5 Reasons Why I'm Cooler Than Brad Pitt

"I'm Brad Pitt. Ladies love me because I'm awesome"






He probably says that like 1,549 times a day. AT LEAST. Angelina probably gets sick of it and tries to go all Tomb Raider on him but then he probably goes all Troy on her and it turns into a scene out of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and all their adopted foreign babies are running around screaming and crying for their lives. What a sad life they must live. Sad, sad, sad.

As awesome as people might think Brad Pitt is, I'm here to attempt to prove that I'm cooler. Dare I say, MUCH cooler? Yes, I dare. #boom

1. He has the Benjamin Button Disease

To quote my good friend Brian Mezick, "That ish is gross". I do NOT have the Benjamin Button disease. I age normally outside of the fact that I'm almost 25 and I look like I'm 19.
Dean: 1 Brad: 0






2.  The coolest Brad Pitt was imaginary

Yeah, girls wanted Tyler Durden and guys wanted to be him, but (*SPOILER ALERT*) he's just Edward Norton's bipolar alter ego! Tyler Durden didn't exist. I exist, and I'm not Edward Norton's imaginary self.
Dean: 2 Brad:0






3. He's a bad guy!

"Heart breakerrrrrr"-Simple Plan. Yeah he broke Jeniffer Aniston's poor little heart! Bad guy! I am a good guy, and I promise ON MY LIFE that if I end up dating Jeniffer Aniston, I will not break her heart.
To all of you saying "She would never date you and if she did she would leave you way before you would leave her"...your logic and your rational minds don't belong here!
Dean: 3 Brad: SUCKS


4. He had a nasty beard

I've just recently been able to grow some decently thick man scruff, but I'm physically incapable of growing a legit beard like this. This is gross and he should feel bad for forcing this on whoever he was dating at the time. I promise I will never have a beard like this. It's not possible even if I wanted to...LADIES.
Dean: 4 Brad: GOOSE EGG


5. LOOK AT HIS DUMB FACE

A wise man by the name of Ralph Purificato Jr., my brother, once said "LOOK AT YOUR DUMB FACE". Actually more than once. He says it alot. It's funny, then it's annoying, then it's even funnier, and so on. But seriously, LOOK AT HIS DUMB FACE. Dean: 5 Brad:NADA












I'm awesome. Brad Pitt is awesome, but significantly less awesome. I win, he loses, and no I'm not interested in hearing how none of this is based on fact because it's my blog and to quote my good friend Tom Oppelt: "I do what I want." The end. LOOK AT THIS MONKEY.

Wearing Pink Isn't Gay

Ok, this is gay, but for a million reasons besides the pink.

But seriously, there is a big stigma that guys wearing pink are gay and I'm here to shut that down. As a straight male who has some pink in his arsenal, I know I don't pull out the pepto-pink Hurley V-neck when I feel like checking out other guys. Nooo thank you. It's comfy, it fits me pretty much perfectly and I got it for $2!! Not to mention I'll basically wear anything Pac Sun tells me too. #MallRat. I've also grown up with an undeserved sense of entitlement (thank you Ralph for that phrase) that because I play guitar, I DO WHAT I WANT. I've got this "pierce-my-face-ink-my-whole-body-i-dont-give-a-what" attitude and if you don't like, I don't care. Unless you're a female I'm trying to impress, then I probably care. A little.

But lets weight this out.

Here's Drake, multi-million dollar Hip Hop all star from the Young Money crew. He's got more street cred than you'll ever have in your life and no doubt gets girls at the snap of a finger. He's wearing pink, looking fresh to death, and there's not a gay thing about him no matter how much pink he wears. If you wear something like this, girls will think you're attractive and probably compliment you. Drake: NOT GAY.










