Reasons Why You Need a Significant Other for the Holidays

Ohhhhhhhh SHOOT it's Christmas time! Turkey Day is over and Christmas Season is on like Donkey Kong in a Santa suit.

"Thanks for the sweet visual, Dean."

You are welcome, citizen.

As an avid fan of all things cute, happy, and awesome, Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It's the happiest time of the year and *steps up onto religious soap box* we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and I do love me some Jesus! He's kind of the whole reason I'm on this earth so yeah, that's a sweet thing to celebrate. *steps off religious soap box*. I'm actually writing this while sipping on some Christmas Blend coffee from Starbucks. NOM NOM NOM. It tastes like happiness! So great. The only problem with Christmas and New Years is that it's basically made for couples. Send out a card with a picture of you and your love interest making snow angels and everyone thinks you're adorable. Send one of yourself making snow angels and you don't get invited to Christmas dinner because your family thinks you're mentally handicapped. DOUBLE STANDARD. Not cool. So let me give you a couple reasons why you need to grab somebody sexy and tell them "hey...be my Christmas lover." (Thank you Neyo for that life-changing lyric.)

1. Everyone Looks Better As a Couple
On a scale of 1-10, I put myself at a 5. I don't think girls swoon when I walk in a room, but I don't think they vomit all over the floor in disgust, either. At least I hope not. That would be sad. But anyway, as average as I may be, I am instantly a hard 9 on the hot scale with a stunning dime piece of a female on my arm! It's a fact of life. Ladies, you make me look good. REAL good. NOW LET'S BUY SANTA HATS AND DATE THE HECK OUT OF EACH OTHER. Santa wills it. He told me.



2. Your Family Won't Question Your Sexuality
We've already established I'm a fan of pastel colored V necks. Combine that with a few years of singleness and your family starts wondering when they're gonna meet your boyfriend. I'm not saying my family thinks I'm gay, but I will say my new love for the Justin Bieber Christmas song doesn't help my cause here.

SING IT BIEBS. Anyway, I like girls, not boys, and I'd love to remove any doubt from my Grandmother's mind.



3. It's a Good Excuse To Get More Gifts
If you buy yourself gifts for Christmas, you look like a selfish Scrooge. BUT if you buy a significant other a gift, they are obligated to return the favor and get YOU a gift of equal or greater value. It's a fact of life. So, you want an iPad? Buy your holiday lover a gift that costs as much as an iPad and with some strong hinting BOOM you've got one and you look like a caring human being. Awesome sauce.



4. You'll Probably Get a Seat at the Adult Table
We all hate being stuck at the kids table on the holidays. You're trying desperately to listen to what the adults are saying and get involved but your little cousin Timmy is screaming in your face about how much he loves Sponge Bob.

Gosh, Timmy sucks.If you bring a date to your holiday celebration, you're pretty much guaranteed a spot at the adult table. Your parents and Aunts and Uncles all want them to feel loved and accepted so you will be right there with them with the big people. Dopeness.






The Christmas season is a fun time as long as you can navigate some of the obstacles that come with being single, so grab someone decently attractive, throw some cash at them and make them yours on Christmas! Trust me, it's worth it. SO Thank you Josh Norman for the sweet blog idea, and here's some cute Christmas animal action!

GIVE ME GIFTS MONKEY MAN!

My No Shave Novem-beard

That's me 4 days into No Shave November. Call me spineless, call me a traitor, I understand. After some very ant-No Shave November tweets and statuses, I succumbed to the challenges against my manliness and decided I would, in fact, participate in No Shave November. Don't get me wrong, I support awesome beards, just not on me. But I think this beard-growing scheme will be good for me. Let me give you a few reasons:

1. I'M A MAN

That's right, I'm a man, and God made my face to grow hair. He also made the brains that designed the razor, so I support using that too. Sometimes, though, it's nice to let out my inner manly man! Despite my baby face and awkward appreciation of pastel colored V-neck t-shirts, I LIKE MAN STUFF. I enjoy playing sports. I watch UFC fights. Sometimes I want to kill an animal with my bare hands and eat it raw just because I can...Ok that's a lie. But I would if I had to! (Probably not. Gross.) But there's always been a part of me that wondered how I'd look with a beard, so now I'm going to find out! 

