Types of Girls That Scare Me

Girls are great. I love them. Maybe too much. I love bro-ing down with my bros and having some bro time just like any other bro, but after awhile, I need some ladies in my life. Not in a flirty, creepy, sexual way, I just need some females in, on, or around my life. It's essential. Like water, minus the whole "you'll die if you don't have it" thing. BUT some girls are OMGZHOLYCRAP crazy and it's horrifying. Not every girl, just certain ones. Here it goes.

1. The Self Photographer

WE GET IT. YOU'RE HOT AND YOU WANT US TO KNOW IT. Yeah, I get that sometimes you want us to see your new haircut or your new shoes or whatever, but that shouldn't be too common. What's even crazier is when girls put up a picture of them making the "duck face" and then add some random lyric, Bible verse, or fem-nazi quote as the caption as if it justifies the self pic. How does that make any sense?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me <3" Phil 4:13

Great verse but girl, what the heck is wrong with your dumb stupid brain. 

2. The Ambiguous Tweeter

Nothing says "I'm an immature little baby child" like going to Twitter and saying things like:

"Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't so two-faced"

"Oh ok, I guess I'm only your friend when it's convenient for you."

"I wish people cared about other people more than themselves."

These are all random, but I see this ALL the time. It's awful. If you have a problem with someone, GO TALK TO THEM OR SHUT UP. No one wants to hear it, and even if we did, you're being so ambiguous that I don't even know what the heck you're talking about, and that's no fun for anyone.

3. The "I'm Not Like Other Girls" Girl

You know who thinks they aren't like every other girl? EVERY OTHER GIRL. As soon as a girl says that, I know that not only is she like every other girl, she's also a little cray cray in the dome piece. Not a fan. I'm alot like every other guy, no shame in admitting it.Yes, I'm my own person, but most guys have a lot in common, and so do you, ladies.

4. The "I Don't Get Along With Other Girls" Girl

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. If you only have one best girl friend at a time and they come and go every couple of months, you are trouble. I will put BIG money on that, every time. People are really easy to get along with as long as you're not selfish, so if you have multiple best friends who have become enemies, you're either a bad judge of character or bat crap crazy.

5. The Sad Single Girl

Listen, it's very hard for me to feel bad about how sad and lonely you are and how much you want a cuddle buddy when I'M SAD AND LONELY AND ALSO NEED A CUDDLE BUDDY. That's a lie. I have Duck to cuddle with but he's not very talkative. Kinda boring. But yeah, if you can't be happy single, you're not gonna be happy in a relationship either, so that means you're just not a happy person, and I am wayyyyy to peppy to deal with that.

I could go on, but that's it for now. Ladies, I love ya, and to those who don't do this stuff, I love ya even more. Let's hug. Like this:

"CANNNN YOU FEEELLLL THE LOVEEE TONIGHTTTTT LITTLE BUNNIESSSSS"

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!