Girls and Football

For most of my life I've asked myself the age-old question: Do I want to date a girl that's into sports or not? Right? That question is totally age-old. Old as all the ages. I'm sure my parents spent many hours during their pre-marriage counseling wondering the same thing. How much will organized sports affect this eternal love?!

Well, if you don't know, I'm a Boston/New England sports fan living in Connecticut. Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, heck I even watch the New England Revolution soccer team (the 2 times a year they televise a game #angryemojiface.) Living in CT, you're on the front lines of the infamous Boston/New York battlefield. It's kinda the worst. So when you meet a girl here, you have a 50% chance that she hates your teams, if she cares at all. A 50% chance that when you say you like the Red Sox, she goes "EW OMG GROSS JETER IS BAE" because she doesn't know he retired (burn) and they post something like this on opening day.

I made that myself. You should be impressed. But anyway, now it's so much worse being a Patriots fan! Whether they care about sports or not, you mention Tom Brady WHO I LOVE SO MUCH and they're like "EW DIDN'T HE CHEAT OR SOMETHING" and I literally CAN'T EVEN. Like LITERALLY I will slap that pumpkin spice latte right onto your UGGs (WHO SPONSORS TOM BTW.)

Dashing. Just a stunning, handsome man. Wait, where was I? Oh right. LEAVE TOM OUT OF THIS.  You don't know he cheated. The NFL doesn't even know he cheated. Just stop, please. Say what you want about me, but leave my quarterback out of this!!!

 You probably don't even know what this meme is from!! Anyway, so these conversations have gotten old. Fast. Can I deal with a lifetime of Boston hate from the girl I'm with forever? I thought I could, but maybe I can't. But on the flip side, do I want a girl who also likes my teams? Do I actually want a girl that's going to be upset that the Red Sox pitching is SO BAD this year? Do I want a girl that's going to yell at the TV when Tukka Rask let's a stupid shot right at his chest trickle into the goal right after he basically did a headstand to stop a rocket to the net? UGH typical Rask. But I don't know that I want that either!

In truth, I don't think I want a girl that's just like me, but a girl that likes that I like what I like, and vice versa. Make sense? Like, I'm over there liking what I like and she's all like "I like that."

 I'm a pretty big personality (aka kind of annoying), so if I date someone that acts like I act and likes everything I like, the world might LITERALLY explode. Too much. Can't handle it. So I think I've found the perfect girl:

GIRL WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SPORTS BUT LIKES GOING TO GAMES BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND SHE HAS A REASON TO WEAR ONE OF MY JERSEYS OR SOMETHING.

She'll watch a game with you when she has nothing better to do, but doesn't mind if you go and watch it with the guys. When your team suffers a crushing loss (like the Bruins losing the Cup to the Blackhawks on that STUPID last minute goal), she'll have the emotional stability to tell me everything will be ok and play with my hair and tell me I'm pretty. She'll be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, and she'll even be into things that I never have been into, but I like them because they make her happy. And isn't that what it's all about? Doesn't everyone want that person that cares about them so much that they want you to enjoy the things that make you happy? I think that's it. AWWWWSOCUTE. So, to all you genuine sports-loving ladies, sports haters, and sports non-carers, keep it up. Do your thing. In reality, it probably doesn't matter. But if it does, you'll figure it out. Also, I literally love everything about this picture. Everything. LITERALLY.

Why You Don't Have A Valentine

Wondering why "everyone" has a special someone today and you don't? I'd love to tell you! Buckle up your seat belts, kids. 

1. You're Probably Trying Too Hard

If you're constantly LOOKING for someone to date, then you're probably never going to FIND someone to date. Yeah. For real. If you meet people and are just trying to see if they could be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're not actually seeing them for who they are as a person. You're just seeing them for what they can bring to your life, and that is super obvious and super annoying. Knock it off!

2. You're Probably Really Annoying

I have two, semi-subconscious lists in my head: "Girl's I'll Never Date" and "Girls I Haven't Decided I Wouldn't Date". If you're super annoying, especially about relationships and how "boys suck" and how you're "so lonely", you probably hold a strong spot on that first list. That crap is annoying. If you think retweeting Drake is going to make your ex change his/her mind and date you again, you are wrong, and kinda stupid. A Poem:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Holy crap you're annoying

I'm hiding you on Facebook

"Whatever! Who says I want to date you anyway??" -Random female reader that this part totally applies to.

3. You Have Standards

Maybe you actually like your life. Maybe you realize you're worth something, even if you're not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you have a life you love and passions you pursue. Maybe you realize God loves you and has an awesome plan for your life and can use you in HUGE ways, even if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you're willing to date someone when it's right, but realize you have a good life, single or taken, and are going to wait until you meet the person who challenges you and brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. 

If that's you, you win.

If you're looking for a relationship for what you get, you lose. 

That's why no one getting married says that they're getting someone's life. No, they're giving theirs. That's what it's about. True Love is being willing to give up your own happiness for the other person, and until you're happy as a single person, you won't be able to do that. So...fix yo' self. 

                                                        VALENTINE HAMSTER!

Don't you kinda want to kiss his face a little? No? Yeah me neither. SMOOCH.

Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.

