My Guide to Better Halloween Costumes

Smells like updog in this blog. What's up dog?! Those dogs! Ha. I don't know how to do jokes. Happy Halloween kiddos. Today, I'm going to show you all how to take a few typical costumes and make them SUPER AWESOME. Let's go.

Ghost

Put a sheet over your head and cut out eye holes. Ghost. But, what if you cut out a neck hole? Then a hole for arms? Then cut the sheet so it stops right below your waist?! Then you have a stylish and trendy ghost costume, or what some would call "a shirt."

Vocation

So you want to be a teacher/fireman/policeman. Very admirable. Classic. Now ladies, here's an idea. Be that, but make everything way too short and way too tight. That way people will value you for your creativity and innovation instead of just admiring your body. You'll attract the classiest of suitors and be engaged in 3 months, tops. 

Zombie 

Zombies are all the rage, ever since that zombie show got so popular, "The View." Sure, you could pay for a costume or get elaborate makeup, but who has time for that? For best results, don't eat, drink, or sleep for 4 months prior to costume night, then go to a party looking like death and eat your friends. 

Guy Who Doesn't Dress Up

So you don't like to dress up. That's cool. You're just going to wear your normal clothes, and that's fine. Now here's the spin to make it even better: don't go to the party I'm at because you're awful and I don't like you.

Animal

I like animal costumes. Totally being a penguin this year and MY GOSH I look adorable. But do you know how you kick it up a notch? Weapons. OBVIOUSLY. A cow with a machine gun. A mouse with swords. Or completely flip things around and dress like a grenade and throw cats at people. Now no one even knows what the heck is going on and your friend "isn't allowed to bring their weird friend to their party again." That's you. The weird friend. They may not like you, but you can bet your slingshot-wielding donkey they'll respect you.

Anything Plus Second Language

"Oh cool, you're a vampire."

"Yes."

"Having fun?"

"Sí"

"OH MY GOSH A BILINGUAL VAMPIRE?! Everyone get in here and check out this cool guy!"

That's how that will go. Every time. For even better results: trilingual. But stretch first. Gotta limber up. Can't go pulling a hammy pre-party.

So there you have it! Everyone is going to see your improved costume and be all like "Wow, way to go the extra mile, you go-getter. You so fly. All these hunnies are totes feelin' your vibe." Because that's how people talk. So go out, have fun, and drink and drive because it's terrible. Happy Halloween! 

5 Tips to Avoid Ebola From a Guy Who Knows Nothing About Ebola

Had a little medical "procedure" today. Nothing to be concerned about/involving ebola, but the anesthesia is still wearing off so this blog is going to be extra great (stupid)!

So, I don't know much about Ebola but I know it's totes the worst. I think it's when an arctic fox sneaks into your bed at night and rubs his tail on your face and creates an alternate universe in your tummy where arctic foxes rule and we are their slaves? Sounds awful. Here's how to avoid it.

1. Stop Buying Canned Ebola

Yes, I know, canned food is cheap and convenient, but it's bad for you, especially when it's Ebola. Don't give into Walmart's 2-for-1 deal, as tempting as it is. Try Spam instead. Not only is it a trusted name, it's also not Ebola.

2. Punch It In the Nose or Gills

When swimming in open waters with a bleeding wound, you're bound to attract some Ebolas. Stay calm, and when the Ebola approaches you, punch it firmly in the nose or gills and swim away as fast as you can. If you have the ability to grow a mermaid tail for increased speed, this is a great time to use that skill. Also, that's cool. Be my friend.

3. Never Leave Your House Until You Die

Get a BJ's or Costco membership. Buy all the foods. All. Quit your job. Pay extra for HBO and other premium channels. Learn to play accordion. Do a few crosswords. Repeat until you aren't alive anymore and/or you are dead.

