I'm In Love...Again aka Canada Blog Part 2

Well, add one more to my list of "Girl's I'm In Love With For Stupid Reasons". Carly Rae Jepsen has stolen my heart. Why? Because she just released the CATCHIEST song I've ever heard in my life and she sounds ADORABLE singing it. Seriously, my legs turn to jello every time she sings the words "call me maybe." Like this:

Yes, my legs literally turn into a sealed box of sugar-free cherry jello. This song and her delivery are stinkin' adorable. It's also potentially the least masculine song ever written, but I really don't care. "Shame" isn't something I have a lot of, if I even have any. Here's the song.

As if the song isn't fruity enough, the music video really doesn't help. I think it took that guy a solid 90 seconds to finally get his shirt off. At least I know she likes guys with tattoos! #hopelessoptimist. But seriously, how catchy is this song?! Doesn't it make you want to get up and dance until you pass out and fall in love with a stranger and all that other fun Disney-esque stuff? It does for me. Shoot whattttttt. 

But here's the REAL issue. As I mentioned in my first blog ever, "Oh Canada", I've spent most of my life making fun of Canada for really no reason except that it's LIKE America, but NOT America. Then, I went to Toronto last year to play bass for Paul Davidson at Canadian Music Week and had the time of my life! (Check out his tunes here. I played bass on these tracks. NBD. *brushes dirt off shoulders*)  Canada was awesome. Then, I watched the Bieber movie. LOVED IT. Now, Canada is dropping this little fireball of a song on me and I just can't help but love the Great White North! Listen here, Canada, if you're trying to seduce me, it is working, and it's working REAL good. I'm about to buy an igloo and a polar bear and start a new life in Canadia! Seriously, it's tempting.

P.S. To everyone saying "How old is this girl Dean? YA PERV!", she's 26. BOOYAH right in front of your mom!!! #KevinHartQuote She's a year older than me. Eat it. Now...HIT ME WITH A POLAR BEAR!!

I didn't literally mean "eat it" silly bear.

Some Valentine's Day Encouragement

It's ok crying girl. We all feel ya. 

Let's set the tone for this blog with a few quick translations:

"I hate Valentine's Day" = I want a boyfriend/girlfriend

"Another Valentine's Day alone..." = Keep me away from sharp objects and large quantities of prescription medication.

"Can't wait to spend the day with my love!" = HAHA YOU'RE LONELY AND I'M NOT :P

"Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday" = For some reason I think a greeting card company has the power to create national holidays.

You either love Valentine's Day because you're with someone you care about or you hate it because you're not. Orrrrrrrrrrr there are about 10% of us who really don't give a crap and are gonna make the most of it. I can celebrate love even if I'm not IN LOVE, so me and some close friends are gonna dress up and look awesome and have a fun night together instead of me taking my significant other out to dinner because she'll dump me if I don't. KAAAAAAABOOM.

I'm sure there are a few guys who will legitimately be sad that they aren't with someone, but this next part is mainly FOR THE SINGLE LADIES. This is why you should be happy on Valentine's day:

1. Being Single Means You Aren't With A Guy Who's a Big Jerk

Am I right or am I right?! If you feel lonely, think of the worst, most miserable couple you know of and be happy that you are NOT in that relationship. Yeahhhhh buddy.

2. Justin Bieber Loves You

You're welcome.

3. You Can Be MY Valentine!
Lucky you, right?! Due to the high demand on ME, we're gonna have to handle this all Glen Beck-style and allow me to have multiple Valentines (POUNDSIGNMORMONJOKE) but that doesn't mean you're any less special to me! For the low cost of $1/One Doll Hair, I will text you tomorrow and say "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful! I'm the luckiest guy alive :)". How freakin' cute is that?! What a BARGAIN.



