Boo, the World's Cutest Dog aka Why You're Single part II

Have you seen this freakin' dog?!?!?! His name is Boo, and he has over 3 million views on YouTube by staring at a camera and being adorable. Ok, adorable doesn't quite cut it. He's probably the most precious thing on the face of this planet. As soon as I watched this video I just started throwing all my cash, credit cards, and material belongings at the screen, trying to give them to him. I will not be happy until Boo is mine!! So why is this blog also labeled "Why You're Single part II"? Let me explain. You are single because:

1) You Aren't Boo

If you were Boo, everyone would want you all the time regardless of gender, race, or sexual preference. Why? Boo is awesome.

2) You Don't Own Boo

If Boo was your dog, you COULD sit inside all day and have a line of men/women outside your door waiting to see you, despite what I said in the original "Why You're Single" blog. Why? BECAUSE BOO IS AWESOME!

3) You Don't Know Boo

Even if you just knew Boo, you'd be cooler than 99% of the population. Heck, if you pet him once or just see him from a distance you're still 10x more awesome than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Why?!?!?! BECAUSE BOO IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I want Boo. I NEED Boo. Now. Please. Get me Boo!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH BOO AS A PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

Bad Kissers

WOOHOOOOOO I LOVE KISSING. It's the best. You've had a nice evening with a beautiful girl, you're standing on the porch saying goodnight, you lean in and BAM. Fireworks. It feels like her lips are the Ying to your Yang, like they were one whole piece separated and now brought together by your love. AWWWWWW. Kissing is fun. But how about this scenario: you lean in for that kiss and you feel like your mouth just entered World War III and you're fighting for dear life just to get home and tell your Momma you love her.Yeah, THAT sucks. Bad kissers still exist no matter how old you get. It's awful. I'm not claiming to be a pro, but I know I don't suck at it. I have gigantic lips that can probably lift more weight than I could bench pressing and we've learned to work well together. (TMI? Probably. Don't be mad.)

That was mainly an excuse to show you this ridiculous picture of me and my buddy Brian, but seriously, they're gigantic. It makes no sense. They account for about 72% of my body weight. #fact. BUT ANYWAY let's talk about different kinds of bad kissers and what they need to fix.

TONGUE SAMURAIS
You know the theory that if you can unwrap a Starburst with your tongue, you're a good kisser? WRONG. Have you seen someone do that? Can you imagine that happening to your mouth?! Pretty sure you'd be immediately hospitalized and need a solid 4-6 months of physical therapy after. Kissing is done with your lips. If you wanna throw in some tongue, go for it, but lets keep it classy and stick to 85% to 90% lips. We're not slaying dragons here kids.

BITERS
OUCH. Stop it. Playful nibble, ok, but my lips are not a 16oz sirloin so don't tear into them like they are. Any more pressure than what you'd use to hold a pen between your teeth while you do Algebra homework is too much. I shouldn't wake up with a fat lip like I just made my first appearance in the UFC octagon.

FACE SMASHERS
"Oh I'm sorry I thought we were kissing. I didn't realize my face just entered the 47kg weight division for Olympic Wrestling." Not sure why girls feel the need to press their face into mine to the point of having to regain my balance, but it happens, and it's scary. I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS BECAUSE WE LIKED EACH OTHER?!? :'(

OPEN MOUTHERS
Holy. Crap. Close. Your. Mouth. If you're opening your mouth any more than you would when talking at a normal volume, it's too much.

Nobody wants to kiss this! Please close your mouth. We're trying to express our love with our lips. We're not playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. But we can play that after since that game is SO fun. I CALL THE ORANGE HIPPO!!!!

Bad kissers are no bueno. Not fun and it can honestly be a deal breaker. No one wants to date a gross kisser! So if you fall into any of these categories, please fix your technique so you don't get stuck owning 30 cats and dying alone. (Yes, I'm exaggerating.) 

What My Job Is Like: Useless Statistics

As a 25 year old who has recently gone back to college, I've also been reintroduced to the world of "the mindless minimum wage job". I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop so my job consists of the following: 

1) Telling people how much their yogurt costs 

2) Eating frozen yogurt

3) Taking their money

4) Eating frozen yogurt

5) Flashing a smile and saying something charming/witty in hopes of a tip

6) Eating frozen yogurt

7) Occasionally wiping down a table or emptying a trash bag

8) Eat. The. Yog.

Fun times all around. But not really. It gets boring QUICK. I decided last night to bring my people watching skills to a new level and keep a tally of 4 different types of people who enter our store: Cute Babies, Ugly Babies, My Future Wife/Wives, and kids I want to punch in the face. The fifth category of "Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt" was added specifically for one customer who came in and deserved some notice. Here's a breakdown of the results.

CUTE BABIES

Last night I saw 10 cute babies. That's so many cute babies! Cute babies are awesome, especially happy babies, like this one.

"I get fed and poop my pants! My life is awesome!"

