All You Need to Know About Harry Potter

In approximately 48 hours, I watched the first 7 Harry Potter movies. At about 2.5 hours each, that means I spent 17.5 hours watching little baby wizard children romp around a fantasy world...at the age of 25. No shame. No regrets. I dove head first into the story of Harry Potter and learned everything I could just in time to see the most recent release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 this past weekend. It was amazing and if I were capable of tears (too manly), I would have come close to waterworks a few times during the final chapter of this epic story. But, now it's over, and I'm here to enlighten you guys on all you really need to know about the Harry Potter Saga without spoiling anything. This could be tough.

Harry Potter

Has a scar on his head because he was an invincible baby. Starts off as a wimpy nerd with hipster glasses, ends the series pretty much the same way but a little more brave and/or stupid.

Hermione Granger


Starts off as a cute little book worm, ends as an older, very hot bookworm. Hallelujah.

Ronald Weasley


Starts off as a whiny ginger, ends as a whiny ginger on steroids. Somehow, Hermione is his girl. Boggles my mind.

Albus Dumbledore


Headmaster of Hogwarts. Awesome beard. Pretty much the man. Also, I don't care what J.K. Rowling says, he's not gay!! I mean, her initials are J. K. She's clearly just kidding.

Severus Snape


Kinda like the bad guy of the good guys? Or good guy of the bad guys? Just watch the movies. All that really matters is that he looks like he just got off tour with My Chemical Romance. EMO.

Draco Malfoy


Starts off as a punk, ends as a dbag. You'll hate him the second you see his big dumb face. I'm actually punching his face on my laptop screen between each word I'm typing.

Voldemort


Bad guy, obviously. He has no nose. No nose. Nostrils, yes. Nose, not so much. Straight up noseless. People are afraid to even say his name, even though when they do, nothing really happens.

Cedric Diggory


In one movie. SPOILER ALERT. He dies. Goes on to play some sparkly fairy or something. #twilightsucks









These are the main characters of the movie. There are other crucial characters, but you'll just have to watch the movies to learn about them. I can't tell you everything! Now for a few key words and terms you'll want to know:



Hogwarts: School for magicians and witches


Muggles: Non-magic people


Mudblood: Pretty much the "N word". Means you're not a pure blooded magician. Don't say it to Hermione. Trust.

Death Eaters: Bad guys. Pretty sure they don't actually eat death because that really doesn't make any sense.

Dementors: They'll pretty much suck your soul out of your face

Alright, you are now informed enough to watch the Harry Potter movies and actually know what the heck is going on. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. Now go watch the movies, and love them. If you don't love them, I hate you. "But Dean, you don't know me." I don't care. You suck. To everyone who loves Harry Potter, I like you . I like you alot, and to show how much I like you, here's a HARRY POTTER KITTY!!!

"What it dooooo my Mudbloods?!"
(He's allowed to say it. You're not.)

Nickelback Is Everything I Hate About Music

Realistically this picture makes my case without having to use words, but I'm going to go ahead and write this blog anyway. Nickelback is the worst band ever. If you don't believe me, go to http://isnickelbacktheworstbandever.tumblr.com/ for proof. But if that's not enough, I'll provide a few key points on why they're awful and need to go away.

1. Throaty Vocals

Nickelback, along with their other bro-rock comrades like Godsmack, Seether, etc., sing with this deep, rough, throaty kind of style. It's as annoying as a 5 year old trying to get your attention to show you "a cool trick" which usually ends up being something dumb like slapping themself in the face or yelling "poopie!" and running away. Pretty awful. Maybe it's the "tough guy" way to sing, but it also makes me want to punch a kitten. 

2. It. All. Sounds. The. Same

Nickelback's breakout single "How You Remind Me" came out in 2001, 10 years ago. At the time I loved it, but I was also listening to Limp Bizkit then so clearly I was an idiot. (Sidenote: I will still rock out to "Rollin'" if it comes on. HARD.) But seriously, they sound EXACTLY like they did ten years ago. They found a formula that people eat up and makes them money and refuse to branch away from that. The most recent song I heard by them sounded like it could be off their first album. Terrible.

3. Power Stance

For those of you who don't know what the "power stance" is, it's this.

I don't care how many albums you've sold, you're not allowed to shove your junk in my face like that. Stop it. The "power stance" is supposed to let the crowd know how much you rock, but really it just says "I'm a tool bag."

4. That song "Rock Star" is so stupid.

It's a song by people living like rockstars basically telling everyone else they're dumb for wanting to be rockstars. Stupid.

5.  The Hair

No thank you, wannabe blonde Jesus. 

I hate Nickelback. Not as people, because I don't know them, but as a band, they need to stop. Now. PLEASE. Cue sad puppy.

