Irene, You Kinda Suck

Hey Irene! NOBODY LIKES YOU, you big dumb hurricane jerk face. That's why we named you Irene, because it's the name of gross old women that nobody likes.

Typical Irene

No offense to any Irene's out there, but the name just isn't pretty. So let's list out why we hate Irene.

1. Your name is ugly

Yes, we just mentioned this, but Irene is a gross, crappy name. I think of Hurricane Irene and I think of the woman pictured above, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and....and...well rain and wind. 

"I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on them homesssss" (Get it?? Homes? HA)

2. No one invited you!

You know that annoying friend who always stops by whenever you're laying down for a nap? Or the family member who calls right as you sit down for dinner? Or the guy who texts you on a Friday night and asks you to be invited to whatever you're doing? Yeah, Irene is all of those in one. GO HOME. Nobody wants you here, ya big dumb beast, kinda like Steve Urkel.

"Did I do that???"

Yeah, Steve, ya did, and Carl Winslow is gonna beat the crap out of you.

3. You were just here in 1999!!

Yeah. Little known fact, we already had a visit from Irene in 1999. She killed 18 people and did $800 million in damages! Would you invite that person back to your country? Heck to the no! 9 people and $300 million in damages, yeah, maybe I can get past that, but I can not afford to have friends who cost me that much money!! Go. Away. You. Suck.

4. You're ruining my Earthquake Survival Plan!!!

If you've already read the blog before this, my East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide, you know that I have a VERY organized plan on how to deal with the earthquake we just had, and YOU ARE RUINING IT! Megan, Mandy, and Carrie aren't gonna watch me accept my new role as World Leader if it's raining out! It'll ruin their hair! Bieber isn't going to help me shoot the earthquake in the face if it's raining out! It'll ruin his hair too! YOU SUCK SO HARD IRENE! I wish you were never born.

I WANT THIS AND YOU RUINED IT!!! :'(

Long story short, Irene is kind of a B word, and no one wants her here. Go terrorize the North Pole where there are no people. The penguins are bored and they could use some excitement. Go away!

"LEAVE THE EAST COAST ALONE!!!"

                                                    

YAY VISITORS YAY!

I hate Irene. She is not my friend. All the free baked goods in the world couldn't salvage this relationship. Stop scaring us!!!

AHHHH SCARY HURRICANE HORSE!!!

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.

Boo, the World's Cutest Dog aka Why You're Single part II

Have you seen this freakin' dog?!?!?! His name is Boo, and he has over 3 million views on YouTube by staring at a camera and being adorable. Ok, adorable doesn't quite cut it. He's probably the most precious thing on the face of this planet. As soon as I watched this video I just started throwing all my cash, credit cards, and material belongings at the screen, trying to give them to him. I will not be happy until Boo is mine!! So why is this blog also labeled "Why You're Single part II"? Let me explain. You are single because:

1) You Aren't Boo

If you were Boo, everyone would want you all the time regardless of gender, race, or sexual preference. Why? Boo is awesome.

2) You Don't Own Boo

If Boo was your dog, you COULD sit inside all day and have a line of men/women outside your door waiting to see you, despite what I said in the original "Why You're Single" blog. Why? BECAUSE BOO IS AWESOME!

3) You Don't Know Boo

Even if you just knew Boo, you'd be cooler than 99% of the population. Heck, if you pet him once or just see him from a distance you're still 10x more awesome than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Why?!?!?! BECAUSE BOO IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I want Boo. I NEED Boo. Now. Please. Get me Boo!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH BOO AS A PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Why You're Single

Single? Don't want to be? I'll tell you why you are and what you need to fix to change that. (*DISCLAIMER* I wrote half a blog giving genuine advice on why people are still single, erased it because no one really cares about my opinions, and I am now rewriting this in my usual sarcastic way. Kaboom.)

1. YOU ARE CRAZY
Yup, you're crazy. Some guy led you on, your ex girlfriend cheated on you, Harry Potter cast the "Riddikulus" spell on you, whatever. Now you're legitimately mental. It happens to all of us. The opposite sex has a way of literally destroying your brain, and now that you've seen that in action, you assume every person of the opposite sex is out to get you. Granted, some of them are, but when someone is giving you attention for the right reasons, it's obvious. Girls, once you realize a guy is being genuine, you'll take the logical next step: tell him "You're too nice" and move on to some douche bag who's already cheated on you 80 times. Boo. Yah.

2. YOU ARE TOO PICKY
The more time you spend single, the more time you have to figure out what you "need" in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. You put a lot of thought into what you want, so when you meet someone who doesn't perfectly line up with that, you can't wrap your brain around being with them because they aren't what you've imagined being with. Granted this doesn't apply to me. I am legitimately going to be with Mandy Moore or Megan Fox in the near future so I have the right to be picky. #delusional

See? Told ya. But for the rest of you, step out of the fairy tale you made in your mind and date someone because they're a good person and will treat you right and you enjoy their company, not because they dress how you like them too.

