Picture Quotes That Need To Stop

I've found that my little niche with this blog is relationships (well, singleness) and social media. Not sure how I feel about that, but let's be real, what else is there to talk about? Oh you're married? Keep up the good work. You don't have Facebook? Great! You don't need it. It's stupid (he said, preparing to share this blog all over social media.)

So, single people are really good at using social media to let the world know all about their singleness. It goes together like this blog and cute animals. You can't go a day without a single person posting a saying or sharing a picture quote about relationships (because clearly they're the experts) and if we're honest, most of it is SUPER ANNOYING. So I've compiled a list of the ones that make me want to pull my hair out. Or your hair out. I'm not posting them. Lose YOUR hair. Psh.

Ohhhhh my gosh shut up. Seriously? I'm over here trying to find out how many days after shaving I can have the perfect stubble length for a first date so some girl can eventually find me tolerable enough for Date 2, meanwhile you're over there hoping I can redeem AN ENTIRE GENDER and makeup for every jerk you've ever dated, guys who you probably knew you shouldn't date anyway. But no, it's my fault and I've got to be the savior of all bachelors. Yeah, seems fair. SEEMS SO FAIR.

Um, how about NO Johnny? First of all, you're most famous for being a drunk pirate. Have you ever even been in a rom com? Who made you the Love Guru? Second, this is dumb. You're with someone for years. You're brushing your teeth and they're on the toilet next to you because that's just where life has brought you two. Then some dude shows up and looks nice and says some funny things, you go hang out with your long term BF and he's in sweatpants, and you think you're "in love" with new guy. No. Wrong. You've been with someone for years, meanwhile there's a sea of single people that can't even make it to a third date. Love is the real, dirty, walls-down "this is me at my worst and you love me anyway" kind of love. Not "Oh he's new and cool GIMME." Take THAT Jack Sparrow, ya dunce.

This isn't specifically about relationships, but I bet it's why you're single! This, or anything else involving "haters." Like, who do you think you are that people just sit around watching you and hating on you? What are you doing that's so hate-worthy? "Ugh the way she drinks Starbucks and goes to work and spends time with friends and family I HATE HER SO MUCH!!" Doubt it. Maybe people hate you because you post quotes like this and think you're better than everybody? You think? Maybe?!?

Turns out I already dedicated an entire blog last year to this one. Check it out here. But seriously guys aren't reading these and learning. We know you want us to treat you like a princess, we just don't think you are one so we don't. Not that we can't, we just don't, until we find someone we want to. So be nice. 

LAMEEEEEEEE. What is this, eBay?!? Trying to auction yourself off to the highest bidder? "Oh wow I didn't know they'd be so cute. Guess I want to date them after all!" Oh my goodness stop looking so desperate. If someone says something like this to you in real life and they didn't memorize it off a picture, that's cute. Kiss them. Right on the lippys. But if you're just posting this to try to make everyyyyy person think you're a catch, you're super lame. Also, there should be a PERIOD after "smile" and "know" should start a new sentence. So lame. The lamest, really. You're also probably the person that was complaining about your ex yesterday. Where's that quote, huh? Don't worry I made it for you.

Yeah, share that one so I know it's real. Maybe get off your computer and go be nice to someone if you're such a catch, you little love troll!

Ok I'm done. I hope I only offended the people that already know they need to get their crap together. Love you mean it! Don't be mad. 

Why You Don't Have A Valentine

Wondering why "everyone" has a special someone today and you don't? I'd love to tell you! Buckle up your seat belts, kids. 

1. You're Probably Trying Too Hard

If you're constantly LOOKING for someone to date, then you're probably never going to FIND someone to date. Yeah. For real. If you meet people and are just trying to see if they could be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're not actually seeing them for who they are as a person. You're just seeing them for what they can bring to your life, and that is super obvious and super annoying. Knock it off!

