Reasons Why You Need a Significant Other for the Holidays

Ohhhhhhhh SHOOT it's Christmas time! Turkey Day is over and Christmas Season is on like Donkey Kong in a Santa suit.

"Thanks for the sweet visual, Dean."

You are welcome, citizen.

As an avid fan of all things cute, happy, and awesome, Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It's the happiest time of the year and *steps up onto religious soap box* we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and I do love me some Jesus! He's kind of the whole reason I'm on this earth so yeah, that's a sweet thing to celebrate. *steps off religious soap box*. I'm actually writing this while sipping on some Christmas Blend coffee from Starbucks. NOM NOM NOM. It tastes like happiness! So great. The only problem with Christmas and New Years is that it's basically made for couples. Send out a card with a picture of you and your love interest making snow angels and everyone thinks you're adorable. Send one of yourself making snow angels and you don't get invited to Christmas dinner because your family thinks you're mentally handicapped. DOUBLE STANDARD. Not cool. So let me give you a couple reasons why you need to grab somebody sexy and tell them "hey...be my Christmas lover." (Thank you Neyo for that life-changing lyric.)

1. Everyone Looks Better As a Couple
On a scale of 1-10, I put myself at a 5. I don't think girls swoon when I walk in a room, but I don't think they vomit all over the floor in disgust, either. At least I hope not. That would be sad. But anyway, as average as I may be, I am instantly a hard 9 on the hot scale with a stunning dime piece of a female on my arm! It's a fact of life. Ladies, you make me look good. REAL good. NOW LET'S BUY SANTA HATS AND DATE THE HECK OUT OF EACH OTHER. Santa wills it. He told me.



2. Your Family Won't Question Your Sexuality
We've already established I'm a fan of pastel colored V necks. Combine that with a few years of singleness and your family starts wondering when they're gonna meet your boyfriend. I'm not saying my family thinks I'm gay, but I will say my new love for the Justin Bieber Christmas song doesn't help my cause here.

SING IT BIEBS. Anyway, I like girls, not boys, and I'd love to remove any doubt from my Grandmother's mind.



3. It's a Good Excuse To Get More Gifts
If you buy yourself gifts for Christmas, you look like a selfish Scrooge. BUT if you buy a significant other a gift, they are obligated to return the favor and get YOU a gift of equal or greater value. It's a fact of life. So, you want an iPad? Buy your holiday lover a gift that costs as much as an iPad and with some strong hinting BOOM you've got one and you look like a caring human being. Awesome sauce.



4. You'll Probably Get a Seat at the Adult Table
We all hate being stuck at the kids table on the holidays. You're trying desperately to listen to what the adults are saying and get involved but your little cousin Timmy is screaming in your face about how much he loves Sponge Bob.

Gosh, Timmy sucks.If you bring a date to your holiday celebration, you're pretty much guaranteed a spot at the adult table. Your parents and Aunts and Uncles all want them to feel loved and accepted so you will be right there with them with the big people. Dopeness.






The Christmas season is a fun time as long as you can navigate some of the obstacles that come with being single, so grab someone decently attractive, throw some cash at them and make them yours on Christmas! Trust me, it's worth it. SO Thank you Josh Norman for the sweet blog idea, and here's some cute Christmas animal action!

GIVE ME GIFTS MONKEY MAN!

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

Facebook Translator Part II: Birthday Greetings

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I'M A MONKEYYYYY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

WOOHOO!!! It's my birthday. Well yesterday, June 14th was my birthday. I'm now 25. GROSS. But, moving on to what we're all here for: MORE FACEBOOK TRANSLATIONS. Every year Facebook lets all your friends know it's your birthday. People blow up your Wall saying Happy Birthday in many different ways, shapes and forms, so I'm back to help you decipher what people's birthday wishes mean about them or your friendship. 

"happy birthday"- "I barely remember how we met"/ "I'm only doing this because I feel obligated"/ "I hate you"/ "I hate punctuation"/

"Happy Birthday"- Same as above, but this person appreciates capitalization. Props.

"Happyyyy Birthdayyyy!!! :)" - "I have nothing creative to say but I'm nice and want you to be happy!"

"Happy Birthday ________!! Hope it's a good one. :)" - "I want you to know I'm a better friend than the people who just say "happy birthday" 

"Have a Blessed birthday!"- "I'm in your Mom's Bible Study"

"Happy Birthday bro/man/dude"- "We're guy friends"

"Happy Birthday you sexy hunk of meat" - "We're close enough for me to say this without you thinking I'm actually gay (same gender) or that I want you (opposite gender)"

"Hey can I borrow your Chem book next semester?" -"I'm oblivious/ a bad friend"

"Here's an adorable animal pic for your birthday!" - "I'm the best friend ever"

"Hey you Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well. Let's hang out soon. I miss you. :)" -This is the message you hope that attractive member of the opposite sex will send you to rekindle your friendship. There's a 2% chance of this actually happening...and that's being generous.

Again, these are rough translations, but for the most part, pretty accurate. Trust me, I'm a Doctor. (I'm not a Doctor.) But now it's time for me to give out awards for DEAN'S BEST BIRTHDAY WISHES OF 2011!!!!! 

Amber Oliver - Amber left me a link to the Top 10 Movies Rented From Netflix. OBVIOUSLY very helpful. Well done!

Bianca Rodriguez- Bianca left me this video of Justin Bieber singing Happy Birthday. I LOVE THE BIEBS.

Tyler Friedrich- Although Tyler initially only left "happy birthday" i.e. "I hate you", I called him out and he included the following message in his defense "(.)  That's a butthole." #winning

Joey Pantaleo- "Happy Birthday you big buff sexy hunk of man" We're close enough for me to know he's not gay. well played.

Andrew Weaver- "Happy 36th big guy! Hope it's a good birthday for you!" He's been saying I'm in my 30's for the past year.

Ron Crosby - Good ol' Ron left me a long 4 point message covering multiple aspects of my birthday. It was thorough, precise, and the longest message I got all day. Well played sir!

Christina Hussack - "omghb"  Complete opposite of Ron's and the shortest message I got all day. Nice.

If you made this list, CONGRATS! If not, better luck next year. In conclusion, I would like to thank both Erik Havumaki and Kayla Havumaki for including cute animals with their posts. Here they are, and on a serious note, thanks to all of you for the amazing Birthday. I have the best friends ever :)

BIRTHDAY AARDVARK!!!

BIRTHDAY MONKEY WITH A SWEET FRO!!!