Picture Quotes That Need To Stop

I've found that my little niche with this blog is relationships (well, singleness) and social media. Not sure how I feel about that, but let's be real, what else is there to talk about? Oh you're married? Keep up the good work. You don't have Facebook? Great! You don't need it. It's stupid (he said, preparing to share this blog all over social media.)

So, single people are really good at using social media to let the world know all about their singleness. It goes together like this blog and cute animals. You can't go a day without a single person posting a saying or sharing a picture quote about relationships (because clearly they're the experts) and if we're honest, most of it is SUPER ANNOYING. So I've compiled a list of the ones that make me want to pull my hair out. Or your hair out. I'm not posting them. Lose YOUR hair. Psh.

Ohhhhh my gosh shut up. Seriously? I'm over here trying to find out how many days after shaving I can have the perfect stubble length for a first date so some girl can eventually find me tolerable enough for Date 2, meanwhile you're over there hoping I can redeem AN ENTIRE GENDER and makeup for every jerk you've ever dated, guys who you probably knew you shouldn't date anyway. But no, it's my fault and I've got to be the savior of all bachelors. Yeah, seems fair. SEEMS SO FAIR.

Um, how about NO Johnny? First of all, you're most famous for being a drunk pirate. Have you ever even been in a rom com? Who made you the Love Guru? Second, this is dumb. You're with someone for years. You're brushing your teeth and they're on the toilet next to you because that's just where life has brought you two. Then some dude shows up and looks nice and says some funny things, you go hang out with your long term BF and he's in sweatpants, and you think you're "in love" with new guy. No. Wrong. You've been with someone for years, meanwhile there's a sea of single people that can't even make it to a third date. Love is the real, dirty, walls-down "this is me at my worst and you love me anyway" kind of love. Not "Oh he's new and cool GIMME." Take THAT Jack Sparrow, ya dunce.

This isn't specifically about relationships, but I bet it's why you're single! This, or anything else involving "haters." Like, who do you think you are that people just sit around watching you and hating on you? What are you doing that's so hate-worthy? "Ugh the way she drinks Starbucks and goes to work and spends time with friends and family I HATE HER SO MUCH!!" Doubt it. Maybe people hate you because you post quotes like this and think you're better than everybody? You think? Maybe?!?

Turns out I already dedicated an entire blog last year to this one. Check it out here. But seriously guys aren't reading these and learning. We know you want us to treat you like a princess, we just don't think you are one so we don't. Not that we can't, we just don't, until we find someone we want to. So be nice. 

LAMEEEEEEEE. What is this, eBay?!? Trying to auction yourself off to the highest bidder? "Oh wow I didn't know they'd be so cute. Guess I want to date them after all!" Oh my goodness stop looking so desperate. If someone says something like this to you in real life and they didn't memorize it off a picture, that's cute. Kiss them. Right on the lippys. But if you're just posting this to try to make everyyyyy person think you're a catch, you're super lame. Also, there should be a PERIOD after "smile" and "know" should start a new sentence. So lame. The lamest, really. You're also probably the person that was complaining about your ex yesterday. Where's that quote, huh? Don't worry I made it for you.

Yeah, share that one so I know it's real. Maybe get off your computer and go be nice to someone if you're such a catch, you little love troll!

Ok I'm done. I hope I only offended the people that already know they need to get their crap together. Love you mean it! Don't be mad. 

Terrible Ways To Get a Significant Other Before the Holidays (That Might Work)

Well, you're still single. Thanksgiving is over so you already endured Round 1 of the "When are you going to settle down?" Olympic, but Round 2, the Christmas Round, this is where heroes are born and the weak crumble. This is where your singleness is truly tested. Your Mom's refrigerator is STOCKED with Christmas cards, full of newlyweds, young families, all the things she wants you to be that you're sooooo far from being. Your Facebook feed will be cranking out 3 to 17 engagements a day all up in your face, just reminding you where the bar is and how far you are below it. So now you're in a panic. Christmas is only about 2 weeks away. Time to make moves. So, I give you...

TERRIBLE WAYS TO GET A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS 

(THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK)

1. Download ALL the dating apps

ALL. Not one. "Oh I already have Tinder." No. Shut up. Child's play. You need a designated folder on your phone full of Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel (yeah it's a thing), ALL OF THEM. "Should I even have to pay for eHarmony and Match.com?" I don't know, are you reading this for fun or because YOU WANT RESULTS. "FarmersOnly?" Farmers haven't seen another human that's not related to them since Ma and Pa sent them to the market to buy milk from Ol' Mr. Withers. Get yourself a flannel and get the heck on there. You're gonna look like a hard 10 when to the rest of us know you're like a 6, maybe a 7 tops when you make an effort.

2. Make sure you don't make anyone feel special

Ok maybe you're out there already and you have some potential applicants around you. How do you seal the deal? Make sure they think you don't like them, OBVIOUSLY. There was a time you could grow a beard, build a girl a house, write her a letter every day, and she'd be all like "Aw kisses." NOT TODAY. Now it's "Too much" or "creepy" or "You need a zoning permit." The game has changed. Tables are turned. You want a girl to want you? Make her think you don't want her! Take a picture with another girl and post it as your #WCW (woman crush wednesday) and watch the texts FLOOD in. You want that guy to text you? Save a photo from any guy's Facebook page and post him as your #MCM (man crush monday) and I bet he hits you up with a "Hey sorry been so busy and I have arthritis so I couldn't take 5 seconds to text back." You know, that bologna. (Please read that as buh-LOG-nuh.) People don't want love, they want a challenge because their life is boring, and that my friend, is where YOU come in.

3. Um... Become more attractive?

I'm going to level with you, you've got two weeks. Not easy. Options are limited. Read some articles on GQ, hit the gym, start being a happy person that loves life, whatever you can muster. "Dean this isn't helping me be more attractive." LISTEN if there was a sure-fire way to be more attractive I would have done it by now and dating someone great and probably at a winery talking about the future instead of writing this stupid INCREDIBLY HELPFUL blog. Just like, be hot. Get your babe on. Go do it. Just, go on. Dobby is free now. 

4. Don't make Harry Potter References. You're a 29 year old man. Have some respect for yourself and be an adult. 

See above.

Well, if that didn't help you, I don't know what will. Maybe you're destined for another holiday season where you have to tell your family about all the things you accomplished, trips you took, passions you pursued, you know, all that crap no one cares about because you're single and not married. No one wants you to be happy and successful! They want you to be THEIR KIND OF HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. So put these things into practice and do what society tells you and get married ASAP. Then when you're married and have kids and own a home and you ask them "What's next?" and they say "Just die there's nothing else", you can smile with the satisfaction that you used your short time on this earth to make everyone think you did what you're supposed to. 

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Sorry that was me wiping off all the SARCASM THAT DRIPPED ONTO MY KEYBOARD.

Hey, you're single. Do what you want while you can. Live your life. You'll be fine. But save this blog for when you want to change that because it's going to turtley work. Turtley.