture might be the funniest/scariest thing I've ever seen. But let's be real: no one likes a creeper. I don't claim to be an expert on THE LADIES but I do have a lot of girl friends (not to be confused with "girlfriends", of which I have none...in case you were wondering...ladies...) and a sister who LOVE sharing stories about the creepy guys they deal with. Don't want to be a subject of one of these conversations? Follow these tips.

1. Don't "like" all of her profile pictures.
It's weird. It's like saying "Hey I have no desire to have a conversation with you, but I'm lusting after your body from a distance." Not cute. Stop it.


2. Don't tell a girl she's "the one" unless she is.
If you're married, engaged, or almost engaged after a substantial adult relationship, go for it. It's cute, romantic, and if it's true I totally support it. If you've been dating a month, on your first date, never been on a date, or talking to a girl on Facebook chat that you randomly added because she's hot and you have 2 mutual friends, DON'T SAY IT. Her heart won't melt. It's creepy. You deserve every ounce of mace sprayed in your face, ya nutcase. (Totally freestyled there.)

3. One long, heartfelt text/message/voicemail  without a response is enough.
If you decide to spill your guts to your "dream girl" or try to ask her out via any of these forms of communication and she doesn't respond, STOP. Stop convincing yourself she's too busy to respond. Stop telling yourself she must not have gotten it. Stop pretending she didn't have her phone on her. She did. She got it broseph, and she's not interested. Move on.

4. Don't send random pics of yourself to a girl. 
Shirtless mirror pic or you flexing, she's not impressed. You're a tool. This is saying "I have no personality and nothing interesting to say but I'm a dumb guy and I think if you like my body you'll want to be with me." Guys, girls aren't as shallow as we are, and if a girl is, she's not girlfriend material.

5. Stop Bragging.
Stop bragging. Stop bragging. Stop bragging. STOP BRAGGING. No girl is sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to ride up to her house on his noble steed to tell her how much his car cost or how much he bench presses. You're an idiot. No one cares.

6. If she says she doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how flirty she is after. She meant it.
If you confess your love to a girl who shoots you down, and she flirts with you, kisses you, or whatever, it doesn't change anything. Females Males Human beings like attention. You can't blame them. If she cuddles with you during a scary movie after telling you she doesn't like you, SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If a girl changes her mind and feels like she made a mistake not giving you a chance, she'll tell you, I promise. (Sadly, this will probably happen after you've moved on and found someone else, but hey, we all want what we can't have.)



I could go on and on, but i feel like these are the most common "crimes" guys are guilty of. Just be yourself. Be funny, be nice, be genuinely caring and if she's interested, you'll know. There's a big difference between "being a man and taking initiative" and "trying to fit a square block in the round hole". This is the best advice I have to offer my fellow males, but if it doesn't work...just show them this.

She still won't like you but HOLY CRAP that's funny!

All You Need to Know About Harry Potter

In approximately 48 hours, I watched the first 7 Harry Potter movies. At about 2.5 hours each, that means I spent 17.5 hours watching little baby wizard children romp around a fantasy world...at the age of 25. No shame. No regrets. I dove head first into the story of Harry Potter and learned everything I could just in time to see the most recent release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 this past weekend. It was amazing and if I were capable of tears (too manly), I would have come close to waterworks a few times during the final chapter of this epic story. But, now it's over, and I'm here to enlighten you guys on all you really need to know about the Harry Potter Saga without spoiling anything. This could be tough.

Harry Potter

Has a scar on his head because he was an invincible baby. Starts off as a wimpy nerd with hipster glasses, ends the series pretty much the same way but a little more brave and/or stupid.

Hermione Granger


Starts off as a cute little book worm, ends as an older, very hot bookworm. Hallelujah.

Ronald Weasley


Starts off as a whiny ginger, ends as a whiny ginger on steroids. Somehow, Hermione is his girl. Boggles my mind.

Albus Dumbledore


Headmaster of Hogwarts. Awesome beard. Pretty much the man. Also, I don't care what J.K. Rowling says, he's not gay!! I mean, her initials are J. K. She's clearly just kidding.

Severus Snape


Kinda like the bad guy of the good guys? Or good guy of the bad guys? Just watch the movies. All that really matters is that he looks like he just got off tour with My Chemical Romance. EMO.

Draco Malfoy


Starts off as a punk, ends as a dbag. You'll hate him the second you see his big dumb face. I'm actually punching his face on my laptop screen between each word I'm typing.

Voldemort


Bad guy, obviously. He has no nose. No nose. Nostrils, yes. Nose, not so much. Straight up noseless. People are afraid to even say his name, even though when they do, nothing really happens.

Cedric Diggory


In one movie. SPOILER ALERT. He dies. Goes on to play some sparkly fairy or something. #twilightsucks









These are the main characters of the movie. There are other crucial characters, but you'll just have to watch the movies to learn about them. I can't tell you everything! Now for a few key words and terms you'll want to know:



Hogwarts: School for magicians and witches


Muggles: Non-magic people


Mudblood: Pretty much the "N word". Means you're not a pure blooded magician. Don't say it to Hermione. Trust.

Death Eaters: Bad guys. Pretty sure they don't actually eat death because that really doesn't make any sense.

Dementors: They'll pretty much suck your soul out of your face

Alright, you are now informed enough to watch the Harry Potter movies and actually know what the heck is going on. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Now go watch the movies, and love them. If you don't love them, I hate you. "But Dean, you don't know me." I don't care. You suck. To everyone who loves Harry Potter, I like you . I like you alot, and to show how much I like you, here's a HARRY POTTER KITTY!!!

"What it dooooo my Mudbloods?!"
(He's allowed to say it. You're not.)