New Year, New You! But Not

Oh 2016, I've never felt so 2016 before! I DUNNO ABOUT SPLEEN, BUT I'M FEELING 2016!!!! (Idk what else rhymes with"sixteen.") This is the year. This is the chunk of 365, the span of 24s, the gaggle of 7s, your time to do ALL THE THINGS. 5 days ago you thought there were no good guys/girls left. But that was 5 days ago. Now, it's 2016, NONE days ago, and he/she is totally out there. Your passion for basket weaving you haven't pursued since you were 9? Doing it in 2016! That beach bod you want? Totally getting it this year. That promotion? Yeah, promote you to 2016!! (Again idk what that means.) KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 2016! <---- Sing to the tune of "Peaches and Cream."

Regardless of this hype train, you're probably not going to do all this stuff. You mean to, but you probably won't. Now, you've already seen the people who are dead inside post their status making fun of your positive outlook for the new year, and I'm not going to be another one.

"But you just said I'm probably not going to do all that?"

I know. That's realism. You're probably not...but you totally should and I hope you do! Yeah, the date doesn't matter except making you look like an IDIOT every time you write the date this whole month because you're still writing "2015", but besides that, it's the same life. But it's your life. Go live it. Maybe you can't get to all of it this year, but get to some of it! Weave the heck out of those baskets! You know that thing you think about doing every day? GO DO THAT THING! The New Year showed you everything you didn't do in 2015. You've got a whole year now to fix that. Go do it. Get it on...like Donkey Kong?

That's weird I'm sorry but you know what I meant.

That thing. THAT thing. Go do it. 2016, man. The year you do that thing. If this doesn't motivate you, here's a crap load of GIFs. That thing. Do it.

Picture Quotes That Need To Stop

I've found that my little niche with this blog is relationships (well, singleness) and social media. Not sure how I feel about that, but let's be real, what else is there to talk about? Oh you're married? Keep up the good work. You don't have Facebook? Great! You don't need it. It's stupid (he said, preparing to share this blog all over social media.)

So, single people are really good at using social media to let the world know all about their singleness. It goes together like this blog and cute animals. You can't go a day without a single person posting a saying or sharing a picture quote about relationships (because clearly they're the experts) and if we're honest, most of it is SUPER ANNOYING. So I've compiled a list of the ones that make me want to pull my hair out. Or your hair out. I'm not posting them. Lose YOUR hair. Psh.

Ohhhhh my gosh shut up. Seriously? I'm over here trying to find out how many days after shaving I can have the perfect stubble length for a first date so some girl can eventually find me tolerable enough for Date 2, meanwhile you're over there hoping I can redeem AN ENTIRE GENDER and makeup for every jerk you've ever dated, guys who you probably knew you shouldn't date anyway. But no, it's my fault and I've got to be the savior of all bachelors. Yeah, seems fair. SEEMS SO FAIR.

Um, how about NO Johnny? First of all, you're most famous for being a drunk pirate. Have you ever even been in a rom com? Who made you the Love Guru? Second, this is dumb. You're with someone for years. You're brushing your teeth and they're on the toilet next to you because that's just where life has brought you two. Then some dude shows up and looks nice and says some funny things, you go hang out with your long term BF and he's in sweatpants, and you think you're "in love" with new guy. No. Wrong. You've been with someone for years, meanwhile there's a sea of single people that can't even make it to a third date. Love is the real, dirty, walls-down "this is me at my worst and you love me anyway" kind of love. Not "Oh he's new and cool GIMME." Take THAT Jack Sparrow, ya dunce.

This isn't specifically about relationships, but I bet it's why you're single! This, or anything else involving "haters." Like, who do you think you are that people just sit around watching you and hating on you? What are you doing that's so hate-worthy? "Ugh the way she drinks Starbucks and goes to work and spends time with friends and family I HATE HER SO MUCH!!" Doubt it. Maybe people hate you because you post quotes like this and think you're better than everybody? You think? Maybe?!?

Turns out I already dedicated an entire blog last year to this one. Check it out here. But seriously guys aren't reading these and learning. We know you want us to treat you like a princess, we just don't think you are one so we don't. Not that we can't, we just don't, until we find someone we want to. So be nice. 