The baby-beard I have now is already making me want to buy more flannel, cut down tress with an axe, and live off the land in a log cabin in Maine...or wherever things like that happen. I also have an overwhelming desire to stroke it and say wise man things like "Your life only has meaning if you mean your life" and other dumb stuff that really doesn't make sense or make any valid point. It also makes me want to rub my face against other people's faces which is really pretty awkward for everyone. I should probably stop doing that. (But I probably won't. #BeardNinja)

Also, most of what I do is FOR THE LADIES. (Sidenote, my good friend Tom Oppelt actually started that phrase. I can't take the credit for it.) I think it's been good for me to do something that's NOT for the ladies. I'm 25, single (for the ladies...CRAP. It's so hard to turn off!), and yeah, maybeeee there's a little pressure to find a girl to settle down with...or date...or just have feelings for... yeah I suck. But for this month, I don't care, and I'm growing a ##@%&$&%$&$@!@%()^%%&#$^# BEARD! (I have no idea what that big censored word was supposed to be, but let's all just assume it was attention grabbing and spoken with over-the-top aggression.) Honestly, every girl that's told me to give up and shave has only made me more determined to stick it out and let the scruff grow, so HA.

So there you have it! Beard blog is complete. I hope this inspired you guys to grow your own beard and/or support my own beardy beard.

"But Dean, you only listed one point!" - Anonymous Reader

Yeah, because I'm a man and I do what I want! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! BEARD POWER!!! Ok sorry, I'm done. But for reals. This beard is fun. You should grow one.

GOAT BEARD!

What Your Halloween Costume Says About You

Happy Halloween to you too little ghosty man! I love Halloween! It's the one holiday where I'm allowed to dress like an idiot and act like an idiot. Granted I do that all year round but on Halloween everyone's ok with it. SCORE. Halloween has been an awesome time for me every year, but I can't help but realize that what you choose as your Halloween costume says ALOT about who you are. Now let's hop on to Ms. Frizzle's Magic School Bus and learn something!

Really? You trust your kid to go on field trips with a crazy lady who's best friend is a lizard? Really?

A Spartan Warrior

Thanks, whoever made this movie, for giving meat heads another reason to take their shirts off. This costume is saying "Yes! Now I don't have to wait til summer to show girls how jacked I am!" Cool story bro.

Childhood Character

I might be a little biased because this was my costume last year, but these kinds of costumes are the most fun. You go out for the night thinking "I'm going to be as fun and crazy as I want because I'm already dressed like an idiot." Some of you who saw me out last year might be thinking "Yeah, but Dean you looked like an ADORABLE idiot!"...ok you're probably not thinking that but maybe someone, somewhere is thinking that? Maybe? I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME!!!!!! *tears* *sniffles* Ok sorry about that. Moving on! This is even more awesome when girls choose this route. Have you ever seen a cute (not slutty) Ninja Turtle? I have, and it's the greatest thing EVER.

Slutty Version of an Every Day Trade or Occupation

Listen, ladies, there is a fine line between "cute and hot" and "I'm an amateur hooker with no morals and values who is really desperate for attention". Yes, every guy is expecting you to look good, and we'd all be kind of disappointed if cute girls put sheets over their heads and went out as Casper, but let's at least pretend you have some kind of morals, even if you don't. 

The "Not" Costume

YOU ARE LAME AND NOT FUN AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. At least wear a mask or something! It's the one night where you can do what you want. STOP BEING A LAME FUN SUCKER. 

Pirates or Ninjas

Pirates and ninjas are more popluar than ever, and what better time than Halloween to pick your side?! Pirates say "ARGH" and shoot cannons and steal booty. Ninjas creep up on people and kill them with swords, NUMCHUCKS (or nunchucks if you like pronouncing words correctly), and throwing stars. It's a tough choice, but they're both awesome.

Zombies

If you don't love zombies, or maybe just love the idea of them, I don't know what's wrong with you. They're alive! But dead! But alive! BUT DEAD BUT ALIVE BUT DEAD AND THEY'RE DEAD BUT THEY'RE LIVING AND THEY'RE DEAD AND THEY EAT HUMAN FLESH! (om nom nom) Andddddddddddd they're awesome. The zombie costume takes little effort but always gets positive results. Definitely a winner in my book. ALIVE DEAD ALIVE NOM NOM!

