Nicki Manaj #5 Most Desirable Woman? Really?!

According to a list of the 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012 on AskMen.com featured on Yahoo.com, Nicki Manaj, female MC and member of Young Money is #5. Number 5. NUMBER 5!!!!! That's absolutely insane. No, she's not ugly and yes, a girl who can rap gets some extra hot points, but number 5!? OUT OF EVERY GIRL IN THE WORLD?!?!?! I feel like I know at least 50 girls personally that are more "desirable" than her. Even if the oh-so-stunning Mandy Moore wore the outfit Nicki is wearing in the pic above, she would instantly be a few steps below Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife as far as "desirability".

No, no, you absolutely are not.

The people saying "Nicki Manaj is desirable" are the same people telling me Lady Gaga is a fashion icon.

Really? REALLY?!?!?!

There's a gigantic difference between "I'm innovative" and "I'M STRAIGHT UP BAT CRAP CRAZY BLAHHHH!!!". Being that weird is not hot, or desirable, and I'm sick of being told it is. The media has gone insane. Tim Tebow is weird for praying before a football game, and Nicki Manaj is the 5th Most Desirable Woman on Earth. Really? 

Really??

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me too, little puff ball thing that might be a cat, me too. 

The Men's Guide to Chapstick

I, like most people, have a very strict routine for preparing myself for the day before I leave the house. Wallet goes in the back right pocket (don't rob me), guitar picks and spare change in my front right (again,don't rob me, but if you do, pick this pocket instead), keys go on a carabiner hanging off my right-most belt loop (scene points) and last but not least the iPhone and Chapstick go in the left pocket. IF YOU COME NEAR THAT POCKET I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR FACE!! TO DEATH!! AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!! 

Look at my list of valued possessions and you'll understand why:

1. iPhone

2. Chapstick

3. Back-up Chapstick

4. Family and Friends

5. Back-up back-up Chapstick.

Yes, ChapStick is pretty important to me. If you've read my blog on Bad Kissers, I demonstrated that my lips are mildly gigantic. It's borderline disgusting. So, Chapstick is a pretty essential part of maintaining those suckers. 

"Dean, Chapstick is for girls!"

WRONG, READER! ChapStick is for dudes! Flaky lips are gross, regardless of gender, and I don't want them. That being said, my fellow bro-man-dudes and I can't just jump up in public and scream "I'M GOING TO MOISTEN MY LIPS NOW!" and not expect people to question our sexuality. SO here's some guidelines for my fellow man:

1, Be Sneaky

Don't just put it on mid-conversation with another dude. Wait until you go in the bathroom or walk behind a wall or something. Nothing says "I'm getting ready to suck your face" like putting on ChapStick while someone's talking to you. **LADIES: If you're talking to me and I put on ChapStick I promise I'm not going to kiss rape you. Don't be scared. Scurred. Don't be scurrreeeedddd. But seriously I'm addicted and I put it on without even thinking about it.**

2, Don't Do the "Post-application Pucker"

You know that kiss-looking thing girls do after they put on lipstick? Yeah, don't do that. Ever. I'll smack ya. With an animal. Maybe a duck. 

3. NO FLAVORS

Yes.

Great choice!

Why not?

                                         

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YA FAIRY!

Yeah, you get the point.

Men, embrace the ChapStick, let's just keep it as manly as possible. Keeping your lips smooth doesn't mean you have to start taking ballet lessons and writing haikus about how no one understands you. Let's take back Chap Stick, FOR MEN! And once that's done, let's all look at this adorable puppy.

I don't even understand why he's cute but dang, look at his freakin' cute puppy face!

The Smiling Car Door Smasher

Ok, this isn't the car door smasher, but she looks pretty similar. Ready for a story? Here it goes.

SO I leave Starbucks with my usual: Grande Pikes Place with Pumpkin Spice. "Room for cream?" HECK NO BARISTA. I'm a man. So, I sit in my car, place my beverage in my cup holder, and KABOOM the lady next to me SMASHES my car door with hers, and I mean SSSMMMAAASSSHHHEEESSS it. My car shook. Hard. So i look up at her with a face that's a weird mix of anger/confusion/fear. I think it looked like this:

I'm waiting for some kind of apology or maybe mouthing "I'm so sorry!" to me through my closed window. What does she actually do? SHE SMILES AND WAVES WHILE SHE'S GETTING INTO HER CAR! What the heck?! It was the kind of smile-and-wave combo that you would use to say "Hey there, acquaintance! I know you well enough to acknowledge you in public but not enough to stop and say hi!". Do I know her? Nope. Never seen her in my life. But, that's the way she chose to react to this potentially awkward situation.