LAMEEEEEEEE. What is this, eBay?!? Trying to auction yourself off to the highest bidder? "Oh wow I didn't know they'd be so cute. Guess I want to date them after all!" Oh my goodness stop looking so desperate. If someone says something like this to you in real life and they didn't memorize it off a picture, that's cute. Kiss them. Right on the lippys. But if you're just posting this to try to make everyyyyy person think you're a catch, you're super lame. Also, there should be a PERIOD after "smile" and "know" should start a new sentence. So lame. The lamest, really. You're also probably the person that was complaining about your ex yesterday. Where's that quote, huh? Don't worry I made it for you.

Yeah, share that one so I know it's real. Maybe get off your computer and go be nice to someone if you're such a catch, you little love troll!

Ok I'm done. I hope I only offended the people that already know they need to get their crap together. Love you mean it! Don't be mad. 

Terrible Ways To Get a Significant Other Before the Holidays (That Might Work)

Well, you're still single. Thanksgiving is over so you already endured Round 1 of the "When are you going to settle down?" Olympic, but Round 2, the Christmas Round, this is where heroes are born and the weak crumble. This is where your singleness is truly tested. Your Mom's refrigerator is STOCKED with Christmas cards, full of newlyweds, young families, all the things she wants you to be that you're sooooo far from being. Your Facebook feed will be cranking out 3 to 17 engagements a day all up in your face, just reminding you where the bar is and how far you are below it. So now you're in a panic. Christmas is only about 2 weeks away. Time to make moves. So, I give you...

TERRIBLE WAYS TO GET A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS 

(THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK)

1. Download ALL the dating apps

ALL. Not one. "Oh I already have Tinder." No. Shut up. Child's play. You need a designated folder on your phone full of Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel (yeah it's a thing), ALL OF THEM. "Should I even have to pay for eHarmony and Match.com?" I don't know, are you reading this for fun or because YOU WANT RESULTS. "FarmersOnly?" Farmers haven't seen another human that's not related to them since Ma and Pa sent them to the market to buy milk from Ol' Mr. Withers. Get yourself a flannel and get the heck on there. You're gonna look like a hard 10 when to the rest of us know you're like a 6, maybe a 7 tops when you make an effort.

2. Make sure you don't make anyone feel special

Ok maybe you're out there already and you have some potential applicants around you. How do you seal the deal? Make sure they think you don't like them, OBVIOUSLY. There was a time you could grow a beard, build a girl a house, write her a letter every day, and she'd be all like "Aw kisses." NOT TODAY. Now it's "Too much" or "creepy" or "You need a zoning permit." The game has changed. Tables are turned. You want a girl to want you? Make her think you don't want her! Take a picture with another girl and post it as your #WCW (woman crush wednesday) and watch the texts FLOOD in. You want that guy to text you? Save a photo from any guy's Facebook page and post him as your #MCM (man crush monday) and I bet he hits you up with a "Hey sorry been so busy and I have arthritis so I couldn't take 5 seconds to text back." You know, that bologna. (Please read that as buh-LOG-nuh.) People don't want love, they want a challenge because their life is boring, and that my friend, is where YOU come in.

3. Um... Become more attractive?

I'm going to level with you, you've got two weeks. Not easy. Options are limited. Read some articles on GQ, hit the gym, start being a happy person that loves life, whatever you can muster. "Dean this isn't helping me be more attractive." LISTEN if there was a sure-fire way to be more attractive I would have done it by now and dating someone great and probably at a winery talking about the future instead of writing this stupid INCREDIBLY HELPFUL blog. Just like, be hot. Get your babe on. Go do it. Just, go on. Dobby is free now. 

4. Don't make Harry Potter References. You're a 29 year old man. Have some respect for yourself and be an adult. 

See above.

Well, if that didn't help you, I don't know what will. Maybe you're destined for another holiday season where you have to tell your family about all the things you accomplished, trips you took, passions you pursued, you know, all that crap no one cares about because you're single and not married. No one wants you to be happy and successful! They want you to be THEIR KIND OF HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. So put these things into practice and do what society tells you and get married ASAP. Then when you're married and have kids and own a home and you ask them "What's next?" and they say "Just die there's nothing else", you can smile with the satisfaction that you used your short time on this earth to make everyone think you did what you're supposed to. 