Listen BRO, don't ever ever EVER do this. Ever. There may be a time where I wore something like this. It was a small window of time, and I deeply apologize. Don't pop the collar on your pink polo. Sadly, girls will still probably like the fact that this guy has the confidence to wear pink. Pink Polo: NOT GAY. Popped Collar: NOT GAY, BUT BRO, WHICH IS WORSE.
(see "Why won't he/she text me back?" blog for more on the infamous Bro)

Some people might consider this shirt "manly". Snooki would probably drool over a guy who looks like this, no matter what his face looks like. Yes, some girls look for this, but most probably think you look like a tool. On the other hand, you probably have other meat heads coming up to you saying "Hey I like your skulls. Where'd you get that shirt? Where do you get your swell on? Your biceps look super defined bro...". Yeah, although this might be the "manliest" option, it clearly has the most potential to be gay. Manly shirt: COULD BE GAY

GAY but that's obviously the point, so if you're wearing this you're clearly not afraid of people thinking you're gay. Not much else to say about that. Do your thing.







In conclusion, wear pink if you want to. It has nothing to do with being gay. It's #fortheladies. Unless you're literally wearing "PINK", that Victoria's Secret brand, which is strictly for females. Then I will hit you, and you will thank me for it. Like this:

Answering the question "Why didn't he/she text me back?"

Ohhhhhhh how I love texting. Between texting, Facebook, and Twitter, my phone is pretty much on me at all times and my phone battery rarely lasts the full day. It's basically like crack. But worse.

I'm probably more attached to my phone than most people, but let's be honest our phones are ALWAYS on and ALWAYS on us. When you lose your phone, your stomach is in knots until you get it. We are dependent on our connection to the outside world. We all know this.

I've talked to alot of girls lately who tell the same story: "We're kinda talking/dating/seeing each other, we talk all the time, but i haven't heard from him all day/night and i called/texted 1/2/6/19/393650367 times and he never responded. What does that mean?"

It can mean a few things:

1) You're talking to/dating/seeing a bro 

We call these guys "bros". Their life consists of getting chicks, cheap beer, and popping their polos and trying to pretend they aren't gay. (That last fact was harsh and probably not true, and I thought about deleting it but instead I'm writing this pseudo-apology for my harshness). If this is the guy you've chosen to date and you wonder why he doesn't treat you like Noah from the Notebook, you've brought this on yourself and I don't feel bad for you. Why won't he text you back? HE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU. HE JUST WANTS TO BE A BRO.


2) He's just not that into you

Yes, I've seen this movie. No, I'm not gay. Yes, everything they say is true. If he/she doesn't want to call you their boyfriend/girlfriend, they probably just don't like you. If they don't respond to your calls or texts, or only do so on their terms, they probably just don't like you. Think of when YOU like someone. You get excited when they call/text and you're never too busy to talk to them or see them. A text takes all of 20 seconds to send. Unless you're this lady.

If a guy likes you, he wants to make sure he doesn't ruin things with you, and if that's the case, he will text you. If not. Move on. Why won't he text you back? HE DON'T LIKE YA!


3) His phone died/He is legitimately busy/He's dead/He lost his hands or fingers
Sometimes, you really can't. Jobs have rules against them. You're doing manual labor that requires both hands. You're at a wedding/funeral. If this is truly the case, he probably warned you about this time block of non-texting and he'll probably text you as soon as he's free, but if this is the case, you're probably not asking your friends why he's not texting you. Why won't he text me back? HE'S ACTUALLY BUSY.

We make more excuses for people we're emotionally attached to than we would for anyone else in our life. Think of how you treat someone when you legitimately like them and want to be with them, and if the way their acting isn't the same or similar, you're probably not on the same page and it's time to move on or have a D.T.R. (Define The Relationship) conversation. When you think about your romantic situation, you should feel like this.

Not like this

Not to get all sappy, but when it's real and it's mutual, you don't doubt it, and you never have to ask the question "Why didn't they text me back?". In conclusion, here's a pic I found when I googled "puppy love". It has nothing to do with this blog but I felt like it would be wrong not to share it.

What. The. Heck.

What your Converse All Stars say about you

**WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY IS FULL OF IRRATIONAL STEREOTYPES**


Converse All Stars, also known as "Chuck Taylors" are the greatest shoe ever. They are a timeless classic of footwear and come in a variety of colors and styles to fully express yourself. They also offer little to know support for your foot and after a long day of walking in them, self-amputation starts to feel like a fantastic idea. Let's see your Reebok Zigtech's do THAT.