4. Avoid Travel to Ebola

Ebola is the capital of Nebraska, which is the capital of Tulsa. Don't go there. Too much Ebola. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe take an astronomy class. *condescedning eye roll*

5. Do Everything They Did In the Movie "Armageddon"

Remember that movie? So good. I DON'T WANNA CLOSEEEEE MY EYESSS, I DON'T WANNA GETTT EBOLAAAA. Love The Stones man. Killed that song. KIDDING. I know Depeche Mode sang that. So yeah, find some guys who can drill for oil. Teach them to be astronauts. Obviously this is easier than teaching an astronaut how to drill. (Apparently Ben Affleck actually brought this point up but was told to shut his mouth. Saw that on the Internet somewhere.) So yeah, once they master the art of Astronautology, send them into space to land on the Ebola and blow it up. Then marry Liv Tyler while a picture of everyone that died up there watches you, because that's totally not creepy and awkward. See link:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LCPZWkzMYEc

So there ya go! The choice for me, Ebola free. Stay classy San Diego. Gonna take a nap now. Smooches.

If I Went On Shark Tank

We've all seen Shark Tank. We all love Shark Tank. Smart people with great ideas go on there and you think "Why didn't I think of that?!" Then a woman goes on there and talks about how she invented gloves for her cats and she calls them "Cittens" because it's a mix of "cat" and "mittens" and doesn't realize that it's confusing that it just looks like she misspelled "kittens" which is already a complete word for cats by itself. Then they ask how much she's made already, she says nothing, her husband says he's $2 million in the hole and they say he's dumb, the wife cries, and we all collectively shake our heads. Like this. SMH. Now if I went on there, things would be different.

I waltz in and I'm all like "Hello. My name is Dean Purificato." Calm. Still. Cool. I scan the room and THANK GOD Barbara is there instead of Lori because MY GOODNESS Lori is so mean! Just ripping people to shreds and I'm all

QVC seemed like such a happy place until I got to know her. Now it makes me nervous. 

So now I unveil my product: the ZOOMBA. It's like a Roomba, but FASTER. "Dean...Zumba is a thing already and you already made fun of the "Cittens lady..." Guys, just stop. ZOOMBA is taking over so you can get on board or step aside.

So Herjavec asks me how much I want and I say "You seem nice Robert. We can be friends, but no one comes on this show to work with you. I'm OUT." Barbara asks me to be her boyfriend. I politely decline. Daymond is laughing at my idea already so before he can say anything I say "Oh FUBU? The brand we totally forgot about until you came on here and reminded us you started it? OUT." Mr. Wonderful offers me $10 million for 5% because he's smart. Cuban counters with $15 million for 5%. I say I need a minute, step out into the hallway, and call my family at home on my ZOOMBA. Oh yeah, ZOOMBA is also a smart phone. TAKE THAT HATERS. So I tell my family I'm rich, they're all so happy for me and my parents tell me I'm finally the second favorite sibling and hang up on me. Gosh. Sweet, sweet victory. Love this show. Love my new ZOOMBA life. 

Thank you, Shark Tank. In conclusion, here's a cat in a shark costume riding a Roomba and chasing a baby duck.

Why Your "Real Man" Quotes are Kind of Dumb

I'm back! Back in action. KAPOW. Like an old cartoon you enjoyed as a kid, remade into a big-budget Michael Bay film, sans explosions, or for our Spanish readers, "sans explosions," because I don't speak Spanish. Let's kick it.

We all know some basic girl who is constantly drowning your newsfeed with pictures of a good looking dude holding a good looking girl with a quote giving you advice on how to be a "real man," advice you totally didn't ask for. Why is she doing this? Because her ex was a scumbag, she's not over him, and she's being passive aggressive. So there's that. Then 1,000 other basic white girls put down their PSLs and lace up their Ugg boots...or...puff their puff balls on their Ugg boots...whatever weird accessory they have, idk. ANYWAY. They all just share and like each other's pictures and are all "omg this is so true. I wish SOMEBODY would read this" or "<3 this" (which I choose to read as "Less than three this" because math jokes are funny.