Types of Girls That Scare Me

Girls are great. I love them. Maybe too much. I love bro-ing down with my bros and having some bro time just like any other bro, but after awhile, I need some ladies in my life. Not in a flirty, creepy, sexual way, I just need some females in, on, or around my life. It's essential. Like water, minus the whole "you'll die if you don't have it" thing. BUT some girls are OMGZHOLYCRAP crazy and it's horrifying. Not every girl, just certain ones. Here it goes.

1. The Self Photographer

WE GET IT. YOU'RE HOT AND YOU WANT US TO KNOW IT. Yeah, I get that sometimes you want us to see your new haircut or your new shoes or whatever, but that shouldn't be too common. What's even crazier is when girls put up a picture of them making the "duck face" and then add some random lyric, Bible verse, or fem-nazi quote as the caption as if it justifies the self pic. How does that make any sense?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me <3" Phil 4:13

Great verse but girl, what the heck is wrong with your dumb stupid brain. 

2. The Ambiguous Tweeter

Nothing says "I'm an immature little baby child" like going to Twitter and saying things like:

"Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't so two-faced"

"Oh ok, I guess I'm only your friend when it's convenient for you."

"I wish people cared about other people more than themselves."

These are all random, but I see this ALL the time. It's awful. If you have a problem with someone, GO TALK TO THEM OR SHUT UP. No one wants to hear it, and even if we did, you're being so ambiguous that I don't even know what the heck you're talking about, and that's no fun for anyone.

3. The "I'm Not Like Other Girls" Girl

You know who thinks they aren't like every other girl? EVERY OTHER GIRL. As soon as a girl says that, I know that not only is she like every other girl, she's also a little cray cray in the dome piece. Not a fan. I'm alot like every other guy, no shame in admitting it.Yes, I'm my own person, but most guys have a lot in common, and so do you, ladies.

4. The "I Don't Get Along With Other Girls" Girl

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. If you only have one best girl friend at a time and they come and go every couple of months, you are trouble. I will put BIG money on that, every time. People are really easy to get along with as long as you're not selfish, so if you have multiple best friends who have become enemies, you're either a bad judge of character or bat crap crazy.

5. The Sad Single Girl

Listen, it's very hard for me to feel bad about how sad and lonely you are and how much you want a cuddle buddy when I'M SAD AND LONELY AND ALSO NEED A CUDDLE BUDDY. That's a lie. I have Duck to cuddle with but he's not very talkative. Kinda boring. But yeah, if you can't be happy single, you're not gonna be happy in a relationship either, so that means you're just not a happy person, and I am wayyyyy to peppy to deal with that.

I could go on, but that's it for now. Ladies, I love ya, and to those who don't do this stuff, I love ya even more. Let's hug. Like this:

"CANNNN YOU FEEELLLL THE LOVEEE TONIGHTTTTT LITTLE BUNNIESSSSS"

Girls and Sports

For centuries, men have been trying to balance out their love of sports and their love of the opposite sex. We love sports, we love our teams, but we love THE LADIES as well. Yes, the girl pictured above has earned some extra hot points for rocking the Red Sox shirt at a game, but some girls think they have us all figured out and that the way to our heart is talking sports. While there may be SOME truth to that, there's a few rules and guidelines you women folk should be following. Here they are:

1. Don't Insult My Team
As a Red Sox/Celtics/Patriots/Bruins fan living in Connecticut, I'm constantly caught in the Boston/New York rivalry. You can't escape it. Yes, I have met plenty of attractive Yankees fans and believe it or not, it's not a "deal breaker". But it can be if you push it! After the Red Sox failed to make the playoffs this year, a "friend" of mine who likes the Yankees thought it would be funny to tease me on Facebook messenger. (Side note: I hate Facebook messenger no matter what we're talking about.) I took the first jab in stride, but after the second one, I deleted her. For real. And no, I haven't added her back, nor do I plan to. I can take a little harassment, but don't push it!

2. Don't Argue Sports If You Don't Know What You're Talking About
A fellow man once gave me the Five Player Test: When a female says "I like the *sports team*!", you, as a man, have the right to ask her to name five players on that team. If she can't, she is not allowed to talk about sports. Ever.

3. Don't Be a Dude
I'm pretty emotionally invested in my teams of choice. When the Red Sox lost to the Orioles to lose the A.L. Wild Card, I was in an emotional slump for the rest of the night. But I'm a guy. That's what we do. I like girls who act like girls:

-Be feminine.
-Make us late for our date because you can't pick what shoes you want to wear.
-Cry over a dumb chick flick.
-Spend way too much money on fashion accessories.

I don't need another guy in my life. I have guys. They're called "the guys". Yes, I'd love for you to watch the game with me and let me pick you up and spin you around when we win or rub my back while I sulk after a loss, but if you're screaming at the TV louder than I am, yeah. That's not gonna work. If your favorite part of going to Fenway with me is having an excuse to buy a Red Sox shirt and wear eye black, I'm more than ok with that. BE A GIRL. Don't be a dude.

Yes, a girl who likes sports is cool, but it's not going to make us love you any more if you know more about our favorite team than we do. That's like dating a girl who's taller than me, which I'm also not ok with.

Sports are cool. Girls are cool. Don't be a dude.

Sorry girl, all the Red Sox apparel and cute animals in the world won't make me fall for a middle-aged woman with braces.