If you're going to post "selfies", do it right!

I'm losing the battle of "selfies are kinda stupid" so instead, I've decided to help. I work full time at a photography studio and part of my job is the infamous SENIOR PORTRAIT. My job is to take awkward teenagers, make them feel more awkward by taking their picture, and then make them look good and relaxed. It can be rough, but let me use my skills to help you look less bad shooting your selfies.

1. Ladies, only let us see one shoulder
You know who wants broad shoulders? Dudes. Why? It's masculine. You want to look feminine. So, turn your body a little.

"Where did my body go??"

2. Perspective

It's all about the "angles". Shoot from below, your body looks bigger than your head. 

Girls, you don't want this.

Shoot from above, your body looks smaller because your head looks bigger.

Flattering for the ladies, slimming for the dudes.

This is a little much. No one cares what you look like from space.

3. The Duck Face is dumb

That's all.

4. Dudes, flex your traps, don't shrug your shoulders.

Shrugging your actual shoulders is a sign of being uncomfortable, so don't do it. Just flex your traps and keep your shoulders relaxed.

HULKAMANIA!

5. More skin DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SMALLER

Some girls think "I'm a little curvy, I'll dress like a hooker and look smaller." WRONG. Clothes will slim you, skin will not.

I don't look big no matter what I do, but this certainly doesn't make me look smaller, especially if i had big flappy triceps. Don't do it ladies. Guys, SUN'S OUT GUNS OUT. Tank tops fah dayzzzz.

That's all folks. Don't post selfies, because you're an adult and it's dumb, but if you're going to, at least let me help you look your best.

Why You Don't Have A Valentine

Wondering why "everyone" has a special someone today and you don't? I'd love to tell you! Buckle up your seat belts, kids. 

1. You're Probably Trying Too Hard

If you're constantly LOOKING for someone to date, then you're probably never going to FIND someone to date. Yeah. For real. If you meet people and are just trying to see if they could be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're not actually seeing them for who they are as a person. You're just seeing them for what they can bring to your life, and that is super obvious and super annoying. Knock it off!

2. You're Probably Really Annoying

I have two, semi-subconscious lists in my head: "Girl's I'll Never Date" and "Girls I Haven't Decided I Wouldn't Date". If you're super annoying, especially about relationships and how "boys suck" and how you're "so lonely", you probably hold a strong spot on that first list. That crap is annoying. If you think retweeting Drake is going to make your ex change his/her mind and date you again, you are wrong, and kinda stupid. A Poem:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Holy crap you're annoying

I'm hiding you on Facebook

"Whatever! Who says I want to date you anyway??" -Random female reader that this part totally applies to.

3. You Have Standards

Maybe you actually like your life. Maybe you realize you're worth something, even if you're not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you have a life you love and passions you pursue. Maybe you realize God loves you and has an awesome plan for your life and can use you in HUGE ways, even if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you're willing to date someone when it's right, but realize you have a good life, single or taken, and are going to wait until you meet the person who challenges you and brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. 

If that's you, you win.

If you're looking for a relationship for what you get, you lose. 

That's why no one getting married says that they're getting someone's life. No, they're giving theirs. That's what it's about. True Love is being willing to give up your own happiness for the other person, and until you're happy as a single person, you won't be able to do that. So...fix yo' self. 

                                                        VALENTINE HAMSTER!

Don't you kinda want to kiss his face a little? No? Yeah me neither. SMOOCH.

Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.