 

So yeah, that's annoying. You know who's NOT diving into the bowels of the Internet to find your Pinterest board because he wants a picture of lilacs to tell him how to be a better guy? YOUR SCUMBAG EX BOYFRIEND. Obviously. So you all get a zero in Marketing 101 for being awful at appealing to your target demographic. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Goose Egg, or literally this goose's egg.

Goose's? Gooses? Geesen? Whatever. I'll take it from him and give it to you.

In short, your quotes are dumb and they don't work. Want a guy to be a real man? Maybe don't just sit there being his awesome girlfriend that bends over backwards for him while he treats you like hot garbage. Maybe say "Hey you're not nice. This is over k thx bye." Maybe that will be more effective. Maybe. Just maybe. 

Love you all. It's good to be back. Pumpkin Guinea Pig.

If you're going to post "selfies", do it right!

I'm losing the battle of "selfies are kinda stupid" so instead, I've decided to help. I work full time at a photography studio and part of my job is the infamous SENIOR PORTRAIT. My job is to take awkward teenagers, make them feel more awkward by taking their picture, and then make them look good and relaxed. It can be rough, but let me use my skills to help you look less bad shooting your selfies.

1. Ladies, only let us see one shoulder
You know who wants broad shoulders? Dudes. Why? It's masculine. You want to look feminine. So, turn your body a little.

"Where did my body go??"

2. Perspective

It's all about the "angles". Shoot from below, your body looks bigger than your head. 

Girls, you don't want this.

Shoot from above, your body looks smaller because your head looks bigger.

Flattering for the ladies, slimming for the dudes.

This is a little much. No one cares what you look like from space.

3. The Duck Face is dumb

That's all.

4. Dudes, flex your traps, don't shrug your shoulders.

Shrugging your actual shoulders is a sign of being uncomfortable, so don't do it. Just flex your traps and keep your shoulders relaxed.

HULKAMANIA!

5. More skin DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SMALLER

Some girls think "I'm a little curvy, I'll dress like a hooker and look smaller." WRONG. Clothes will slim you, skin will not.

I don't look big no matter what I do, but this certainly doesn't make me look smaller, especially if i had big flappy triceps. Don't do it ladies. Guys, SUN'S OUT GUNS OUT. Tank tops fah dayzzzz.

That's all folks. Don't post selfies, because you're an adult and it's dumb, but if you're going to, at least let me help you look your best.

Why You Don't Have A Valentine

Wondering why "everyone" has a special someone today and you don't? I'd love to tell you! Buckle up your seat belts, kids. 

1. You're Probably Trying Too Hard

If you're constantly LOOKING for someone to date, then you're probably never going to FIND someone to date. Yeah. For real. If you meet people and are just trying to see if they could be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're not actually seeing them for who they are as a person. You're just seeing them for what they can bring to your life, and that is super obvious and super annoying. Knock it off!

2. You're Probably Really Annoying

I have two, semi-subconscious lists in my head: "Girl's I'll Never Date" and "Girls I Haven't Decided I Wouldn't Date". If you're super annoying, especially about relationships and how "boys suck" and how you're "so lonely", you probably hold a strong spot on that first list. That crap is annoying. If you think retweeting Drake is going to make your ex change his/her mind and date you again, you are wrong, and kinda stupid. A Poem:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Holy crap you're annoying

I'm hiding you on Facebook

"Whatever! Who says I want to date you anyway??" -Random female reader that this part totally applies to.

3. You Have Standards

Maybe you actually like your life. Maybe you realize you're worth something, even if you're not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you have a life you love and passions you pursue. Maybe you realize God loves you and has an awesome plan for your life and can use you in HUGE ways, even if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you're willing to date someone when it's right, but realize you have a good life, single or taken, and are going to wait until you meet the person who challenges you and brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. 

If that's you, you win.

If you're looking for a relationship for what you get, you lose. 

That's why no one getting married says that they're getting someone's life. No, they're giving theirs. That's what it's about. True Love is being willing to give up your own happiness for the other person, and until you're happy as a single person, you won't be able to do that. So...fix yo' self. 