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Sorry that was me wiping off all the SARCASM THAT DRIPPED ONTO MY KEYBOARD.

Hey, you're single. Do what you want while you can. Live your life. You'll be fine. But save this blog for when you want to change that because it's going to turtley work. Turtley.

Girls and Football

For most of my life I've asked myself the age-old question: Do I want to date a girl that's into sports or not? Right? That question is totally age-old. Old as all the ages. I'm sure my parents spent many hours during their pre-marriage counseling wondering the same thing. How much will organized sports affect this eternal love?!

Well, if you don't know, I'm a Boston/New England sports fan living in Connecticut. Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, heck I even watch the New England Revolution soccer team (the 2 times a year they televise a game #angryemojiface.) Living in CT, you're on the front lines of the infamous Boston/New York battlefield. It's kinda the worst. So when you meet a girl here, you have a 50% chance that she hates your teams, if she cares at all. A 50% chance that when you say you like the Red Sox, she goes "EW OMG GROSS JETER IS BAE" because she doesn't know he retired (burn) and they post something like this on opening day.

I made that myself. You should be impressed. But anyway, now it's so much worse being a Patriots fan! Whether they care about sports or not, you mention Tom Brady WHO I LOVE SO MUCH and they're like "EW DIDN'T HE CHEAT OR SOMETHING" and I literally CAN'T EVEN. Like LITERALLY I will slap that pumpkin spice latte right onto your UGGs (WHO SPONSORS TOM BTW.)

Dashing. Just a stunning, handsome man. Wait, where was I? Oh right. LEAVE TOM OUT OF THIS.  You don't know he cheated. The NFL doesn't even know he cheated. Just stop, please. Say what you want about me, but leave my quarterback out of this!!!

 You probably don't even know what this meme is from!! Anyway, so these conversations have gotten old. Fast. Can I deal with a lifetime of Boston hate from the girl I'm with forever? I thought I could, but maybe I can't. But on the flip side, do I want a girl who also likes my teams? Do I actually want a girl that's going to be upset that the Red Sox pitching is SO BAD this year? Do I want a girl that's going to yell at the TV when Tukka Rask let's a stupid shot right at his chest trickle into the goal right after he basically did a headstand to stop a rocket to the net? UGH typical Rask. But I don't know that I want that either!

In truth, I don't think I want a girl that's just like me, but a girl that likes that I like what I like, and vice versa. Make sense? Like, I'm over there liking what I like and she's all like "I like that."

 I'm a pretty big personality (aka kind of annoying), so if I date someone that acts like I act and likes everything I like, the world might LITERALLY explode. Too much. Can't handle it. So I think I've found the perfect girl:

GIRL WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SPORTS BUT LIKES GOING TO GAMES BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND SHE HAS A REASON TO WEAR ONE OF MY JERSEYS OR SOMETHING.

She'll watch a game with you when she has nothing better to do, but doesn't mind if you go and watch it with the guys. When your team suffers a crushing loss (like the Bruins losing the Cup to the Blackhawks on that STUPID last minute goal), she'll have the emotional stability to tell me everything will be ok and play with my hair and tell me I'm pretty. She'll be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, and she'll even be into things that I never have been into, but I like them because they make her happy. And isn't that what it's all about? Doesn't everyone want that person that cares about them so much that they want you to enjoy the things that make you happy? I think that's it. AWWWWSOCUTE. So, to all you genuine sports-loving ladies, sports haters, and sports non-carers, keep it up. Do your thing. In reality, it probably doesn't matter. But if it does, you'll figure it out. Also, I literally love everything about this picture. Everything. LITERALLY.

Pizza and Why Dating Is (and Isn't) Hopeless.

HEEEYYYYYY first blog of 2015! My blogs may not be regularly posted or scheduled, but at least they're stupid and useless. HASHTAG OPTIMISM.

