Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.

The Single Man's Guide To Not Being a Creeper

This picture might be the funniest/scariest thing I've ever seen. But let's be real: no one likes a creeper. I don't claim to be an expert on THE LADIES but I do have a lot of girl friends (not to be confused with "girlfriends", of which I have none...in case you were wondering...ladies...) and a sister who LOVE sharing stories about the creepy guys they deal with. Don't want to be a subject of one of these conversations? Follow these tips.

1. Don't "like" all of her profile pictures.
It's weird. It's like saying "Hey I have no desire to have a conversation with you, but I'm lusting after your body from a distance." Not cute. Stop it.


2. Don't tell a girl she's "the one" unless she is.
If you're married, engaged, or almost engaged after a substantial adult relationship, go for it. It's cute, romantic, and if it's true I totally support it. If you've been dating a month, on your first date, never been on a date, or talking to a girl on Facebook chat that you randomly added because she's hot and you have 2 mutual friends, DON'T SAY IT. Her heart won't melt. It's creepy. You deserve every ounce of mace sprayed in your face, ya nutcase. (Totally freestyled there.)

3. One long, heartfelt text/message/voicemail  without a response is enough.
If you decide to spill your guts to your "dream girl" or try to ask her out via any of these forms of communication and she doesn't respond, STOP. Stop convincing yourself she's too busy to respond. Stop telling yourself she must not have gotten it. Stop pretending she didn't have her phone on her. She did. She got it broseph, and she's not interested. Move on.

4. Don't send random pics of yourself to a girl. 
Shirtless mirror pic or you flexing, she's not impressed. You're a tool. This is saying "I have no personality and nothing interesting to say but I'm a dumb guy and I think if you like my body you'll want to be with me." Guys, girls aren't as shallow as we are, and if a girl is, she's not girlfriend material.

5. Stop Bragging.
Stop bragging. Stop bragging. Stop bragging. STOP BRAGGING. No girl is sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to ride up to her house on his noble steed to tell her how much his car cost or how much he bench presses. You're an idiot. No one cares.

6. If she says she doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how flirty she is after. She meant it.
If you confess your love to a girl who shoots you down, and she flirts with you, kisses you, or whatever, it doesn't change anything. Females Males Human beings like attention. You can't blame them. If she cuddles with you during a scary movie after telling you she doesn't like you, SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If a girl changes her mind and feels like she made a mistake not giving you a chance, she'll tell you, I promise. (Sadly, this will probably happen after you've moved on and found someone else, but hey, we all want what we can't have.)



I could go on and on, but i feel like these are the most common "crimes" guys are guilty of. Just be yourself. Be funny, be nice, be genuinely caring and if she's interested, you'll know. There's a big difference between "being a man and taking initiative" and "trying to fit a square block in the round hole". This is the best advice I have to offer my fellow males, but if it doesn't work...just show them this.

She still won't like you but HOLY CRAP that's funny!