I'm In Love...Again aka Canada Blog Part 2

Well, add one more to my list of "Girl's I'm In Love With For Stupid Reasons". Carly Rae Jepsen has stolen my heart. Why? Because she just released the CATCHIEST song I've ever heard in my life and she sounds ADORABLE singing it. Seriously, my legs turn to jello every time she sings the words "call me maybe." Like this:

Yes, my legs literally turn into a sealed box of sugar-free cherry jello. This song and her delivery are stinkin' adorable. It's also potentially the least masculine song ever written, but I really don't care. "Shame" isn't something I have a lot of, if I even have any. Here's the song.

As if the song isn't fruity enough, the music video really doesn't help. I think it took that guy a solid 90 seconds to finally get his shirt off. At least I know she likes guys with tattoos! #hopelessoptimist. But seriously, how catchy is this song?! Doesn't it make you want to get up and dance until you pass out and fall in love with a stranger and all that other fun Disney-esque stuff? It does for me. Shoot whattttttt. 

But here's the REAL issue. As I mentioned in my first blog ever, "Oh Canada", I've spent most of my life making fun of Canada for really no reason except that it's LIKE America, but NOT America. Then, I went to Toronto last year to play bass for Paul Davidson at Canadian Music Week and had the time of my life! (Check out his tunes here. I played bass on these tracks. NBD. *brushes dirt off shoulders*)  Canada was awesome. Then, I watched the Bieber movie. LOVED IT. Now, Canada is dropping this little fireball of a song on me and I just can't help but love the Great White North! Listen here, Canada, if you're trying to seduce me, it is working, and it's working REAL good. I'm about to buy an igloo and a polar bear and start a new life in Canadia! Seriously, it's tempting.

P.S. To everyone saying "How old is this girl Dean? YA PERV!", she's 26. BOOYAH right in front of your mom!!! #KevinHartQuote She's a year older than me. Eat it. Now...HIT ME WITH A POLAR BEAR!!

I didn't literally mean "eat it" silly bear.

Parenting Advice from Someone Who Has No Kids

Kids horrify me. Seriously if a kid is misbehaving for more than 7 seconds around me it makes me want to punt a puppy, and we all know how much I love puppies, so that's saying a lot.

Just like that. 

But here's the story that inspired this blog. I decided to go see my school's hockey team play tonight. Hockey is always a fun time and we bludgeoned this random team from Oklahoma 3-1. Sweet, sweet victory. BUT while I'm watching the game, I get distracted. My friends picked up on this kid picking his nose and ears for basically the whole hockey game, going to town on his own face holes. Kinda like this:

Yeah, it was kinda gross and obviously a little distracting, but was he harming anyone? Nope, just picking away like a champ. He was sitting next to his Dad and what does his Dad do? NOTHING. He just lets his kid do his thing. Why not, right? No one has ever died from eating boogies so he just lets his kid go for it. Well done, Fun Dad.

THEN later on I see this:

Two kids, completely closed in by hockey nets, rocking out SO HARD to the Friend's theme song. Just loving life and throwing their own little party. I only videotaped for a little bit because, let's be real, videotaping little kids in public is rarely a good look. After the video ends, the father of these kids walks over and makes them stop! What the heck!? Parents, how often do your kids VOLUNTARILY lock themselves in a cage and have the time of their lives? Rarely. Very rarely. Captain Buzz Killer McFunsucker-ton clearly didn't appreciate the golden opportunity to enjoy some hockey without wiping his son's runny nose and listen to him yell in his face about what he drew in school today. What a shame. Luckily, the child responded to getting kicked out by running out of the nets, sliding on his knees and strumming his inflatable boom stick like a guitar, Marty McFly style. Love this kid. If some amazing woman every tricks me into procreating with her, I hope my kid is just like him. Heck, I'll build him his own cage in our house with 12" woofers and a disco ball if he wants it!

In short, I feel like parents should let their kids live a little. Go ahead, pick your boogers, dance in your little hockey net fort. Just don't hurt yourself or, more importantly, the child of rich parents. They'll sue, and let's be honest, I don't have the time or money to win a court case about my kid making your kid eat a Wiffle bat. I lose that case 10 out of 10 times.

                                         I WHIP MY EARS BACK AND FORTH! 

Heck yeah puppy. Get some. You two tell all the parents you're not sorry for party rocking. Not even a little.

Some Valentine's Day Encouragement

It's ok crying girl. We all feel ya. 

Let's set the tone for this blog with a few quick translations:

"I hate Valentine's Day" = I want a boyfriend/girlfriend

"Another Valentine's Day alone..." = Keep me away from sharp objects and large quantities of prescription medication.

"Can't wait to spend the day with my love!" = HAHA YOU'RE LONELY AND I'M NOT :P

"Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday" = For some reason I think a greeting card company has the power to create national holidays.