I enjoy talking about dating, being single, the effects that has on our social media, etc., so why not stick to what I know (or don't really know), ya know? Apparently everyone my age is single. EV. RY. ONE. My social media is flooded with Pinterest quotes about what guys should know about women and how much we suck. I get it. If anyone knows singleness, it's this guy right here. 29 years old and all my shortest relationships were my most recent ones. Apparently 18 year old Dean was better at relationships than 29 year old Dean. That's right, THIS guy. (Sorry Tom for dragging you into this.)

Yeah, I don't get it either. But facts are facts, so now you know.

So now I'm on this long stretch of not being in a relationship, the family is concerned, Mom is trying to hook me up with every girl within 5 years of my age that breathes, my sister threatened if I didn't cash in on a Match.com Groupon she would make a profile for me, and I'm pretty sure my Grandmother thinks I'm gay. (She was super nice about it when she implied it so that was nice of her.)

All that is to say, I'm probably the only person NOT concerned about my love life. I've been down to hang out with girls, had some fun nights out that were good but there wasn't really that "spark" I'm looking for, met some really great people that I liked, just didn't LIKE. Not the best results, but not the worst!

Ladies on the other hand have to date guys, and we can be terrible. This is going to start like I'm making excuses for guys, but I'm not. Follow me here. If a girl isn't interested in a guy, she's out. Boom. Simple. We males on the other hand, I think we like a consolation prize. Like "Hey, she's not the one, but she's cool and cute so she can be the one for now." So after the date they're still down to cuddle, flirt, maybe even...

...get what I'm saying? So girls think "all guys want is one thing..." and they're right... it's pizza. But it's not that guys only want pizza, we also love that long-term girl who can provide so much more than pizza, but it's much easier to commit to a pizza for however long the pizza lasts than to sign up for that "THIS COULD BE FOREVER" situation.

I'M USING PIZZA AS AN ANALOGY FOR CASUAL OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS.

Guys don't only want one thing. Every guy will meet a girl and think "OH MAN THIS IS REAL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THESE ARE FEELINGS AND I'M FEELING THEM." Then we freak out and start word-vomiting everything we think a long-term girl deserves to know like "I LIKE YOU AND THIS COULD BE FOREVER AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE A GOOD FATHER AND I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE YET BUT FOR YOU I COULD AND I HAVE BAGGAGE AND GOD IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME AND THAT'S PROBABLY WEIRD AHHHH!" Basically like this:

So now instead of the guy that doesn't talk to you enough, doesn't take things seriously enough, etc., you're dealing with this babbling, emotional nut job and you're all like:

And then you run away and we're all like:

We're boys. We're dumb. The middle-ground has never been our strength. But I'm just saying when a guy thinks it's real, he'll treat it like it's real. If he doesn't, well, run. Immediately. Easier said than done though. There's always THIS battle:

So dating is annoying and complicated and we all hate it, and it feels hopeless, right? Well it's not. Here's why.

Yes, you keep meeting the "wrong" person. AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. That's why the RIGHT one, who is totally out there looking for you, too, is the right person. Not perfect, not flawless, but RIGHT, and not right for everyone, but right for you! That's the point! If every other guy/girl could be the one you're with forever, then that's not very special, is it? There's a lot of people in this world. Most of them you shouldn't be with, and that's fine. Just remember how much this "dating" phase sucks when you do find that one.

Fast forward to years into marriage. Life changes, you know every flaw this person has. You're with eachother day in and day out and they can annoy you like no one else on earth can. But you know what? In a time where you wouldn't even give most people a second date, this person got a third, a fourth, a fifth date. Then you decided to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you wanted your friends and family to meet them. Then they proposed and you said YES. That's crazy! You got to the point where they offered you FOREVER, a terrifying thought in the past, and you actually said yes! So maybe all these failed dating experiences, all the guys that sucked, the girls that think "some other girl will be really lucky to have you", they're all there to show you just how special the RIGHT one is. They'll be there the rest of your life to remind you that yes, your spouse isn't perfect, and no one is, but compared to everyone else, they sure were close, miles ahead of the curve, and that's why you actually said yes. Turns out all those people you didn't love or didn't love you back make real, true, selfless love so incredibly amazing. So keep your head up. This is part of it, and if you keep the right attitude, the story could end exactly how you want it to.