Here's a quick analysis of what your Chucks say about you:

Black Low Tops

This style says "I'm edgy, but safe." You're not trying to make a a huge statement with these. I feel like actor's playing the role of "typical, non-special, average dude", they rock these suckers. These are my Chuck of choice.





Black High Tops

These high tops say "I'm still kinda safe, but I'm making more of a statement." These are a little more hipster friendly, especially if you wear thick rimmed glasses (usually non prescription) and like old school and/or British Hip Hop. Worn with skinny jeans or shorts for the full "high top" effect.



Boots

Unless you are a girl in a punk band or a 12 year old girl who shops strictly at Hot Topic, don't wear these. Even then, I'll still look at you and think "This person makes bad decisions". These shoes say "I want people to think I'm weird but my Mommy and Daddy said I can't tattoo my face til I'm 16 :'( "  Obviously if Mandy Moore was wearing them, they would be the hottest thing ever, but besides that, please don't. (See previous Mandy Moore blog). If you're a guy and you own these, you deserve every weird look you get while wearing them, but let's be real, that's probably what you're going for.

Colored

I can't afford a different pair of shoes for every color I wear, but if you can, DO IT. Not only is matching your kicks with your clothes beyond "fresh-to-death" status, but it looks super cool and organized. This maneuver can earn you about +5-10 Street Cred, and you can never have enough of that.* DISCLAIMER*: Do not mix colors unless you're Punky Brewster. *DISCLAIMER ON THE PREVIOUS DISCLAIMER*: You are not Punky Brewster. Don't do it.

So there you have it kiddies, some completely irrational analysis of what your Chucks say about you. I think we all learned alot of valuable information here. I love Chuck Taylors and so should you. Get some. DO IT NOW.

If you didn't laugh when you saw this picture, this blog is CLEARLY not for you.

It's Friday, Friday, gotta blog about Rebecca Black on Friday...

Yeah, this 13 year old chick is EVERYWHERE. It's crazy. As of today, her hit YouTube video "Friday" has 72, 982, 992 views. For comparison, this awesome unpopular strikethrough's are fun blog you're reading right now has...372 views. So yeah, she's winning this online popularity contest. In the video she tackles huge questions relevant to "tweens" today, questions like: "Which seat is the best to sit in when riding in a car?", "Which day comes after Friday?", "Which day comes before Sunday?", etc. (Yes. For real.)

The most interesting part about Rebecca Black's new found popularity is that she's popular because people HATE her. Let me explain. YouTube allows people to give their opinion in a short and concise way, "like" and "dislike".



Clicking this is the equivalent of saying "OH EM GEE LIKE REBECCA BLACK IS MY FAVORITE I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH"


          
When someone clicks this, they're saying "YOU SUCK I HATE YOU I LIKE METAL AND HIP HOP AND COOL MUSIC THAT MAKES ME LOOK COOL WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH"

These are rough translations, but I'm pretty sure I've captured the general idea. Now here are the stats on Rebecca Black's video. She currently has 172,497 "likes". That seem's like alot... until you compare it to 1,402, 413 "dislikes". In summary, people don't like her.

Yes, my "Paint" skills are dramatically improving! Thanks for noticing! But seriously, her song is ridiculous, and her voice sounds like a robotic squirrel with throat cancer choking on another robotic squirrel with throat cancer. (Yes, I have heard what that sounds like. Don't question me.)

As a musician, there's a part of me that gets angry seeing someone with so little musical talent getting so popular and making a living doing what I, a "real" musician, "should" be doing. I can carry a tune, I can play instruments. WHY NOT ME. But there's another part of me, the hopelessly upbeat, optimistic, and positive side, that has to applaud her. This girl is 13 and we're mad that she isn't the next Whitney Houston. No one is trying to tell us Rebecca Black is the future of music. No one has even said she's talented. She's just a 13 year old girl doing what 13 year old girls do, and 13 year olds love it. She's probably having the time of her life right now and not reading a single negative comment that losers with no life write on her video. GOOD FOR HER. In short, don't hate, appreciate. But now, I must get on with my Friday...Friday...gotta get down on Friday... WE WE WE WE SO EXCITED!!!! WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH

<----ME

<----- The Biebs, not caring that I'm so upset. Jerk.