Thank you Jess Gomes for the blog topic suggestion and to everyone going out, have a blast! Happy Halloween everyone! And to all the kids who's parents are making them go to the hospital to scan their candy for needles and rufilin before they eat it, your life sucks and I feel terrible for you. That is the WORST. Alright, CUTE HALLOWEEN ANIMAL!

AHOY I'm precious.

What Their Texts Really Mean aka Fun With Pie Charts

Texting is the greatest and worst thing to enter the world. It's quick and convenient but also the most insincere, indirect, and easily misinterpreted form of communication possible. I LOVE IT. I'm a socialite. I'm addicted to human interaction. I can talk to anyone about anything for hours and texting allows me to do that without taking away from my other duties and responsibilities. As a semi-professional texter (I just made that up) I am qualified to tell you guys the deeper meaning behind texts you're receiving. I'm also going to abnuse pie charts because I think they're fun.

There's no reason to extend your words that long unless you're being sketchy.

The "..." implies that there's more to be said than what's being said. It symbolizes that the thought isn't complete. IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO!!!

Ah, the one word text. Not only is this one word, but it also says "I heard what you said and I acknowledge that it was meant to be humorous but I literally have nothing to say to you"

Nothing makes an innocent sentence look suggestive and inappropriate like a wink face. Example:

"I saw your sister yesterday" versus "I saw your sister yesterday ;)"

Not cool, bro.

There's no reason to ask this unless there's one specific person you're trying to avoid, like an ex or someone who texts you "Heyyyyyyyyyy" all the time. Not only that, but my presence should be enough and I'm sad that you need other people's company to make this worthwhile.

Really? You're SO busy you couldn't take 8 seconds to send a text? Really? Realllllllly? Come on.

This is the quickest and easiest way to tell me you're brain operates on a substandard level. If you text like this, I don't want to talk to you. Ever. Even in real life. Stop it. 

Hopefully this gives you some insight into what people are really telling you or made you laugh because it's kinda true. Either way, check out the puppies!!!!!!

HE'S NOMMING HIS FLABBERJABBER! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S ADORABLE

Social Media Isn't For Venting

Let me show you a hypothetical conversation that never happens:

"Hey you have a Twitter? You should follow me! I complain all day about how hard it is being a middle class American and how much I hate the opposite sex!"

"Awesome! I've been looking for a way to read negative crap all day! I'll follow you right now!"

"Sometimes I rant about how much I hate my friends and family! If you're lucky, I'll give out awkward personal information about them that changes your opinion of them forever!"

"YES I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THESE TWEETS!"

Yeah, that doesn't happen. We all have bad days. Yes, some people suck. Yes, we all need a release from the stress of life, but we all have too much crap in our own lives to deal with all of your negative crap, too. Instead of being super depressing and spreading negativity, why not try:

1. Hitting a Punching Bag

Just wail on this sucker until you're too tired to cry or tweet sad emo stuff.

2. Going for a Run
Jogging, or yogging (it might be a soft "j"), is a great release. Instead of crying like a 5 year old, just put one foot in front of the other at a brisk pace. You'll work up a good sweat, relieve some stress, and I won't unfollow you! AWESOME!

3. Cry in the Mirror
Crying actually releases hormones which, in turn, makes you less sad. That's science. So why do it in front of a mirror? This way, you can clearly see that you are an adult, acting like a baby. Hopefully this only lasts a few seconds until you feel dumb and stop being so freakin' emo.

4. Watch this
If you can watch this video and still be sad, you have no soul. I LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!

I get that we look to our friends for comfort and support when times get hard, but a public forum like Facebook or Twitter is not the place to do it. It's annoying, and no one wants to have negative crap forced on them all day. Life is tough enough without it. This is a genuine challenge: for one week, only tweet or share positive things that build people up instead of bringing people down. Not only will you be helping friends who are having a hard time, but you'll probably improve your own mood as well....and I won't hate you :) LOOK AT THIS CUTE FREAKIN' PUPPY!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!