2. You're Probably Really Annoying

I have two, semi-subconscious lists in my head: "Girl's I'll Never Date" and "Girls I Haven't Decided I Wouldn't Date". If you're super annoying, especially about relationships and how "boys suck" and how you're "so lonely", you probably hold a strong spot on that first list. That crap is annoying. If you think retweeting Drake is going to make your ex change his/her mind and date you again, you are wrong, and kinda stupid. A Poem:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Holy crap you're annoying

I'm hiding you on Facebook

"Whatever! Who says I want to date you anyway??" -Random female reader that this part totally applies to.

3. You Have Standards

Maybe you actually like your life. Maybe you realize you're worth something, even if you're not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you have a life you love and passions you pursue. Maybe you realize God loves you and has an awesome plan for your life and can use you in HUGE ways, even if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you're willing to date someone when it's right, but realize you have a good life, single or taken, and are going to wait until you meet the person who challenges you and brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. 

If that's you, you win.

If you're looking for a relationship for what you get, you lose. 

That's why no one getting married says that they're getting someone's life. No, they're giving theirs. That's what it's about. True Love is being willing to give up your own happiness for the other person, and until you're happy as a single person, you won't be able to do that. So...fix yo' self. 

                                                        VALENTINE HAMSTER!

Don't you kinda want to kiss his face a little? No? Yeah me neither. SMOOCH.

Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.

CHRISTMAS BLOG! FLUFFY PUPPIES!

(Sing the following lines to the tune of "Jingle Bells") 

CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG AND STUFFFFFF, BLAH BLAH BLAH AND CHRISTMAS STUFF AND CHRISTMAS BLOG AND YEAH!!!

Not the best song I've ever written, but I think it truly captures the raw emotion behind my childish love for Christmas. If you didn't sing along with it, you can just stop reading now because clearly you're not fun. Or nice. Or a good person.

The Christmas season is my favorite time of year. If you know me at all, you know I think Jesus is awesome, and this is His birthday, so yeah, I'm down to get down for Jesus. Besides that though, the Christmas season seems to bring out the best in everyone. No idea why, but no matter what you believe, what holiday you celebrate, or what your opinion on Jesus is, people really step up their game for the month of December. 

"But isn't it sad that people are only being kinder out of obligation?"

NOPE. Don't care. I'm no respecter of persons, but nice people are awesome, and mean, selfish people pretty much suck. Not a fan. My vote for president may have been based on who smiled more. Or was it? Or wasn't it?! WHO KNOWS, READER! All I'm saying is, kindness breeds kindness, and there's a whole lot of kindness breeding going on this time of year. I imagine when kindness breeds with more kindness, the offspring looks something like this:

or this

So clearly: 

-December is when people are kind 

-Kindness breeds fluffy puppies

-God shaves the fluffy puppies and lets their fluff rain down from heaven

-And that, children, is where we get snow. 

Obviously the puppies are magical so once they're shaved they're immediately fluffy again, but I'm assuming you knew that.

I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I'm caught in some weird, happy puppy euphoria, but the point I'm trying to make is that kindness goes a long way. If everyone was more kind regardless of what they were getting in return, the world would be a lot less crappy than what we're currently living in. My challenge for you this Christmas season is to love people, regardless of whether they love you back or not. Heck, maybe even keep it up after Christmas is over? Maybe? No pressure, but you should. Regardless of your stance on the Bible, the message of "love your neighbor as yourself" is a pretty good one, so let's all give it a shot.

Now crank up your favorite Christmas album, put on your happy face, and get out there and love some people!

That sounded weird, but you know what I meant. Merry Christmas everyone! MORE FLUFFY PUPPIES!

AHH!

GIMME!

SO FLUFFY!

Ok I'm done...

one more...

CHRISTMAS FLUFFIES!

I'm In Love...Again aka Canada Blog Part 2

Well, add one more to my list of "Girl's I'm In Love With For Stupid Reasons". Carly Rae Jepsen has stolen my heart. Why? Because she just released the CATCHIEST song I've ever heard in my life and she sounds ADORABLE singing it. Seriously, my legs turn to jello every time she sings the words "call me maybe." Like this:

Yes, my legs literally turn into a sealed box of sugar-free cherry jello. This song and her delivery are stinkin' adorable. It's also potentially the least masculine song ever written, but I really don't care. "Shame" isn't something I have a lot of, if I even have any. Here's the song.