Cute babies make me want to make a baby because I think I would make cute babies. This isn't about sex either. The natural way would make me wait 9 months, and I'm not feeling that. I'd rather find a Cute Baby vending machine, put in my $1.75 (yes, that's the going rate for a baby), press C7 and BOOOOOOMSHAKALAKA I gots me a little baby child!

UGLY BABIES

Last night I saw 2 ugly babies. Like, really ugly. One looked like a demon with an egg head and the other was  a red head who constantly had the "I smell poop" face. I looked that ginger baby right in the eyes while I wrote a tally under the "Ugly Baby" category. I think he knew what I was doing too.

"I have no soul."

FUTURE WIFE

Yes, I was willing to put down multiple tallies in this category if it came to it. If you know me at all, or if you've  ever read this blog before, you know I'm very dramatic and I exaggerate constantly. A beautiful girl walks by and I don't say "She's cute." Instead, I say something like "OH MY GOSH I'M IN LOVE AND I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER." That's why this category exists. Sadly, no one who came in was qualified for this title. So disappointing. In case you're wondering, my ideal future wife is some mix between Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood. "Dean, they're complete opposites." Yeah, I don't care. I want it.

#yesplease

I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR KID
We only had one of these. Pretty self-explanatory. If your child is screaming in public because they want more gummy worms, they deserve a solid right hook to the face plate from an adult, preferably me. Or maybe you're an awful parent who doesn't care about your evil demon spawn so YOU deserve the punch?! Yeah, probably.

Oh, I'll hit ya. I'll do it! LET'S DANCE JUNIOR!!!

Horrifying Woman in a Twilight Shirt
So. Freakin. Scary. She had maybe 2 teeth. Maybe. Probably in her 60's or a very weathered 50's. She was so loud and I could barely understand what she was saying (probably due to the lack of teefs). Her shirt said something like "Her scent is like a drug" or something else super lame and Twilighty. She was worth mentioning. I'm pretty sure my face looked like this the whole time I dealt with her:

That pretty much sums up the inner torment torment brought on me by this horrific woman. Terrible.





In conclusion, my job isn't very exciting, but in just one night I learned the following:

1) 1 out of 6 babies are ugly, which really isn't so bad
2) Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood are probably coordinating their schedules right now to come see me
3) Twilight fans are scary when they're young and wayyyy scarier when they're old

I'm just here to educate the world and show you all the quality life you could be having if you were me. Yeah, totally bro. Here's a creepy cat, courtesy of my friend Bre.

"No I'm not hiding anything behind this wall...."

The Single Man's Guide To Not Being a Creeper

This picture might be the funniest/scariest thing I've ever seen. But let's be real: no one likes a creeper. I don't claim to be an expert on THE LADIES but I do have a lot of girl friends (not to be confused with "girlfriends", of which I have none...in case you were wondering...ladies...) and a sister who LOVE sharing stories about the creepy guys they deal with. Don't want to be a subject of one of these conversations? Follow these tips.

1. Don't "like" all of her profile pictures.
It's weird. It's like saying "Hey I have no desire to have a conversation with you, but I'm lusting after your body from a distance." Not cute. Stop it.


2. Don't tell a girl she's "the one" unless she is.
If you're married, engaged, or almost engaged after a substantial adult relationship, go for it. It's cute, romantic, and if it's true I totally support it. If you've been dating a month, on your first date, never been on a date, or talking to a girl on Facebook chat that you randomly added because she's hot and you have 2 mutual friends, DON'T SAY IT. Her heart won't melt. It's creepy. You deserve every ounce of mace sprayed in your face, ya nutcase. (Totally freestyled there.)

3. One long, heartfelt text/message/voicemail  without a response is enough.
If you decide to spill your guts to your "dream girl" or try to ask her out via any of these forms of communication and she doesn't respond, STOP. Stop convincing yourself she's too busy to respond. Stop telling yourself she must not have gotten it. Stop pretending she didn't have her phone on her. She did. She got it broseph, and she's not interested. Move on.

4. Don't send random pics of yourself to a girl. 
Shirtless mirror pic or you flexing, she's not impressed. You're a tool. This is saying "I have no personality and nothing interesting to say but I'm a dumb guy and I think if you like my body you'll want to be with me." Guys, girls aren't as shallow as we are, and if a girl is, she's not girlfriend material.

5. Stop Bragging.
Stop bragging. Stop bragging. Stop bragging. STOP BRAGGING. No girl is sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to ride up to her house on his noble steed to tell her how much his car cost or how much he bench presses. You're an idiot. No one cares.

6. If she says she doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how flirty she is after. She meant it.
If you confess your love to a girl who shoots you down, and she flirts with you, kisses you, or whatever, it doesn't change anything. Females Males Human beings like attention. You can't blame them. If she cuddles with you during a scary movie after telling you she doesn't like you, SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If a girl changes her mind and feels like she made a mistake not giving you a chance, she'll tell you, I promise. (Sadly, this will probably happen after you've moved on and found someone else, but hey, we all want what we can't have.)