My Brother Beats Me

Ok, ok, this may be hard to believe due to my childish sense of humor and love for anything cute and adorable, but I LOVE FIGHTING. MMA, or Mixed Martial Arts, is my #1 sport of choice. My family, father and mother included, orders every UFC Pay Per View  event and we all watch it with my friends. My brother has been training MMA for probably 3 or 4 years now, and I actually trained with him for a little while before I moved down to Virginia. He also runs a website http://www.ctmmanews.com/ where he writes about local MMA events in New England as well as for the New Haven Register. I recently went home to see my brother's first amateur fight, but sadly his opponent pulled out a few days before. (He heard the last name Purificato and got scared. Obviously. We're kinda scary.)

Even though this sucked, I now had the "privilege" of training with my brother. I have maybe trained 5 times in the past 2 years, where as my brother had just come off an 8 week training regiment of kickboxing, jiu jitsu, strength and conditioning, and dieting. He was about my weight, and probably twice as strong, and his technique was sharper than ever. IT WAS AWFUL. He choked me out at will. At one point, our good friend Cam yelled to my brother "Peruvian Neck Tie!", which is a somewhat elaborate choke hold. (watch below.)

In my mind I thought "I know he can't hit that move from this position." I felt him adjust and thought "Oh no...". To make matters worse, my brother yelled out "Hey Cam! Watch." Boom. Peruvian Neck Tie, and I'm forced to tap out. If I had an ego before then, I no longer have one.

Here's a breakdown of what happened when training with my brother:

He shoots in to take me down, I sprawl and stop it.

...2 seconds later...

Weirdly enough, even though my brother tapped me out about 15 times and I tapped him out about...hmmm...let me think...NONE. NONE TIMES... it was still a blast. Jiu Jitsu is a fun Martial Art because you can train at 100% intensity with little risk of injury. If you're about to pass out from a choke or break a limb from an arm lock, you tap out. Your opponent lets go, and you get up and do it again. (Unless he found out you were secretly flirting with his girl. Then he probably won't be too quick to let go. And you'll die.)

 I think guys, and maybe even some girls, need a release like that. We've got all this pent up aggression and sometimes you just need to go off and try to choke someone. I'm a hopelessly happy guy and I don't wish harm on anyone, even people who deserve it, but I love fighting more than any other sport on the planet. The techniques are addictively effective, and the more you learn, the more you want to learn. So yes, even though I laugh and make jokes the whole time, I still love scrapping with a fellow fighter, no matter how many times I have to tap. I don't care who you are, fighting is cool, and I love it. GO NINJA CAT!!!

HHHIIIIYAAAAAA!!!!

Unacceptable Rain Footwear

"It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring. Bumped his head and he went to bed and he couldn't get up in the morning". HOW FREAKIN' MESSED UP IS THAT SONG?! Who decided that's ok to teach kids? Here's my literal translation for 2011:

"It's raining hard and this old guy bumped his head and got a concussion, and against the advice of his Doctor and his aging wife Helga, he went to bed anyway AND DIED. TO DEATH."

Yeah, try selling THAT to kids. Stupid.

But yes, it's raining pretty hard today and there is unacceptable footwear all over my dismal college campus.

Time to BREAK IT DOWN:  *insert brutal dubstep drop*

1. Rain boots

Yeah, these are really dumb. I get that you're trying to keep your feet dry, but why the buckles and the ribbons and the "Hello Kitty" graphics?? These are cute...WHEN YOU'RE 9 YEARS OLD. If you're in high school or older, just give them up. Please. As if being wet isn't bad enough, now I feel like I'm in the play scape at McDonalds, minus the boogers...I hope.

2. Flip Flops

I'm not a big fan of flip flops no matter what the weather is like, especially on guys. I don't like my own dude feet, let alone YOUR dude feet, but I understand I'm in the minority on that so I can deal. BUT if it's raining, there is no reason to be wearing these!!! You know what's worse then dude feet? WET DUDE FEET! It makes no sense. Put shoes on, ya free spirited hippie!! 

3. Crocs

If you ever wake up and think "How can I make sure no one takes me seriously as an adult today?", here's your answer! Put these suckers on and I promise to dismiss you as an idiot and not pay attention to a word you say. You can be be explaining the Theory of Relativity and all I'll see is a little toddler with his Osh Kosh Bgosh overalls on backwards saying "I did a poopie." I don't care if they're water proof. You look like a baby. Even if a baby is wearing these I think "Look at that dumb baby" and then I punch the baby's mother in the femur for being a horrible parent. CROCS ARE DUMB.