As if the song isn't fruity enough, the music video really doesn't help. I think it took that guy a solid 90 seconds to finally get his shirt off. At least I know she likes guys with tattoos! #hopelessoptimist. But seriously, how catchy is this song?! Doesn't it make you want to get up and dance until you pass out and fall in love with a stranger and all that other fun Disney-esque stuff? It does for me. Shoot whattttttt. 

But here's the REAL issue. As I mentioned in my first blog ever, "Oh Canada", I've spent most of my life making fun of Canada for really no reason except that it's LIKE America, but NOT America. Then, I went to Toronto last year to play bass for Paul Davidson at Canadian Music Week and had the time of my life! (Check out his tunes here. I played bass on these tracks. NBD. *brushes dirt off shoulders*)  Canada was awesome. Then, I watched the Bieber movie. LOVED IT. Now, Canada is dropping this little fireball of a song on me and I just can't help but love the Great White North! Listen here, Canada, if you're trying to seduce me, it is working, and it's working REAL good. I'm about to buy an igloo and a polar bear and start a new life in Canadia! Seriously, it's tempting.

P.S. To everyone saying "How old is this girl Dean? YA PERV!", she's 26. BOOYAH right in front of your mom!!! #KevinHartQuote She's a year older than me. Eat it. Now...HIT ME WITH A POLAR BEAR!!

I didn't literally mean "eat it" silly bear.

Some Valentine's Day Encouragement

It's ok crying girl. We all feel ya. 

Let's set the tone for this blog with a few quick translations:

"I hate Valentine's Day" = I want a boyfriend/girlfriend

"Another Valentine's Day alone..." = Keep me away from sharp objects and large quantities of prescription medication.

"Can't wait to spend the day with my love!" = HAHA YOU'RE LONELY AND I'M NOT :P

"Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday" = For some reason I think a greeting card company has the power to create national holidays.

You either love Valentine's Day because you're with someone you care about or you hate it because you're not. Orrrrrrrrrrr there are about 10% of us who really don't give a crap and are gonna make the most of it. I can celebrate love even if I'm not IN LOVE, so me and some close friends are gonna dress up and look awesome and have a fun night together instead of me taking my significant other out to dinner because she'll dump me if I don't. KAAAAAAABOOM.

I'm sure there are a few guys who will legitimately be sad that they aren't with someone, but this next part is mainly FOR THE SINGLE LADIES. This is why you should be happy on Valentine's day:

1. Being Single Means You Aren't With A Guy Who's a Big Jerk

Am I right or am I right?! If you feel lonely, think of the worst, most miserable couple you know of and be happy that you are NOT in that relationship. Yeahhhhh buddy.

2. Justin Bieber Loves You

You're welcome.

3. You Can Be MY Valentine!
Lucky you, right?! Due to the high demand on ME, we're gonna have to handle this all Glen Beck-style and allow me to have multiple Valentines (POUNDSIGNMORMONJOKE) but that doesn't mean you're any less special to me! For the low cost of $1/One Doll Hair, I will text you tomorrow and say "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful! I'm the luckiest guy alive :)". How freakin' cute is that?! What a BARGAIN.



Ok let's be real, if you really are depressed about Valentine's Day, none of the things I just said are gonna help, but maybe this will: Don't let another person's existence in your life determine your ability to be happy. Male or female, single or taken, you're an awesome person capable of awesome things in life, and God loves you and shows it more than any human Valentine ever could. (happy tears). So, with that being said, Happy Valentine's Day everyone, and celebrate love because it's awesomely awesome.

Also, kiss a stranger on the mouth. They'll get over it and you'll have a great story to tell. And make it look something like this:

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's a llama kissing a deer. Yup. Mhmm.