Now I'm even more confused, but my overly-friendly instincts take over and I just smile and wave back! She somehow flipped this whole situation around so I went from "WHO THE POOP JUST SMASHED MY CAR?!" to "Hey, good seeing you to!". What. The. Heck. This lady is clearly some kind of witch. Or Wicca. Or Wiccen? I have no idea how to spell these words but you know what I mean. SHE HAS POWERS. I don't know what was in her Starbucks cup, but it was probably something to fuel her magic, and I want some. It's times like these I wish I went to Hogwarts so I could cast a "SORRIUS FOR MY SMASHIUS" spell on her and get an apology!

SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

Ok, maybe she saw how crappy my car is and thought "This kid clearly doesn't care about a ding in his car." and yes, she would be right, but still. This whole thing has left me confused and I still don't know how I feel about this woman. I'm equal parts impressed and offended. If she's married, God help that man. He is probably TOTALLY whipped by her and has no idea. He probably spends all day cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush and is actually convinced he likes it. She needs to be stopped. And I need to stop her...TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Thanks, attack puppy. At least SOMEONE has my back!

Tim Tebow

For starters, if you don't like this guy, you are literally an idiot.

This weekend ended Tim Tebow's fairy tale, Disney-style season with the Broncos. I've never been more emotionally torn over a football game because although my team is the Patriots and I enjoyed watching them play so well, I hoped for a more competitive game and wanted to see Tebow perform well, win or lose.

But after the game ended, I realized that win or lose, football really isn't the reason we like Tim Tebow. Granted, the dramatic come-from-behind victories were always exciting and the touchdown pass in OT against the Steelers was beautiful, but that isn't why we like him. He was voted "Americas Favorite Athelete" this year. He beat out, Kobe Bryant, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and various others who you have to admit  are better "athletes" on the court or field. So why do we like him?

BECAUSE HE'S THE MAN, in every sense of the word. He's a stand-up guy, through and through. He's nice to everyone, even his opponents. It's almost weird, but it puts a smile on their face. He brings out sick children and their families to watch him play and meets them before or after games to ensure they're having the time of their life. Non-religious people can't help but like him because he's a great guy and shows that men and athletes can still show moral excellence and be a valuable asset to humanity as a whole.

Christians, including myself, absolutely adore this guy. I used to joke (half-joke) that I wish we could make a new title for Christians besides "Christian" because I was sick of crazy people in the media making the title of "Christian" look like a bad thing. But for once, there's a Christian being showcased in the media who isn't being a psycho, walking around with "Thank God For Dead Soldiers" signs and being a judgmental hypocrite. The guy walks the walk, 100%, all the time, and have you heard him judge or condemn anyone for not living like him? Nope, and I'm pretty positive we never will. When Jesus was asked in Luke 10 what the greatest commandment was, he answered "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself." That is how Tim Tebow lives, and the results speak for themselves. He is truly an inspiration to me as a man, a Christian, and yes, even as a sports fan.

So yes, although his 2011-2012 football season is over, this is by no means the last we'll hear of Tim Tebow. I have confidence he'll continue growing as an athlete and a quarterback, but I'm more excited to see him grow as a man of God who is, in all senses of the phrase, letting his light shine on the world.

One of Ghandi's most famous quotes on Christianity is "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians." I don't think he could have said that about Tim Tebow.

Girls and Sports

For centuries, men have been trying to balance out their love of sports and their love of the opposite sex. We love sports, we love our teams, but we love THE LADIES as well. Yes, the girl pictured above has earned some extra hot points for rocking the Red Sox shirt at a game, but some girls think they have us all figured out and that the way to our heart is talking sports. While there may be SOME truth to that, there's a few rules and guidelines you women folk should be following. Here they are:

1. Don't Insult My Team
As a Red Sox/Celtics/Patriots/Bruins fan living in Connecticut, I'm constantly caught in the Boston/New York rivalry. You can't escape it. Yes, I have met plenty of attractive Yankees fans and believe it or not, it's not a "deal breaker". But it can be if you push it! After the Red Sox failed to make the playoffs this year, a "friend" of mine who likes the Yankees thought it would be funny to tease me on Facebook messenger. (Side note: I hate Facebook messenger no matter what we're talking about.) I took the first jab in stride, but after the second one, I deleted her. For real. And no, I haven't added her back, nor do I plan to. I can take a little harassment, but don't push it!

