How I Can Stop Identity Theft

I woke up this morning and went about my usual routine: up at 6am, made a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and pancakes, had a delicious chai latte, and ended it all with a brisk 5 mile jog...HA. That's a lie. I woke up at 10:30am and played on my iPhone until 11:45am. But I opened up my laptop to log onto the good ol' Face Book Dot Com only to find that my account was locked because SOMEONE IN FREAKIN' THAILAND LOGGED INTO MY ACCOUNT! I imagine he looked like this:

"OH HERRO! I RIKE A TAKE A DEAN'S FRACE BROOK!"

** WARNING: Do not Google Image search "Thai Boy" unless your Safe Search is on Strict. Not ok, Thailand. Not. Ok.**

I'd also like to clarify that I am not a racist and I love all of God's people, but fake Asian accents are the most fun thing EVER. You can't argue with me, it's science.

So yeah, I'm a little upset with Ping Pong over there thinking he can just hop on the interwebs and log into MY Facebook just for the fun of it! What a jerk! GET YOUR OWN IDENTITY PING PONG!!! Also, if you're going to steal someone's identity, why me? I'm not that cool...KIDDING. My identity is TOTALLY worth stealing. I'm mildly awesome/ decently marvelous. 

Sooooooo how can I protect myself from identity thieves? This is my game plan:

1. Buy a Gun

It's only a matter of time before bullets can travel via email, and when that time comes, Ping Pong is getting two right between the eyes...or maybe in his spam folder? Sorry, I still don't completely understand the technology.

2. Change my password to "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

This way, no one will have any idea what my password i...wait...crap. I guess I just ruined that idea. I SUCK AT THIS. Ok how about...

3. Stop Using The Internet

YEAH! Try getting your grubby e-hands on me now, PING PONG! I just won't use the Internet ever again, starting right now.........

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..................................................OK I'M BACK. That was the longest 15 seconds of my life. Hmmmm I could always try...

4. Buying an Attack Dog!

He's the the meanest, scariest, most threatening animal known to man, and just the knowledge that I own this dog will keep Identity Thieves at bay.

Made this myself. Kinda proud.

Gosh, I freakin' love Boo. I hope this works. If not, at least I have some Boo in my life. He's the best.

5. Beg For Mercy

Dear Online Thieves,

Please leave me alone. I'm a very nice person and I have little to nothing to offer you outside of a few chuckles. Maybe. On a good day. But for real, GO AWAY PING PONG. My Facebook is not worth your time. BE MERCIFUL UPON ME INTERNET GOD OF iDeath!

Love, 

Me

Ok that's it. I changed my password and I think my Facebook is safe...for now. Identity thieves are just big meanies. Jerks. :'(