I Hate Crazy Christians

I rarely write a serious blog, let alone a blog about something that upsets me. There aren't many things in this world that bother me enough to cause me to react. Usually I just accept what happened and Google pictures of cute animals and go on living my life in blissful ignorance and pretending bad things don't happen. BUT, there is one thing I take seriously enough to defend at all costs, and that's my faith in Jesus.

For some reason there are modern Christians who have forgotten that they, too, aren't perfect and struggle with their own sins. How they ignore that, I have no idea, but they do. Not only do they ignore their own faults, but they use this self-righteous entitlement to attack everyone who doesn't agree with their points. Sadly I've thought many times that I wish there was a different term to use about my faith besides "Christian" because these psychopaths have ruined what that name means. "Christian" literally means "Christ like", and these people couldn't be farther from that.

While Jesus was on earth, there were homosexuals and people having abortions, but Jesus didn't waste His limited time here trying to protest those acts. He spent his time here LOVING PEOPLE and teaching His followers how to love. The point of the "Prodigal Son" parable was to lay aside your hate and stereotypes for people and love them sacrificially. When people asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, He  said  “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’" -Matthew 22:37-39. I don't know how people look over this, but Jesus came here to SAVE people and show them how much better life is following Him. He didn't come here trying to "battle" sinners, He came to show them an unconditional love unlike anything they've ever seen.

Let's be clear, the Bible NEVER says that God hates gay people. (The Bible actually says "God hates divorce", and the divorce rate is higher in the church than outside of it, but again people would rather ignore that because it's more fun to cast judgment then actually try to fix ourselves.) Yes, the Bible does condemn the act of homosexuality, but it also condemns lying, cheating, lusting, and a ton of other sins that I do far more than I should. God also doesn't hate you if you have an abortion. He would not stand on the side of the road with pictures of aborted fetuses trying to prevent you from having an abortion. He would invite you to His house, love you like you've never been loved before, care for you like you've never been cared for, and as you became closer to Him, his power and presence in your life would start to change your bad habits, not stupid signs, posters, and commercials.

Let me be clear to any Christians who think I'm being some kind of universalist and saying everyone's ok. I am not. In fact, I'm saying the opposite. No one is ok. We all suck. Bad. I sin every day and I claim to follow God, so how on earth can I judge people who don't claim to follow Him? It boggles my mind. I don't get how people can do it.

For the record, I am a Christian (again, for lack of a better term) and I love Jesus with all my heart. My faith in Him is the number one priority in my life. I'm trying every day to better myself as a man and as a Christian and with that comes changing my environment, my habits, and where I spend my time. But with that being said, I'm humbled daily by how far from perfection I am, and the closer I get to God, the more I realize how far from Him I really am.

I don't care where you're at in your faith, what bad habits you have, or what sins you struggle with, I promise to be here to love you and support you and be there for you as a fellow person struggling with his spiritual journey. I refuse to judge people who do things that I struggled with not long ago because I know what it's like to be there and I understand why people do what they do. I want to be the man who showed Christ-like love to people that other "Christians" wanted nothing to do with.

Love is louder than hate will ever be, I promise you that.

Answering the question "Why didn't he/she text me back?"

Ohhhhhhh how I love texting. Between texting, Facebook, and Twitter, my phone is pretty much on me at all times and my phone battery rarely lasts the full day. It's basically like crack. But worse.

I'm probably more attached to my phone than most people, but let's be honest our phones are ALWAYS on and ALWAYS on us. When you lose your phone, your stomach is in knots until you get it. We are dependent on our connection to the outside world. We all know this.

I've talked to alot of girls lately who tell the same story: "We're kinda talking/dating/seeing each other, we talk all the time, but i haven't heard from him all day/night and i called/texted 1/2/6/19/393650367 times and he never responded. What does that mean?"