I could go on and on, but i feel like these are the most common "crimes" guys are guilty of. Just be yourself. Be funny, be nice, be genuinely caring and if she's interested, you'll know. There's a big difference between "being a man and taking initiative" and "trying to fit a square block in the round hole". This is the best advice I have to offer my fellow males, but if it doesn't work...just show them this.

She still won't like you but HOLY CRAP that's funny!

All You Need to Know About Harry Potter

In approximately 48 hours, I watched the first 7 Harry Potter movies. At about 2.5 hours each, that means I spent 17.5 hours watching little baby wizard children romp around a fantasy world...at the age of 25. No shame. No regrets. I dove head first into the story of Harry Potter and learned everything I could just in time to see the most recent release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 this past weekend. It was amazing and if I were capable of tears (too manly), I would have come close to waterworks a few times during the final chapter of this epic story. But, now it's over, and I'm here to enlighten you guys on all you really need to know about the Harry Potter Saga without spoiling anything. This could be tough.

Harry Potter

Has a scar on his head because he was an invincible baby. Starts off as a wimpy nerd with hipster glasses, ends the series pretty much the same way but a little more brave and/or stupid.

Hermione Granger


Starts off as a cute little book worm, ends as an older, very hot bookworm. Hallelujah.

Ronald Weasley


Starts off as a whiny ginger, ends as a whiny ginger on steroids. Somehow, Hermione is his girl. Boggles my mind.

Albus Dumbledore


Headmaster of Hogwarts. Awesome beard. Pretty much the man. Also, I don't care what J.K. Rowling says, he's not gay!! I mean, her initials are J. K. She's clearly just kidding.

Severus Snape


Kinda like the bad guy of the good guys? Or good guy of the bad guys? Just watch the movies. All that really matters is that he looks like he just got off tour with My Chemical Romance. EMO.

Draco Malfoy


Starts off as a punk, ends as a dbag. You'll hate him the second you see his big dumb face. I'm actually punching his face on my laptop screen between each word I'm typing.

Voldemort


Bad guy, obviously. He has no nose. No nose. Nostrils, yes. Nose, not so much. Straight up noseless. People are afraid to even say his name, even though when they do, nothing really happens.

Cedric Diggory


In one movie. SPOILER ALERT. He dies. Goes on to play some sparkly fairy or something. #twilightsucks









These are the main characters of the movie. There are other crucial characters, but you'll just have to watch the movies to learn about them. I can't tell you everything! Now for a few key words and terms you'll want to know:



Hogwarts: School for magicians and witches


Muggles: Non-magic people


Mudblood: Pretty much the "N word". Means you're not a pure blooded magician. Don't say it to Hermione. Trust.

Death Eaters: Bad guys. Pretty sure they don't actually eat death because that really doesn't make any sense.

Dementors: They'll pretty much suck your soul out of your face

Alright, you are now informed enough to watch the Harry Potter movies and actually know what the heck is going on. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Now go watch the movies, and love them. If you don't love them, I hate you. "But Dean, you don't know me." I don't care. You suck. To everyone who loves Harry Potter, I like you . I like you alot, and to show how much I like you, here's a HARRY POTTER KITTY!!!

"What it dooooo my Mudbloods?!"
(He's allowed to say it. You're not.)

Nickelback Is Everything I Hate About Music

Realistically this picture makes my case without having to use words, but I'm going to go ahead and write this blog anyway. Nickelback is the worst band ever. If you don't believe me, go to http://isnickelbacktheworstbandever.tumblr.com/ for proof. But if that's not enough, I'll provide a few key points on why they're awful and need to go away.

1. Throaty Vocals

Nickelback, along with their other bro-rock comrades like Godsmack, Seether, etc., sing with this deep, rough, throaty kind of style. It's as annoying as a 5 year old trying to get your attention to show you "a cool trick" which usually ends up being something dumb like slapping themself in the face or yelling "poopie!" and running away. Pretty awful. Maybe it's the "tough guy" way to sing, but it also makes me want to punch a kitten. 

2. It. All. Sounds. The. Same

Nickelback's breakout single "How You Remind Me" came out in 2001, 10 years ago. At the time I loved it, but I was also listening to Limp Bizkit then so clearly I was an idiot. (Sidenote: I will still rock out to "Rollin'" if it comes on. HARD.) But seriously, they sound EXACTLY like they did ten years ago. They found a formula that people eat up and makes them money and refuse to branch away from that. The most recent song I heard by them sounded like it could be off their first album. Terrible.

3. Power Stance

For those of you who don't know what the "power stance" is, it's this.

I don't care how many albums you've sold, you're not allowed to shove your junk in my face like that. Stop it. The "power stance" is supposed to let the crowd know how much you rock, but really it just says "I'm a tool bag."

4. That song "Rock Star" is so stupid.

It's a song by people living like rockstars basically telling everyone else they're dumb for wanting to be rockstars. Stupid.

5.  The Hair

No thank you, wannabe blonde Jesus. 

I hate Nickelback. Not as people, because I don't know them, but as a band, they need to stop. Now. PLEASE. Cue sad puppy.

"Why won't Nickelback stop making music? :'("