"Why won't Nickelback stop making music? :'("

I Wish I Could Quit You Part II: POKEMON

Oh sweet sweet Pokemon, how I love you. I never watched the show because it was usually over before I got home from school (carpooling was a rough life), but I had a ton of the trading cars and could name all 150. Yeah, I was awesome and you should be jealous of my coolness. But one fateful Christmas morn' in middle school, I received a Game Boy Pocket and... POKEMON BLUE! My older brother got Pokemon Red the same morn' ('morn is way more epic than 'morning' so I'm sticking with it), so the rivalry was on. I carried my Game Boy EVERYWHERE. I was constantly training and battling my Pokemon so I could keep pace with my older brother. It was a great time in my life. Eventually I beat the game and laid it to rest, and soon after I made a critical mistake of leaving my book of Pokemon cards out on my trampoline while it rained, destroying both my Pokemon cards and my desire to be the greatest Pokemon trainer of all time. 

FAST FORWARD to June 19th, 2011. The talk of different apps for phones comes up and I think "I wonder if I can find the original Pokemon game for my Blackberry?". Here's a quick list of the events that trasnpired:

1. Googled "Pokemon Blue for Blackberry"

2. Found a sketchy website to download it

3. Downloaded it

4. Tried it out

5. Confirmed that it was the real deal

6. Danced around like a fairy and sang sweet, sweet praises to the Pokemon gods.

So now I have Pokemon Blue on my phone. I'll be the first to admit that some things that were awesome when I was a kid truly suck now that I'm an adult. For example, I watched an episode of Salute Your Shorts and it wasn't even slightly awesome. Pokemon, though, is still SO FREAKIN AWESOME. I'm again emotionally attached to my Pokemon and my thumb has actually cramped randomly during my day from playing it on my tiny little Blackberry buttons. It's almost sad... ok it's definitely sad. But I love it. I'm not investing nearly as much time as I did when I got the game in middle school, but it's nice to catch some Pokemon while I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. Basically, I'm living the dream.

If anyone knows me personally, I'm a child at heart. I love having fun and embracing my inner child whenever possible. In the past 6 months I've acquired a Slip and Slide, a Nerf gun (thanks mom) and a Wiffle bat. Although I'm 25 and have been back in college pursuing a degree in Accounting for 2 years now, I still know how to find joy in the little things, and that's something about myself I hope I have until the day I leave this Earth. So while you're all sweating the small stuff, I'll be happily trying to become "Adult Dean" while making sure "Kid Dean" is still alive and kicking. Maybe this blog should be called "I DON'T wish I could quit you" :)

Don't Tell Me My Favorite Teams Suck

Above is the magically wonderful, the one and only, FENWAY PARK, home of the Boston Red Sox, AND I'M GOING THERE TONIGHT! WOOHOO! Can't wait. The Red Sox are my favorite sports team, hands down, followed closely by the New England Patriots, the Boston Celtics, and the Boston Bruins. Why Boston? I'm from Connecticut. We have no pro sports teams for ourselves so we share Boston with the rest of New England: Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. (There's some quick geography for ya). Although I was only a causal supporter of sports up until my senior year of high school, my passion for my teams has grown more and more to the point where if you insult my teams, I'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU.

There are some people who LOVE having long, in-depth conversations about why YOUR team is a "bad" sports team. I don't get it. Do you really think after a simple conversation I'm gonna say "Yeah, you're right. My team's awful and yours is great. I'm clearly an idiot."? No. It's stupid. Love the teams you love and let other people love their teams too...except for the Yankees (because they're evil), the Cowboys (because they're evil), the Heat or the Lakers (evil evil evil), or the Padres (They just suck. Trust me, I've seen it. They are not good at baseball. They should give up and spend all 9 innings playing Cornhole in the parking lot with the fans.) KIDDING. I'm trying to prove a point that if you're a sports fan, you're gonna love the teams you love and hate the teams you hate no matter what, so arguing is pointless. I recently had jury duty and had an awesome conversation with a Yankees fan about how both of our teams were doing this year. No "Yankees suck" or "Red Sox suck" talk at all, just facts and stats about the season. It was a great, intelligent conversation with a fellow sports fan. You guys should try it some time.

In conclusion, let me summarize this post with a few key points:


1. My Team is awesome
2. Your Team is not awesome
3. My Team will beat your team every time we play each other
4. Your Team will never beat my team, even when they actually beat my team
5.  My team is awesome even when we suck, and your team sucks even when they're playing great.


"Dean, these points make no sense."- Casual reader of this Blog. They don't have to!!! This is what makes sports so great. You love your team through thick and thin with more bias than a girl telling you how hot their best friend is. That's the way it should be. Now go in peace, my brethren, and love your teams with all thine heart, and speak not against the teams of thine fellow man. AMEN AND AMEN.

Thanks again for listening and... GO SOX!!