Ok let's be real, if you really are depressed about Valentine's Day, none of the things I just said are gonna help, but maybe this will: Don't let another person's existence in your life determine your ability to be happy. Male or female, single or taken, you're an awesome person capable of awesome things in life, and God loves you and shows it more than any human Valentine ever could. (happy tears). So, with that being said, Happy Valentine's Day everyone, and celebrate love because it's awesomely awesome.

Also, kiss a stranger on the mouth. They'll get over it and you'll have a great story to tell. And make it look something like this:

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's a llama kissing a deer. Yup. Mhmm.

Reasons Why You Need a Significant Other for the Holidays

Ohhhhhhhh SHOOT it's Christmas time! Turkey Day is over and Christmas Season is on like Donkey Kong in a Santa suit.

"Thanks for the sweet visual, Dean."

You are welcome, citizen.

As an avid fan of all things cute, happy, and awesome, Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It's the happiest time of the year and *steps up onto religious soap box* we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and I do love me some Jesus! He's kind of the whole reason I'm on this earth so yeah, that's a sweet thing to celebrate. *steps off religious soap box*. I'm actually writing this while sipping on some Christmas Blend coffee from Starbucks. NOM NOM NOM. It tastes like happiness! So great. The only problem with Christmas and New Years is that it's basically made for couples. Send out a card with a picture of you and your love interest making snow angels and everyone thinks you're adorable. Send one of yourself making snow angels and you don't get invited to Christmas dinner because your family thinks you're mentally handicapped. DOUBLE STANDARD. Not cool. So let me give you a couple reasons why you need to grab somebody sexy and tell them "hey...be my Christmas lover." (Thank you Neyo for that life-changing lyric.)

1. Everyone Looks Better As a Couple
On a scale of 1-10, I put myself at a 5. I don't think girls swoon when I walk in a room, but I don't think they vomit all over the floor in disgust, either. At least I hope not. That would be sad. But anyway, as average as I may be, I am instantly a hard 9 on the hot scale with a stunning dime piece of a female on my arm! It's a fact of life. Ladies, you make me look good. REAL good. NOW LET'S BUY SANTA HATS AND DATE THE HECK OUT OF EACH OTHER. Santa wills it. He told me.



2. Your Family Won't Question Your Sexuality
We've already established I'm a fan of pastel colored V necks. Combine that with a few years of singleness and your family starts wondering when they're gonna meet your boyfriend. I'm not saying my family thinks I'm gay, but I will say my new love for the Justin Bieber Christmas song doesn't help my cause here.

SING IT BIEBS. Anyway, I like girls, not boys, and I'd love to remove any doubt from my Grandmother's mind.



3. It's a Good Excuse To Get More Gifts
If you buy yourself gifts for Christmas, you look like a selfish Scrooge. BUT if you buy a significant other a gift, they are obligated to return the favor and get YOU a gift of equal or greater value. It's a fact of life. So, you want an iPad? Buy your holiday lover a gift that costs as much as an iPad and with some strong hinting BOOM you've got one and you look like a caring human being. Awesome sauce.



4. You'll Probably Get a Seat at the Adult Table
We all hate being stuck at the kids table on the holidays. You're trying desperately to listen to what the adults are saying and get involved but your little cousin Timmy is screaming in your face about how much he loves Sponge Bob.

Gosh, Timmy sucks.If you bring a date to your holiday celebration, you're pretty much guaranteed a spot at the adult table. Your parents and Aunts and Uncles all want them to feel loved and accepted so you will be right there with them with the big people. Dopeness.






The Christmas season is a fun time as long as you can navigate some of the obstacles that come with being single, so grab someone decently attractive, throw some cash at them and make them yours on Christmas! Trust me, it's worth it. SO Thank you Josh Norman for the sweet blog idea, and here's some cute Christmas animal action!

GIVE ME GIFTS MONKEY MAN!

Irene, You Kinda Suck

Hey Irene! NOBODY LIKES YOU, you big dumb hurricane jerk face. That's why we named you Irene, because it's the name of gross old women that nobody likes.