Maybe Grandma is on to something. This was too sappy. I'm still super single so if all this is wrong, don't get mad at me. I'm trying!! And now I want pizza. NO NOT THAT PIZZA REALLY A REAL ACTUAL PIZZA.

Daylight Savings Time Is The WORST

"Oh yay! We get an extra hour of sleep!" WRONG. I've been waking up every morning at 6-7am for no reason just staring at my window wondering who had this terrible idea. So yeah, I got an extra hour Sunday, but now I'm losing an hour of sleep every day this week while my body figures out what the heck I did to it. Even in a straight up trade of losing an hour later to gain one now, I'll pass. 

Extra hour of sleep: still tired.

Lose an hour of sleep: kill everything.

Can I vote for that today? "Hey both guys running for governor are pretty awful, so I'm just voting to get rid of DST." I think I can do that. Who does the government think they are anyway?! Just going to change how time works like that's a thing. How about no?!

 Any decision that makes me wish the sun didn't exist, ya know, that thing that gives us warmth and light and life, can not be a good decision. I did some wiki research and basically no one has ever been sold on this idea. Presidents said "No I don't like it" and got vetoed by congress. So much for blaming everything on Obama. 

Anyway, this is terrible, and I'm sick of eating lunch with a headlamp on and retiring to an Alaska-like hibernation every afternoon, and then at 6am the sun is all "OHHH YEAH" barging through my window like the Kool Aid Man. Now it's 7am and I'm blogging. This is not a life I wanted. No one asked me about this decision, and I hate it, so yeah, my clocks will be going back to how they were and you can all just deal with me being an hour early to everything until March. I just want my sleep back!!

My Guide to Better Halloween Costumes

Smells like updog in this blog. What's up dog?! Those dogs! Ha. I don't know how to do jokes. Happy Halloween kiddos. Today, I'm going to show you all how to take a few typical costumes and make them SUPER AWESOME. Let's go.

Ghost

Put a sheet over your head and cut out eye holes. Ghost. But, what if you cut out a neck hole? Then a hole for arms? Then cut the sheet so it stops right below your waist?! Then you have a stylish and trendy ghost costume, or what some would call "a shirt."

Vocation

So you want to be a teacher/fireman/policeman. Very admirable. Classic. Now ladies, here's an idea. Be that, but make everything way too short and way too tight. That way people will value you for your creativity and innovation instead of just admiring your body. You'll attract the classiest of suitors and be engaged in 3 months, tops. 

Zombie 

Zombies are all the rage, ever since that zombie show got so popular, "The View." Sure, you could pay for a costume or get elaborate makeup, but who has time for that? For best results, don't eat, drink, or sleep for 4 months prior to costume night, then go to a party looking like death and eat your friends. 

Guy Who Doesn't Dress Up

So you don't like to dress up. That's cool. You're just going to wear your normal clothes, and that's fine. Now here's the spin to make it even better: don't go to the party I'm at because you're awful and I don't like you.

Animal

I like animal costumes. Totally being a penguin this year and MY GOSH I look adorable. But do you know how you kick it up a notch? Weapons. OBVIOUSLY. A cow with a machine gun. A mouse with swords. Or completely flip things around and dress like a grenade and throw cats at people. Now no one even knows what the heck is going on and your friend "isn't allowed to bring their weird friend to their party again." That's you. The weird friend. They may not like you, but you can bet your slingshot-wielding donkey they'll respect you.

Anything Plus Second Language

"Oh cool, you're a vampire."

"Yes."

"Having fun?"

"Sí"

"OH MY GOSH A BILINGUAL VAMPIRE?! Everyone get in here and check out this cool guy!"

That's how that will go. Every time. For even better results: trilingual. But stretch first. Gotta limber up. Can't go pulling a hammy pre-party.

So there you have it! Everyone is going to see your improved costume and be all like "Wow, way to go the extra mile, you go-getter. You so fly. All these hunnies are totes feelin' your vibe." Because that's how people talk. So go out, have fun, and drink and drive because it's terrible. Happy Halloween!