Nicki Manaj #5 Most Desirable Woman? Really?!

According to a list of the 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012 on AskMen.com featured on Yahoo.com, Nicki Manaj, female MC and member of Young Money is #5. Number 5. NUMBER 5!!!!! That's absolutely insane. No, she's not ugly and yes, a girl who can rap gets some extra hot points, but number 5!? OUT OF EVERY GIRL IN THE WORLD?!?!?! I feel like I know at least 50 girls personally that are more "desirable" than her. Even if the oh-so-stunning Mandy Moore wore the outfit Nicki is wearing in the pic above, she would instantly be a few steps below Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife as far as "desirability".

No, no, you absolutely are not.

The people saying "Nicki Manaj is desirable" are the same people telling me Lady Gaga is a fashion icon.

Really? REALLY?!?!?!

There's a gigantic difference between "I'm innovative" and "I'M STRAIGHT UP BAT CRAP CRAZY BLAHHHH!!!". Being that weird is not hot, or desirable, and I'm sick of being told it is. The media has gone insane. Tim Tebow is weird for praying before a football game, and Nicki Manaj is the 5th Most Desirable Woman on Earth. Really? 

Really??

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me too, little puff ball thing that might be a cat, me too. 

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

Mandy Moore...why don't you love me :(

Yup, there she is in all her stunning glory. Not only is she beyond adorable, but she has the voice OF AN ANGEL. I always thought she was cute, and her songs were catchy, but one fateful day a female friend "forced" me to watch A Walk To Remember. That night, we fell in love. Not me and the female friend, me and Mandy Moore. Ok maybe just me, but if Mandy was there she would have felt it too.



"CANNNN YOU FEEEEL THE LOVEEEE TONIGHT"-Elton

"Oh Dean I love you so much."-Mandy
"And I Love you too Nala...I mean Mandy"-Me


Some of you are thinking "Dean, you're being ridiculous. She doesn't even know you exist and even if she did, she wouldn't love you.", and although I might say i agree with you, if were being 100% honest, there is a small part of me that thinks IF we had met and IF she gave me a chance, I could possibly make something happen. Yeah, for real.

Sounds ridiculous, but I think we all do that. You look at your favorite celebrity and because their publicist has done an excellent job making the celebrity appear to us the way they want them to look, we fall for them. We think "that person is what I need, therefore I'm probably what they need too". You know, kinda like "if A=B, then B=A". Makes sense.

I think what it comes down to is we all spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we "deserve" in a significant other and we live our life with our checklist seeing how people compare to our "ideal girl/guy". Maybe we'd all be better living life becoming the best person we're capable of being instead of looking for the" best" girl/guy we can find. Heck, maybe when we're with someone we should be trying to be what THEY deserve instead of wondering if they deserve you. I mean, they're a child of God just like you, so who are we to decide who "deserves" us.

                                       "AW SNAP DAWG YOU JUST GOT SERVED!!!!"


This is not me being judgmental, this is me realizing all of this for my own life and passing on some insight. So yeah, I just got served too. By myself. Not sure how B2K would feel about that, but hey, it happened. Let's just be more humble and stop thinking we're so awesome and instead accept that we're flawed humans who should just love each other unconditionally like Jesus did, whether romantically or not.