Typical Irene

No offense to any Irene's out there, but the name just isn't pretty. So let's list out why we hate Irene.

1. Your name is ugly

Yes, we just mentioned this, but Irene is a gross, crappy name. I think of Hurricane Irene and I think of the woman pictured above, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and....and...well rain and wind. 

"I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on them homesssss" (Get it?? Homes? HA)

2. No one invited you!

You know that annoying friend who always stops by whenever you're laying down for a nap? Or the family member who calls right as you sit down for dinner? Or the guy who texts you on a Friday night and asks you to be invited to whatever you're doing? Yeah, Irene is all of those in one. GO HOME. Nobody wants you here, ya big dumb beast, kinda like Steve Urkel.

"Did I do that???"

Yeah, Steve, ya did, and Carl Winslow is gonna beat the crap out of you.

3. You were just here in 1999!!

Yeah. Little known fact, we already had a visit from Irene in 1999. She killed 18 people and did $800 million in damages! Would you invite that person back to your country? Heck to the no! 9 people and $300 million in damages, yeah, maybe I can get past that, but I can not afford to have friends who cost me that much money!! Go. Away. You. Suck.

4. You're ruining my Earthquake Survival Plan!!!

If you've already read the blog before this, my East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide, you know that I have a VERY organized plan on how to deal with the earthquake we just had, and YOU ARE RUINING IT! Megan, Mandy, and Carrie aren't gonna watch me accept my new role as World Leader if it's raining out! It'll ruin their hair! Bieber isn't going to help me shoot the earthquake in the face if it's raining out! It'll ruin his hair too! YOU SUCK SO HARD IRENE! I wish you were never born.

I WANT THIS AND YOU RUINED IT!!! :'(

Long story short, Irene is kind of a B word, and no one wants her here. Go terrorize the North Pole where there are no people. The penguins are bored and they could use some excitement. Go away!

"LEAVE THE EAST COAST ALONE!!!"

                                                    

YAY VISITORS YAY!

I hate Irene. She is not my friend. All the free baked goods in the world couldn't salvage this relationship. Stop scaring us!!!

AHHHH SCARY HURRICANE HORSE!!!

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Facebook Translator Part II: Birthday Greetings

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I'M A MONKEYYYYY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

WOOHOO!!! It's my birthday. Well yesterday, June 14th was my birthday. I'm now 25. GROSS. But, moving on to what we're all here for: MORE FACEBOOK TRANSLATIONS. Every year Facebook lets all your friends know it's your birthday. People blow up your Wall saying Happy Birthday in many different ways, shapes and forms, so I'm back to help you decipher what people's birthday wishes mean about them or your friendship. 

"happy birthday"- "I barely remember how we met"/ "I'm only doing this because I feel obligated"/ "I hate you"/ "I hate punctuation"/

"Happy Birthday"- Same as above, but this person appreciates capitalization. Props.

"Happyyyy Birthdayyyy!!! :)" - "I have nothing creative to say but I'm nice and want you to be happy!"

"Happy Birthday ________!! Hope it's a good one. :)" - "I want you to know I'm a better friend than the people who just say "happy birthday" 

"Have a Blessed birthday!"- "I'm in your Mom's Bible Study"

"Happy Birthday bro/man/dude"- "We're guy friends"

"Happy Birthday you sexy hunk of meat" - "We're close enough for me to say this without you thinking I'm actually gay (same gender) or that I want you (opposite gender)"

"Hey can I borrow your Chem book next semester?" -"I'm oblivious/ a bad friend"

"Here's an adorable animal pic for your birthday!" - "I'm the best friend ever"

"Hey you Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well. Let's hang out soon. I miss you. :)" -This is the message you hope that attractive member of the opposite sex will send you to rekindle your friendship. There's a 2% chance of this actually happening...and that's being generous.

Again, these are rough translations, but for the most part, pretty accurate. Trust me, I'm a Doctor. (I'm not a Doctor.) But now it's time for me to give out awards for DEAN'S BEST BIRTHDAY WISHES OF 2011!!!!! 