Score.

3. YOU ARE NOT PICKY ENOUGH
You have a new significant other every month because you hate being alone and you have low self esteem and you'll be with anyone who makes you feel special. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's true. If your Facebook statuses alternate between "OMG I'M SO IN LOVE" and "Why does this always happen to me? :'(", you're clearly doing something wrong. I'm not saying you need to try to marry every person you date, but if you know you're NOT going to marry them, why bother? Break ups suck, no matter which end of them you're on. Just ask Cory and Topanga.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH IT SUCKED WHEN THEY BROKE UP?!?!? CORY WAS A MESS! IT WAS SO SAD! I NEVER WANT TO RELIVE THAT AGAIN!!!! 


Ok sorry, I'm done. But for real, that was so sad.

4) YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
Believe it or not guys, there isn't a line of girls outside your house waiting to meet you while you're inside playing Xbox with the guys. Girls, as fun as your girls nights are where you sit around and drink Franzia and talk about your new shoes and how much you hate your friends who are happily in a relationship, they aren't going to make you any less single. Go outside. Meet people. Strike up conversations. I'm not saying go on the prowl and try to mate with everything you see, but make friends! Maybe the new friends can become more than that, or maybe your new friend has a friend that you're going to fall in love with. LIVE A LITTLE. Go out and have fun while you're still young enough to control your bowels.

Good for you, Larry!!!




In conclusion, we all have our own problems, hang ups, demons, insecurities, and whatever else that's keeping us from being vulnerable and letting someone love us. If we don't get over them, life is going to pass by really quick and you'll wonder where all the cats in your house came from...and your cat sweater...and your cat posters...do you see where I'm going with this??

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Ok, but to all of you who are still single and just need some love and affection, this hug's for you!!!

MONKEY HUGGGGG!!!!

Bad Kissers

WOOHOOOOOO I LOVE KISSING. It's the best. You've had a nice evening with a beautiful girl, you're standing on the porch saying goodnight, you lean in and BAM. Fireworks. It feels like her lips are the Ying to your Yang, like they were one whole piece separated and now brought together by your love. AWWWWWW. Kissing is fun. But how about this scenario: you lean in for that kiss and you feel like your mouth just entered World War III and you're fighting for dear life just to get home and tell your Momma you love her.Yeah, THAT sucks. Bad kissers still exist no matter how old you get. It's awful. I'm not claiming to be a pro, but I know I don't suck at it. I have gigantic lips that can probably lift more weight than I could bench pressing and we've learned to work well together. (TMI? Probably. Don't be mad.)

That was mainly an excuse to show you this ridiculous picture of me and my buddy Brian, but seriously, they're gigantic. It makes no sense. They account for about 72% of my body weight. #fact. BUT ANYWAY let's talk about different kinds of bad kissers and what they need to fix.

TONGUE SAMURAIS
You know the theory that if you can unwrap a Starburst with your tongue, you're a good kisser? WRONG. Have you seen someone do that? Can you imagine that happening to your mouth?! Pretty sure you'd be immediately hospitalized and need a solid 4-6 months of physical therapy after. Kissing is done with your lips. If you wanna throw in some tongue, go for it, but lets keep it classy and stick to 85% to 90% lips. We're not slaying dragons here kids.

BITERS
OUCH. Stop it. Playful nibble, ok, but my lips are not a 16oz sirloin so don't tear into them like they are. Any more pressure than what you'd use to hold a pen between your teeth while you do Algebra homework is too much. I shouldn't wake up with a fat lip like I just made my first appearance in the UFC octagon.

FACE SMASHERS
"Oh I'm sorry I thought we were kissing. I didn't realize my face just entered the 47kg weight division for Olympic Wrestling." Not sure why girls feel the need to press their face into mine to the point of having to regain my balance, but it happens, and it's scary. I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS BECAUSE WE LIKED EACH OTHER?!? :'(

OPEN MOUTHERS
Holy. Crap. Close. Your. Mouth. If you're opening your mouth any more than you would when talking at a normal volume, it's too much.

Nobody wants to kiss this! Please close your mouth. We're trying to express our love with our lips. We're not playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. But we can play that after since that game is SO fun. I CALL THE ORANGE HIPPO!!!!

Bad kissers are no bueno. Not fun and it can honestly be a deal breaker. No one wants to date a gross kisser! So if you fall into any of these categories, please fix your technique so you don't get stuck owning 30 cats and dying alone. (Yes, I'm exaggerating.)