Pizza and Why Dating Is (and Isn't) Hopeless.

HEEEYYYYYY first blog of 2015! My blogs may not be regularly posted or scheduled, but at least they're stupid and useless. HASHTAG OPTIMISM.

I enjoy talking about dating, being single, the effects that has on our social media, etc., so why not stick to what I know (or don't really know), ya know? Apparently everyone my age is single. EV. RY. ONE. My social media is flooded with Pinterest quotes about what guys should know about women and how much we suck. I get it. If anyone knows singleness, it's this guy right here. 29 years old and all my shortest relationships were my most recent ones. Apparently 18 year old Dean was better at relationships than 29 year old Dean. That's right, THIS guy. (Sorry Tom for dragging you into this.)

Yeah, I don't get it either. But facts are facts, so now you know.

So now I'm on this long stretch of not being in a relationship, the family is concerned, Mom is trying to hook me up with every girl within 5 years of my age that breathes, my sister threatened if I didn't cash in on a Match.com Groupon she would make a profile for me, and I'm pretty sure my Grandmother thinks I'm gay. (She was super nice about it when she implied it so that was nice of her.)

All that is to say, I'm probably the only person NOT concerned about my love life. I've been down to hang out with girls, had some fun nights out that were good but there wasn't really that "spark" I'm looking for, met some really great people that I liked, just didn't LIKE. Not the best results, but not the worst!

Ladies on the other hand have to date guys, and we can be terrible. This is going to start like I'm making excuses for guys, but I'm not. Follow me here. If a girl isn't interested in a guy, she's out. Boom. Simple. We males on the other hand, I think we like a consolation prize. Like "Hey, she's not the one, but she's cool and cute so she can be the one for now." So after the date they're still down to cuddle, flirt, maybe even...

...get what I'm saying? So girls think "all guys want is one thing..." and they're right... it's pizza. But it's not that guys only want pizza, we also love that long-term girl who can provide so much more than pizza, but it's much easier to commit to a pizza for however long the pizza lasts than to sign up for that "THIS COULD BE FOREVER" situation.

I'M USING PIZZA AS AN ANALOGY FOR CASUAL OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS.

Guys don't only want one thing. Every guy will meet a girl and think "OH MAN THIS IS REAL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THESE ARE FEELINGS AND I'M FEELING THEM." Then we freak out and start word-vomiting everything we think a long-term girl deserves to know like "I LIKE YOU AND THIS COULD BE FOREVER AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE A GOOD FATHER AND I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE YET BUT FOR YOU I COULD AND I HAVE BAGGAGE AND GOD IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME AND THAT'S PROBABLY WEIRD AHHHH!" Basically like this:

So now instead of the guy that doesn't talk to you enough, doesn't take things seriously enough, etc., you're dealing with this babbling, emotional nut job and you're all like:

And then you run away and we're all like:

We're boys. We're dumb. The middle-ground has never been our strength. But I'm just saying when a guy thinks it's real, he'll treat it like it's real. If he doesn't, well, run. Immediately. Easier said than done though. There's always THIS battle:

So dating is annoying and complicated and we all hate it, and it feels hopeless, right? Well it's not. Here's why.

Yes, you keep meeting the "wrong" person. AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. That's why the RIGHT one, who is totally out there looking for you, too, is the right person. Not perfect, not flawless, but RIGHT, and not right for everyone, but right for you! That's the point! If every other guy/girl could be the one you're with forever, then that's not very special, is it? There's a lot of people in this world. Most of them you shouldn't be with, and that's fine. Just remember how much this "dating" phase sucks when you do find that one.

Fast forward to years into marriage. Life changes, you know every flaw this person has. You're with eachother day in and day out and they can annoy you like no one else on earth can. But you know what? In a time where you wouldn't even give most people a second date, this person got a third, a fourth, a fifth date. Then you decided to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you wanted your friends and family to meet them. Then they proposed and you said YES. That's crazy! You got to the point where they offered you FOREVER, a terrifying thought in the past, and you actually said yes! So maybe all these failed dating experiences, all the guys that sucked, the girls that think "some other girl will be really lucky to have you", they're all there to show you just how special the RIGHT one is. They'll be there the rest of your life to remind you that yes, your spouse isn't perfect, and no one is, but compared to everyone else, they sure were close, miles ahead of the curve, and that's why you actually said yes. Turns out all those people you didn't love or didn't love you back make real, true, selfless love so incredibly amazing. So keep your head up. This is part of it, and if you keep the right attitude, the story could end exactly how you want it to.

Maybe Grandma is on to something. This was too sappy. I'm still super single so if all this is wrong, don't get mad at me. I'm trying!! And now I want pizza. NO NOT THAT PIZZA REALLY A REAL ACTUAL PIZZA.

Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.