It can mean a few things:

1) You're talking to/dating/seeing a bro 

We call these guys "bros". Their life consists of getting chicks, cheap beer, and popping their polos and trying to pretend they aren't gay. (That last fact was harsh and probably not true, and I thought about deleting it but instead I'm writing this pseudo-apology for my harshness). If this is the guy you've chosen to date and you wonder why he doesn't treat you like Noah from the Notebook, you've brought this on yourself and I don't feel bad for you. Why won't he text you back? HE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU. HE JUST WANTS TO BE A BRO.


2) He's just not that into you

Yes, I've seen this movie. No, I'm not gay. Yes, everything they say is true. If he/she doesn't want to call you their boyfriend/girlfriend, they probably just don't like you. If they don't respond to your calls or texts, or only do so on their terms, they probably just don't like you. Think of when YOU like someone. You get excited when they call/text and you're never too busy to talk to them or see them. A text takes all of 20 seconds to send. Unless you're this lady.

If a guy likes you, he wants to make sure he doesn't ruin things with you, and if that's the case, he will text you. If not. Move on. Why won't he text you back? HE DON'T LIKE YA!


3) His phone died/He is legitimately busy/He's dead/He lost his hands or fingers
Sometimes, you really can't. Jobs have rules against them. You're doing manual labor that requires both hands. You're at a wedding/funeral. If this is truly the case, he probably warned you about this time block of non-texting and he'll probably text you as soon as he's free, but if this is the case, you're probably not asking your friends why he's not texting you. Why won't he text me back? HE'S ACTUALLY BUSY.

We make more excuses for people we're emotionally attached to than we would for anyone else in our life. Think of how you treat someone when you legitimately like them and want to be with them, and if the way their acting isn't the same or similar, you're probably not on the same page and it's time to move on or have a D.T.R. (Define The Relationship) conversation. When you think about your romantic situation, you should feel like this.

Not like this

Not to get all sappy, but when it's real and it's mutual, you don't doubt it, and you never have to ask the question "Why didn't they text me back?". In conclusion, here's a pic I found when I googled "puppy love". It has nothing to do with this blog but I felt like it would be wrong not to share it.

What. The. Heck.

Mandy Moore...why don't you love me :(

Yup, there she is in all her stunning glory. Not only is she beyond adorable, but she has the voice OF AN ANGEL. I always thought she was cute, and her songs were catchy, but one fateful day a female friend "forced" me to watch A Walk To Remember. That night, we fell in love. Not me and the female friend, me and Mandy Moore. Ok maybe just me, but if Mandy was there she would have felt it too.



"CANNNN YOU FEEEEL THE LOVEEEE TONIGHT"-Elton

"Oh Dean I love you so much."-Mandy
"And I Love you too Nala...I mean Mandy"-Me


Some of you are thinking "Dean, you're being ridiculous. She doesn't even know you exist and even if she did, she wouldn't love you.", and although I might say i agree with you, if were being 100% honest, there is a small part of me that thinks IF we had met and IF she gave me a chance, I could possibly make something happen. Yeah, for real.

Sounds ridiculous, but I think we all do that. You look at your favorite celebrity and because their publicist has done an excellent job making the celebrity appear to us the way they want them to look, we fall for them. We think "that person is what I need, therefore I'm probably what they need too". You know, kinda like "if A=B, then B=A". Makes sense.

I think what it comes down to is we all spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we "deserve" in a significant other and we live our life with our checklist seeing how people compare to our "ideal girl/guy". Maybe we'd all be better living life becoming the best person we're capable of being instead of looking for the" best" girl/guy we can find. Heck, maybe when we're with someone we should be trying to be what THEY deserve instead of wondering if they deserve you. I mean, they're a child of God just like you, so who are we to decide who "deserves" us.

                                       "AW SNAP DAWG YOU JUST GOT SERVED!!!!"


This is not me being judgmental, this is me realizing all of this for my own life and passing on some insight. So yeah, I just got served too. By myself. Not sure how B2K would feel about that, but hey, it happened. Let's just be more humble and stop thinking we're so awesome and instead accept that we're flawed humans who should just love each other unconditionally like Jesus did, whether romantically or not.