PUPPYYYYYY!!!!

Facebook Translator Part II: Birthday Greetings

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I'M A MONKEYYYYY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

WOOHOO!!! It's my birthday. Well yesterday, June 14th was my birthday. I'm now 25. GROSS. But, moving on to what we're all here for: MORE FACEBOOK TRANSLATIONS. Every year Facebook lets all your friends know it's your birthday. People blow up your Wall saying Happy Birthday in many different ways, shapes and forms, so I'm back to help you decipher what people's birthday wishes mean about them or your friendship. 

"happy birthday"- "I barely remember how we met"/ "I'm only doing this because I feel obligated"/ "I hate you"/ "I hate punctuation"/

"Happy Birthday"- Same as above, but this person appreciates capitalization. Props.

"Happyyyy Birthdayyyy!!! :)" - "I have nothing creative to say but I'm nice and want you to be happy!"

"Happy Birthday ________!! Hope it's a good one. :)" - "I want you to know I'm a better friend than the people who just say "happy birthday" 

"Have a Blessed birthday!"- "I'm in your Mom's Bible Study"

"Happy Birthday bro/man/dude"- "We're guy friends"

"Happy Birthday you sexy hunk of meat" - "We're close enough for me to say this without you thinking I'm actually gay (same gender) or that I want you (opposite gender)"

"Hey can I borrow your Chem book next semester?" -"I'm oblivious/ a bad friend"

"Here's an adorable animal pic for your birthday!" - "I'm the best friend ever"

"Hey you Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well. Let's hang out soon. I miss you. :)" -This is the message you hope that attractive member of the opposite sex will send you to rekindle your friendship. There's a 2% chance of this actually happening...and that's being generous.

Again, these are rough translations, but for the most part, pretty accurate. Trust me, I'm a Doctor. (I'm not a Doctor.) But now it's time for me to give out awards for DEAN'S BEST BIRTHDAY WISHES OF 2011!!!!! 

Amber Oliver - Amber left me a link to the Top 10 Movies Rented From Netflix. OBVIOUSLY very helpful. Well done!

Bianca Rodriguez- Bianca left me this video of Justin Bieber singing Happy Birthday. I LOVE THE BIEBS.

Tyler Friedrich- Although Tyler initially only left "happy birthday" i.e. "I hate you", I called him out and he included the following message in his defense "(.)  That's a butthole." #winning

Joey Pantaleo- "Happy Birthday you big buff sexy hunk of man" We're close enough for me to know he's not gay. well played.

Andrew Weaver- "Happy 36th big guy! Hope it's a good birthday for you!" He's been saying I'm in my 30's for the past year.

Ron Crosby - Good ol' Ron left me a long 4 point message covering multiple aspects of my birthday. It was thorough, precise, and the longest message I got all day. Well played sir!

Christina Hussack - "omghb"  Complete opposite of Ron's and the shortest message I got all day. Nice.

If you made this list, CONGRATS! If not, better luck next year. In conclusion, I would like to thank both Erik Havumaki and Kayla Havumaki for including cute animals with their posts. Here they are, and on a serious note, thanks to all of you for the amazing Birthday. I have the best friends ever :)

BIRTHDAY AARDVARK!!!

BIRTHDAY MONKEY WITH A SWEET FRO!!!

I WANT SUPER POWERS

I am by no means a comic book nerd. In fact, I've never read a full comic book in my life. But growing up my favorite cartoons were definitely Batman, Spiderman, and the X Men. We're also living in a time where a new superhero movie comes out every 9 months. Iron Man was awesome. Thor was Epic. Spiderman was amazing. Who doesn't want super powers?!? It's awesome. Superman can fly, Batman has alot of cool gadgets, Captain America...uh...is really patriotic? I'll have to see the movie when it comes out and figure out what he really does.  But I just saw the new movie "X-Men: First Class" and I've been inspired to decide which super powers I think would be the coolest.

1. Flying

Flying is awesome. You're just going through your day and all of a sudden "Uh, I'm tired of walking". BOOM you're soaring the the sky like the baddest mama jama ever. Even if that's your only super power, you're still the coolest guy I know. Not only that, but all the tree huggers will love you because you don't ruin our atmosphere by driving a car. YOU'RE WELCOME, EARTH.






2. Throwing Fire

Throwing fire is sick. It's not super plasma or energy beams that require some nerd to explain what it is, it's just fire, and we all know fire is awesome. Here's a simple math equation: MY HAND + FIRE= I'M AWESOME AND YOU SUCK. Not only that, but every guy who throws fire usually has some super cool move or pose he does while he throws it and it usually looks pretty cool.






3. Agility

Every super hero needs some agility. Agility is defined as "the gracefulness of a person or animal who is quick and nimble". That sounds very fruity, but it really just means you're like a track star and gymnast all in one. Great for dodging anything people throw at you while simultaneously looking awesome. Agility is pretty clutch.