Amber Oliver - Amber left me a link to the Top 10 Movies Rented From Netflix. OBVIOUSLY very helpful. Well done!

Bianca Rodriguez- Bianca left me this video of Justin Bieber singing Happy Birthday. I LOVE THE BIEBS.

Tyler Friedrich- Although Tyler initially only left "happy birthday" i.e. "I hate you", I called him out and he included the following message in his defense "(.)  That's a butthole." #winning

Joey Pantaleo- "Happy Birthday you big buff sexy hunk of man" We're close enough for me to know he's not gay. well played.

Andrew Weaver- "Happy 36th big guy! Hope it's a good birthday for you!" He's been saying I'm in my 30's for the past year.

Ron Crosby - Good ol' Ron left me a long 4 point message covering multiple aspects of my birthday. It was thorough, precise, and the longest message I got all day. Well played sir!

Christina Hussack - "omghb"  Complete opposite of Ron's and the shortest message I got all day. Nice.

If you made this list, CONGRATS! If not, better luck next year. In conclusion, I would like to thank both Erik Havumaki and Kayla Havumaki for including cute animals with their posts. Here they are, and on a serious note, thanks to all of you for the amazing Birthday. I have the best friends ever :)

BIRTHDAY AARDVARK!!!

BIRTHDAY MONKEY WITH A SWEET FRO!!!

It's Friday, Friday, gotta blog about Rebecca Black on Friday...

Yeah, this 13 year old chick is EVERYWHERE. It's crazy. As of today, her hit YouTube video "Friday" has 72, 982, 992 views. For comparison, this awesome unpopular strikethrough's are fun blog you're reading right now has...372 views. So yeah, she's winning this online popularity contest. In the video she tackles huge questions relevant to "tweens" today, questions like: "Which seat is the best to sit in when riding in a car?", "Which day comes after Friday?", "Which day comes before Sunday?", etc. (Yes. For real.)

The most interesting part about Rebecca Black's new found popularity is that she's popular because people HATE her. Let me explain. YouTube allows people to give their opinion in a short and concise way, "like" and "dislike".



Clicking this is the equivalent of saying "OH EM GEE LIKE REBECCA BLACK IS MY FAVORITE I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH"


          
When someone clicks this, they're saying "YOU SUCK I HATE YOU I LIKE METAL AND HIP HOP AND COOL MUSIC THAT MAKES ME LOOK COOL WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH"

These are rough translations, but I'm pretty sure I've captured the general idea. Now here are the stats on Rebecca Black's video. She currently has 172,497 "likes". That seem's like alot... until you compare it to 1,402, 413 "dislikes". In summary, people don't like her.

Yes, my "Paint" skills are dramatically improving! Thanks for noticing! But seriously, her song is ridiculous, and her voice sounds like a robotic squirrel with throat cancer choking on another robotic squirrel with throat cancer. (Yes, I have heard what that sounds like. Don't question me.)

As a musician, there's a part of me that gets angry seeing someone with so little musical talent getting so popular and making a living doing what I, a "real" musician, "should" be doing. I can carry a tune, I can play instruments. WHY NOT ME. But there's another part of me, the hopelessly upbeat, optimistic, and positive side, that has to applaud her. This girl is 13 and we're mad that she isn't the next Whitney Houston. No one is trying to tell us Rebecca Black is the future of music. No one has even said she's talented. She's just a 13 year old girl doing what 13 year old girls do, and 13 year olds love it. She's probably having the time of her life right now and not reading a single negative comment that losers with no life write on her video. GOOD FOR HER. In short, don't hate, appreciate. But now, I must get on with my Friday...Friday...gotta get down on Friday... WE WE WE WE SO EXCITED!!!! WHY DOESN'T JUSTIN BIEBER LOVE ME WAHHHHH

<----ME

<----- The Biebs, not caring that I'm so upset. Jerk.