We're all adults here. Let's wear shoes, like adults. Today I'm wearing my Converse All Stars, and although my feet my be a little damp, I'm not uncomfortable and I don't look like an idiot...well my feet don't look like an idiot's feet at least. In conclusion:

NOT CUTE

SO CUTE!

I Hate Crazy Christians

I rarely write a serious blog, let alone a blog about something that upsets me. There aren't many things in this world that bother me enough to cause me to react. Usually I just accept what happened and Google pictures of cute animals and go on living my life in blissful ignorance and pretending bad things don't happen. BUT, there is one thing I take seriously enough to defend at all costs, and that's my faith in Jesus.

For some reason there are modern Christians who have forgotten that they, too, aren't perfect and struggle with their own sins. How they ignore that, I have no idea, but they do. Not only do they ignore their own faults, but they use this self-righteous entitlement to attack everyone who doesn't agree with their points. Sadly I've thought many times that I wish there was a different term to use about my faith besides "Christian" because these psychopaths have ruined what that name means. "Christian" literally means "Christ like", and these people couldn't be farther from that.

While Jesus was on earth, there were homosexuals and people having abortions, but Jesus didn't waste His limited time here trying to protest those acts. He spent his time here LOVING PEOPLE and teaching His followers how to love. The point of the "Prodigal Son" parable was to lay aside your hate and stereotypes for people and love them sacrificially. When people asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, He  said  “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’" -Matthew 22:37-39. I don't know how people look over this, but Jesus came here to SAVE people and show them how much better life is following Him. He didn't come here trying to "battle" sinners, He came to show them an unconditional love unlike anything they've ever seen.

Let's be clear, the Bible NEVER says that God hates gay people. (The Bible actually says "God hates divorce", and the divorce rate is higher in the church than outside of it, but again people would rather ignore that because it's more fun to cast judgment then actually try to fix ourselves.) Yes, the Bible does condemn the act of homosexuality, but it also condemns lying, cheating, lusting, and a ton of other sins that I do far more than I should. God also doesn't hate you if you have an abortion. He would not stand on the side of the road with pictures of aborted fetuses trying to prevent you from having an abortion. He would invite you to His house, love you like you've never been loved before, care for you like you've never been cared for, and as you became closer to Him, his power and presence in your life would start to change your bad habits, not stupid signs, posters, and commercials.

Let me be clear to any Christians who think I'm being some kind of universalist and saying everyone's ok. I am not. In fact, I'm saying the opposite. No one is ok. We all suck. Bad. I sin every day and I claim to follow God, so how on earth can I judge people who don't claim to follow Him? It boggles my mind. I don't get how people can do it.

For the record, I am a Christian (again, for lack of a better term) and I love Jesus with all my heart. My faith in Him is the number one priority in my life. I'm trying every day to better myself as a man and as a Christian and with that comes changing my environment, my habits, and where I spend my time. But with that being said, I'm humbled daily by how far from perfection I am, and the closer I get to God, the more I realize how far from Him I really am.

I don't care where you're at in your faith, what bad habits you have, or what sins you struggle with, I promise to be here to love you and support you and be there for you as a fellow person struggling with his spiritual journey. I refuse to judge people who do things that I struggled with not long ago because I know what it's like to be there and I understand why people do what they do. I want to be the man who showed Christ-like love to people that other "Christians" wanted nothing to do with.

Love is louder than hate will ever be, I promise you that.

Irene, You Kinda Suck

Hey Irene! NOBODY LIKES YOU, you big dumb hurricane jerk face. That's why we named you Irene, because it's the name of gross old women that nobody likes.

Typical Irene

No offense to any Irene's out there, but the name just isn't pretty. So let's list out why we hate Irene.

1. Your name is ugly

Yes, we just mentioned this, but Irene is a gross, crappy name. I think of Hurricane Irene and I think of the woman pictured above, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and....and...well rain and wind. 

"I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on them homesssss" (Get it?? Homes? HA)

2. No one invited you!

You know that annoying friend who always stops by whenever you're laying down for a nap? Or the family member who calls right as you sit down for dinner? Or the guy who texts you on a Friday night and asks you to be invited to whatever you're doing? Yeah, Irene is all of those in one. GO HOME. Nobody wants you here, ya big dumb beast, kinda like Steve Urkel.