                                                        VALENTINE HAMSTER!

Don't you kinda want to kiss his face a little? No? Yeah me neither. SMOOCH.

Why "Dating" Is Dead

The full title of this post is actually "Why 'Dating' Is Dead and We Are All Going To Die Alone" but it didn't really fit.  Let me paint a picture of what dating WAS, and then we'll compare it to what it IS.

WHAT DATING WAS

Imagine a diner in the 50's, and if you don't know what that is, imagine an episode of Happy Days. Four girls in poodle skirts are sitting at the table, eating burgers and drinking a milkshake while "The Twist" is playing on a nearby jukebox. Four guys then walk into the diner and spot the four poodle skirt wearing ladies. One guy says "Oh golly, that's Wendy Peffercorn from English class!" His bros pull out a wet comb, help him style his hair and straighten his cardigan. He walks over to the table of girls and says "Hey Wendy, I'm Richie Cunningham from English class." (Yeah, I get I'm mixing Happy Days with the Sandlot. Stick with me.) Wendy's girlfriends giggle and scatter, allowing Richie to sit with Wendy, chat her up for a little while, and then ask her on a date that Friday. HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART. He's asking her on a date because HE LIKES HER. If she says "yes", it means SHE LIKES HIM. Get it? Ok. She says "yes".Where's the date? THE SAME DINER, and she's cool with it. They hang out and talk all night. If things go well, they drive up to Inspiration Point and do a little "necking", which is apparently what we now call "making out", but when I hear it I think of this:

Kinda weird. Anyway, if things go well, they repeat the same drill, maybe meet their friends at the county fair or something, and booyah, relationshipped.

WHAT DATING IS (Clean Version)

At some point in time, scummy guys realized that buying a girl dinner seemed to "earn" them a makeout. Girl thinks "Oh he bought me dinner, he likes me, so we can makeout." Scummy Guy thinks "I'm gonna makeout." Makeout happens, Scummy Guy is over it, girl waits for call, call never happens, Girl cries, Scummy Guy moves on. Ouch. Now Girl feels like a "woman of the night" because a Scummy Guy basically just paid her to makeout with him.

Girl now has more walls than Jericho because she got taken advantage of by Scummy Guy. Nice Guy comes around, asks to take her out to dinner. Girl doesn't really like Nice Guy, but she hasn't been on a date in awhile and likes free meals. Girl says yes to the date. Nice Guy takes her out. This time, Girl is NOT making out with Nice Guy. He drops her off at home and they end the night with a sweet "high five". Girl feels empowered, also thinks Nice Guy was "kinda boring" or "too nice". Nice Guy calls. Girl ignores call and leaves him hanging. Next day, Nice Guy sends a text. Girl still doesn't respond because another guy is taking her out tomorrow.

NOW, Nice Guy is hurt and guarded. "Why would Girl go out with me if she doesn't like me?" Nice Guy realizes he wasted money and a night out on a girl who didn't actually like him back. Nice Guy meets Nice Girl, who actually likes him. They exchange numbers. Nice Guy realizes last time he put himself out there and "wined and dined" a girl, he got burned, so Nice Guy asks Nice Girl if he can just come to her place and watch a movie. Nice Girl says "yes", because she actually likes Nice Guy and just wants to see him. Nice Guy comes over, they have fun, and he goes home. He thinks to call her, remembers when he got burned by Girl, and waits a day. Nice Girl wants to talk to him, so she texts Nice Guy first. Now Nice Guy makes a comparison:

Takes Girl out on nice date = Never hears from her again

Has casual hangout with Nice Girl = She initiates next conversation

Nice Guy now thinks "casual hangouts" are more successful and less risky than official "dates". 

NICE GUY NEVER TAKES A GIRL ON A DATE AGAIN AND NOW GIRLS THINK GUYS AREN'T ROMANTIC ANYMORE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ALONE. 

Moral of the story is: If we all treat "dates" like they don't mean anything, then they stop meaning anything.

Get it? You're welcome. Dating is dead. Puffy animal.