4. Wit and Charm

Iron man is already one of the coolest superheroes ever, but what makes people LOVE him is Tony Stark, the man behind the mask. He is funny, witty, and boy is he charming!! He truly does it #fortheladies. Some of you are saying "This isn't a super power", but if you've seen how awkward some guys get around a beautiful girl, you'll understand why I disagree.



5. Weapons, Weapons, WEAPONS

When all else fails, weapons are awesome. "Oh no my fire maker is broken and the thing that makes me fly needs to reboot!! What do I do?!?" The answer is SWORDS AND GUNS AND GRAPPLING HOOKS AND BOOMERANGS AND OTHER COOL AWESOME STUFF! Batman, for example, has no super powers except that he's smart, athletic, and rich. So he made himself some fun toys to save the world. I like it, and I would like some of my own. Please give me them. For free. Right now. PLEASEEEEE.








As much as I'd love to go on and on, I'm going to try not to get greedy and leave some super powers for the other aspiring heroes out there. I'm gonna work on getting all of these powers, and I'll let you know how it goes. Probably not very well. But, in true form to this blog, let's close it out with...CUTE ANIMALS...dressed as super heroes.

So much cuteness I can barely handle it

Facebook Translator: What your pokes, likes, and comments really mean

Thanks to Mr. Zukerberg and with some help from Justin Timberlake (don't question me), Facebook has changed the way we socialize with our friends, acquaintances, and enemies we pretend are our friends. Nice. We can write messages, use Facebook Chat, post publicly on someone's "wall", "like" any comment or picture or video we see, and even "poke" someone. This might be confusing to some people at first, but I'm here to translate what these really mean and why the person communicating with you chose the Facebook avenue they did. Let's do this. LEERRROOOYYY JEEENNNKKKINS.

The Facebook Message

This is like an email. A person uses this when they don't want the whole Facebook universe seeing what they're telling you. It could be because of a sensitive subject like the loss of a loved one, genuinely trying to get to know an acquaintance better, or maybe an apology trying to mend a friendship. But usually these messages are received by attractive girls from creepy guys saying "Hey you're really hot. Can I have your number? We should hang out. I love you. Let's date. I do P90x."

Facebook Chat

Facebook chat is the ability to instant message anyone you are friends with on Facebook. I hate it. Let's be real, most Facebook friendships mean "I met you once and it wasn't the worst experience of my life." Just because you qualify for that DOES NOT mean I want you to have instant access to live conversation with me. When the message noise goes off my natural instinct is to scream and punch myself in the face, but I usually control myself and just hope it's someone I have a legitimate friendship with...or a cute girl I'd like to get to know better. (Just being real here.)

 

"Hey Dean how are you?" 

"OMG LAWLZ Hiiiiiii Mandy :) :) :)"

"Hey man!"

 **Go Offline**

Wall Posts

The Wall Post is used to just drop in and say hi to a good friend. It's also very useful for girls to blow up your news feed to make sure everyone knows how much fun they had last night/weekend. Usually it goes like this: 

"OMG AND THEN THIS HAPPENED AND THIS HAPPENED AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WERE TALKING ABOUT HAHAHAHAHA LOL LUFF YOU BEST FWEND"

Gotta love it.

Likes

"Liking" something can mean a lot of things:

• If someone "likes" your picture, they think you look good in it, unless it's a girl "liking" another girls picture. This could mean anything from "I like your shoes" to "I hate you and I hope you die." Tough to tell.
• If someone of the opposite gender "likes" every profile picture you have, they probably know your Social Security number and watch you sleep at night. You should delete them. Right now. 
• If someone "likes" your last comment after the two of you have been commenting back and forth to each other, it's a very polite way of saying "I read what you just wrote and I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, but this conversation is over." Very handy tool. 
• If someone "likes" a comment you left on someone else's wall, it either means "I agree with what they said" or "Why won't you guys hang out with me :("

Pokes

Apparently the "poke" was made so people who do not know each other on Facebook can get to know each other. If you "poke" a stranger on Facebook, you also allow them to see your profile. Hopefully this leads to them finding you interesting/attractive, "poking" you back or adding you as a friend, and then any combination of the previously mentioned interactions that leads to you both falling in love, getting married, "poking" and having beautiful babies together (HA #inappropriate). But seriously, I don't get the poke. Just send a message. As my mother used to tell my 3 year old self, "Use your big boy words." It has to be more effective than poking.

Well kids, there you have it. Now you know what message these Facebook interactions are really sending. Keep this in mind the next time you're browsing the good ol' Facebook. But before I go....CUTE ANIMAL PICTURE!!!! Thank you to my Mom for sending this to me, specifically for my blog. Nice.

OTTER!!!!! I want one.