"Did I do that???"

Yeah, Steve, ya did, and Carl Winslow is gonna beat the crap out of you.

3. You were just here in 1999!!

Yeah. Little known fact, we already had a visit from Irene in 1999. She killed 18 people and did $800 million in damages! Would you invite that person back to your country? Heck to the no! 9 people and $300 million in damages, yeah, maybe I can get past that, but I can not afford to have friends who cost me that much money!! Go. Away. You. Suck.

4. You're ruining my Earthquake Survival Plan!!!

If you've already read the blog before this, my East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide, you know that I have a VERY organized plan on how to deal with the earthquake we just had, and YOU ARE RUINING IT! Megan, Mandy, and Carrie aren't gonna watch me accept my new role as World Leader if it's raining out! It'll ruin their hair! Bieber isn't going to help me shoot the earthquake in the face if it's raining out! It'll ruin his hair too! YOU SUCK SO HARD IRENE! I wish you were never born.

I WANT THIS AND YOU RUINED IT!!! :'(

Long story short, Irene is kind of a B word, and no one wants her here. Go terrorize the North Pole where there are no people. The penguins are bored and they could use some excitement. Go away!

"LEAVE THE EAST COAST ALONE!!!"

                                                    

YAY VISITORS YAY!

I hate Irene. She is not my friend. All the free baked goods in the world couldn't salvage this relationship. Stop scaring us!!!

AHHHH SCARY HURRICANE HORSE!!!

East Coast Earthquake Survival Guide

Yeah, have YOU ever experienced an earthquake? I have, and the devastation looked exactly like the above picture... except for all the damage. Ok, ok, ok, nothing actually happened, but I felt the building I was in shake! I've been an East coaster my entire life. I spent 23 years in Connecticut and the last 2 in Virginia, and I've never experienced an earthquake before today. It was crazy. But, now that I'm officially an Earthquake Survivor, let me tell YOU how to survive an Earthquake, East Coast style.

Step 1: Look at everyone around you with a face that says "Do you feel that?"
This is a key step in earthquake awareness. People see that face and realize "Ok, I'm not imagining that the ground is moving." It also creates a sense of camaraderie that is very crucial in case this earthquake results in a zombie apocalypse...which it probably will.

Step 2: Go on Facebook/Twitter to confirm that it was, in fact, an earthquake.
Yeah I felt the earth quake (noun + verb), but it wasn't until I went online that I realized what I experienced was, in fact, an earthquake (noun). You can't just run around creating pandemonium every time a big truck drives by your office or whenever you're surrounded by the cast of The Biggest Loser doing aerobics.

Step 3: Do NOT call or text people asking if they are ok
This shows that you are weak. There is no place for worry or compassion during a crisis of this magnitude!! I was in class when it struck and a girl said "Oh my gosh I hope everyone's ok!" I walked over to her, slapped her in the ear and stole her scientific calculator. This showed my dominance and natural leadership, making me a front runner for the position of Squad Leader in case mass chaos and zombie apocalyptica were to break out.

Justin Bieber and I will shoot an Earthquake IN THE FACE

\

Step 4: Find Boo, the world's cutest dog, and carry him to safety

Your number one priority in the case of an East Coast Earthquake is to find this adorable animal and keep him safe from any aftershocks, zombies, or bigger dogs who will try to mate with him. YOU'RE MY BOY, BOO! 

Step 5: Save the World, establish yourself as new world leader, get the girl

This sounds like 3 steps in one, but they are all intertwined. Once you have saved the world with your super hero skills, the world will elect you as supreme ruler. They would be stupid not to. They just saw you and Bieber shoot an earthquake in the face. You deserve it. Once this happens, you will most definitely get "the girl". Who is "the girl"? You'll know when you see her. She probably looks like this:

or this

or this

but definitely not this

She will be by your side while you thank the world for electing you it's new leader. When your epic speech is done you look her in the eyes, dip her, and kiss her good and long while the world cheers you on. 

BOOM. End of story. Crisis averted and all is well with the world. YOU ARE WELCOME. Now take appropriate actions and make moves. The world is waiting. So is this Koala.