You either love Valentine's Day because you're with someone you care about or you hate it because you're not. Orrrrrrrrrrr there are about 10% of us who really don't give a crap and are gonna make the most of it. I can celebrate love even if I'm not IN LOVE, so me and some close friends are gonna dress up and look awesome and have a fun night together instead of me taking my significant other out to dinner because she'll dump me if I don't. KAAAAAAABOOM.

I'm sure there are a few guys who will legitimately be sad that they aren't with someone, but this next part is mainly FOR THE SINGLE LADIES. This is why you should be happy on Valentine's day:

1. Being Single Means You Aren't With A Guy Who's a Big Jerk

Am I right or am I right?! If you feel lonely, think of the worst, most miserable couple you know of and be happy that you are NOT in that relationship. Yeahhhhh buddy.

2. Justin Bieber Loves You

You're welcome.

3. You Can Be MY Valentine!
Lucky you, right?! Due to the high demand on ME, we're gonna have to handle this all Glen Beck-style and allow me to have multiple Valentines (POUNDSIGNMORMONJOKE) but that doesn't mean you're any less special to me! For the low cost of $1/One Doll Hair, I will text you tomorrow and say "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful! I'm the luckiest guy alive :)". How freakin' cute is that?! What a BARGAIN.



Ok let's be real, if you really are depressed about Valentine's Day, none of the things I just said are gonna help, but maybe this will: Don't let another person's existence in your life determine your ability to be happy. Male or female, single or taken, you're an awesome person capable of awesome things in life, and God loves you and shows it more than any human Valentine ever could. (happy tears). So, with that being said, Happy Valentine's Day everyone, and celebrate love because it's awesomely awesome.

Also, kiss a stranger on the mouth. They'll get over it and you'll have a great story to tell. And make it look something like this:

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's a llama kissing a deer. Yup. Mhmm.

"I'm a model." Yeah, OK.

I'M NOT FOOLED. If everything people say on Facebook is accurate, 83% of the females I know are models. That sounds like a dream life and all, but let's be real: people are liars. Maybe "liars" is too harsh, but "people who exaggerate what they really do to make themselves look cooler" is pretty dead on. 

I can't go an hour without hearing a girl on Facebook try to convince me she's a model, and I'll be honest, it's exhausting. I can think of 3-4 girls I know personally who have actually done some legit modeling and have the right to say that, but the rest of you need to knock it off. 

Here are two definitions of a model according to Dictionary.com

4. a person or thing that serves as a subject for an artist,sculptor, writer, etc.

or

5. a person whose profession is posing for artists or photographers.

"I totally qualify for that first one!"- Girl with wishful thinking. 

Yes, at the time the shoot is taking place, you are a model for that photographer. But if the photographer turns around when he's done with you and takes a picture of an apple, that apple is a model too. That's right, for that small moment in time you are as much of a model as a piece of fruit. DOESN'T COUNT.

Show me a pay stub or receipt for money you made modeling for someone, show me published work you've done, or show me a legit resume, and you can talk about your modeling career all day. Otherwise, please stop. Please. PLEASE.

Sorry if you're offended...ok maybe I'm not. It's not my problem if you're offended that you ARE NOT a model. Most girls aren't, and that's fine. You can still be an awesome non-model, but nothing is less awesome than trying to convince people you're something you're not. But, it's time for me to wrap this up and get back to my career as a professional musician...HA! See what I did there? Irony is funny.

STRIKE A POSE YOU ADORABLE SEAL PUP!!!

5 Old Songs That Will Make You a Happy Person

Want to be as happy as that baby? OF COURSE YOU DO! Here's some fun old school jams that will instantly make you forget how much of a miserable fun sucker you are and actually let you enjoy life a little! Awesome sauce.

1.   Earth Wind and Fire  - Let's Groove

If this song doesn't make you dance, you have no soul. Just make sure you're alone when you're singing along to the high parts...or don't. WHATEVS.

2. Stevie Wonder  -Signed, Sealed, Delivered

By the end of this song you'll want to quit your job, fall in love, and frolic through a magical field of marshmallows and cotton candy. But you shouldn't. That's irresponsible and mildly extremely ridiculous.

3. Eric Clapton - Change the World

Not a dance song, but it sounds like Eric Clapton is literally singing your problems away. Sooooo smooth. Makes me want to set up a hammock right here in Starbucks and read an awesome book...which is weird...because I don't own a hammock...or books.

\\

4. Hall and Oates -You Make My Dreams Come True

If you've seen 500 Days of Summer (which I haven't because I'm too manly. Obviously.), then you've heard this song. It's as happy as the title sounds and the dance sequence in that movie is pretty hilarious, especially if you've seen the movie and get the context. Here it is, kiddies.

5. Doobie Brothers -Long Train Running (Without Love)

If you're not tapping your foot within 3 seconds of that guitar riff, our friendship is OVER.

There you have it folks. If you were having a rough day, I hope this helped. If you were having a great day, I hope it's even greater...er. Greaterer. Yeah, way more greaterer. HOKED ON FONIX WURKED FOUR MIII!!!!!!