2. Don't Argue Sports If You Don't Know What You're Talking About
A fellow man once gave me the Five Player Test: When a female says "I like the *sports team*!", you, as a man, have the right to ask her to name five players on that team. If she can't, she is not allowed to talk about sports. Ever.

3. Don't Be a Dude
I'm pretty emotionally invested in my teams of choice. When the Red Sox lost to the Orioles to lose the A.L. Wild Card, I was in an emotional slump for the rest of the night. But I'm a guy. That's what we do. I like girls who act like girls:

-Be feminine.
-Make us late for our date because you can't pick what shoes you want to wear.
-Cry over a dumb chick flick.
-Spend way too much money on fashion accessories.

I don't need another guy in my life. I have guys. They're called "the guys". Yes, I'd love for you to watch the game with me and let me pick you up and spin you around when we win or rub my back while I sulk after a loss, but if you're screaming at the TV louder than I am, yeah. That's not gonna work. If your favorite part of going to Fenway with me is having an excuse to buy a Red Sox shirt and wear eye black, I'm more than ok with that. BE A GIRL. Don't be a dude.

Yes, a girl who likes sports is cool, but it's not going to make us love you any more if you know more about our favorite team than we do. That's like dating a girl who's taller than me, which I'm also not ok with.

Sports are cool. Girls are cool. Don't be a dude.

Sorry girl, all the Red Sox apparel and cute animals in the world won't make me fall for a middle-aged woman with braces.

How I Can Stop Identity Theft

I woke up this morning and went about my usual routine: up at 6am, made a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and pancakes, had a delicious chai latte, and ended it all with a brisk 5 mile jog...HA. That's a lie. I woke up at 10:30am and played on my iPhone until 11:45am. But I opened up my laptop to log onto the good ol' Face Book Dot Com only to find that my account was locked because SOMEONE IN FREAKIN' THAILAND LOGGED INTO MY ACCOUNT! I imagine he looked like this:

"OH HERRO! I RIKE A TAKE A DEAN'S FRACE BROOK!"

** WARNING: Do not Google Image search "Thai Boy" unless your Safe Search is on Strict. Not ok, Thailand. Not. Ok.**

I'd also like to clarify that I am not a racist and I love all of God's people, but fake Asian accents are the most fun thing EVER. You can't argue with me, it's science.

So yeah, I'm a little upset with Ping Pong over there thinking he can just hop on the interwebs and log into MY Facebook just for the fun of it! What a jerk! GET YOUR OWN IDENTITY PING PONG!!! Also, if you're going to steal someone's identity, why me? I'm not that cool...KIDDING. My identity is TOTALLY worth stealing. I'm mildly awesome/ decently marvelous. 

Sooooooo how can I protect myself from identity thieves? This is my game plan:

1. Buy a Gun

It's only a matter of time before bullets can travel via email, and when that time comes, Ping Pong is getting two right between the eyes...or maybe in his spam folder? Sorry, I still don't completely understand the technology.

2. Change my password to "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

This way, no one will have any idea what my password i...wait...crap. I guess I just ruined that idea. I SUCK AT THIS. Ok how about...

3. Stop Using The Internet

YEAH! Try getting your grubby e-hands on me now, PING PONG! I just won't use the Internet ever again, starting right now.........

....................................

......................................................

..................................................OK I'M BACK. That was the longest 15 seconds of my life. Hmmmm I could always try...

4. Buying an Attack Dog!

He's the the meanest, scariest, most threatening animal known to man, and just the knowledge that I own this dog will keep Identity Thieves at bay.

Made this myself. Kinda proud.

Gosh, I freakin' love Boo. I hope this works. If not, at least I have some Boo in my life. He's the best.

5. Beg For Mercy

Dear Online Thieves,

Please leave me alone. I'm a very nice person and I have little to nothing to offer you outside of a few chuckles. Maybe. On a good day. But for real, GO AWAY PING PONG. My Facebook is not worth your time. BE MERCIFUL UPON ME INTERNET GOD OF iDeath!

Love, 

Me

Ok that's it. I changed my password and I think my Facebook is safe...for now. Identity thieves are just big meanies. Jerks. :'(