Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

All You Need to Know About Harry Potter

In approximately 48 hours, I watched the first 7 Harry Potter movies. At about 2.5 hours each, that means I spent 17.5 hours watching little baby wizard children romp around a fantasy world...at the age of 25. No shame. No regrets. I dove head first into the story of Harry Potter and learned everything I could just in time to see the most recent release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 this past weekend. It was amazing and if I were capable of tears (too manly), I would have come close to waterworks a few times during the final chapter of this epic story. But, now it's over, and I'm here to enlighten you guys on all you really need to know about the Harry Potter Saga without spoiling anything. This could be tough.

Harry Potter

Has a scar on his head because he was an invincible baby. Starts off as a wimpy nerd with hipster glasses, ends the series pretty much the same way but a little more brave and/or stupid.

Hermione Granger


Starts off as a cute little book worm, ends as an older, very hot bookworm. Hallelujah.

Ronald Weasley


Starts off as a whiny ginger, ends as a whiny ginger on steroids. Somehow, Hermione is his girl. Boggles my mind.

Albus Dumbledore


Headmaster of Hogwarts. Awesome beard. Pretty much the man. Also, I don't care what J.K. Rowling says, he's not gay!! I mean, her initials are J. K. She's clearly just kidding.

Severus Snape


Kinda like the bad guy of the good guys? Or good guy of the bad guys? Just watch the movies. All that really matters is that he looks like he just got off tour with My Chemical Romance. EMO.

Draco Malfoy


Starts off as a punk, ends as a dbag. You'll hate him the second you see his big dumb face. I'm actually punching his face on my laptop screen between each word I'm typing.

Voldemort


Bad guy, obviously. He has no nose. No nose. Nostrils, yes. Nose, not so much. Straight up noseless. People are afraid to even say his name, even though when they do, nothing really happens.

Cedric Diggory


In one movie. SPOILER ALERT. He dies. Goes on to play some sparkly fairy or something. #twilightsucks









These are the main characters of the movie. There are other crucial characters, but you'll just have to watch the movies to learn about them. I can't tell you everything! Now for a few key words and terms you'll want to know:



Hogwarts: School for magicians and witches


Muggles: Non-magic people


Mudblood: Pretty much the "N word". Means you're not a pure blooded magician. Don't say it to Hermione. Trust.

Death Eaters: Bad guys. Pretty sure they don't actually eat death because that really doesn't make any sense.

Dementors: They'll pretty much suck your soul out of your face

Alright, you are now informed enough to watch the Harry Potter movies and actually know what the heck is going on. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Now go watch the movies, and love them. If you don't love them, I hate you. "But Dean, you don't know me." I don't care. You suck. To everyone who loves Harry Potter, I like you . I like you alot, and to show how much I like you, here's a HARRY POTTER KITTY!!!

"What it dooooo my Mudbloods?!"
(He's allowed to say it. You're not.)