5 Relationship Tips From a Guy Who Has No Right To Give Relationship Tips

Let me start out by letting you all know that I couldn't be any LESS qualified to write a blog about relationships, but if you're here for legit advice, that's your own fault, not mine. I'm already preparing myself for a life of answering the question of "Uncle Dean, how come you don't have a wife and kids?", so this is gonna be rough.

On that note, here we go!

1. Date someone you're attracted to

Yeah, I said it, and no, this doesn't make you shallow! Romantic relationships are supposed to be with someone you're attracted to! I have plenty of amazing people in my life that I'm not attracted to, and they're called THE GUYS. If we're dating and I look at you like I look at them, things are going to get REALLY weird REALLY fast. 

2. Don't talk about how hot other people are

This seems obvious, but it's not. Girls have self esteem issues because of the fake perfection projected in the media. We all know that, but guys don't have it so easy either! I don't see guys ranting and raving about their Boy's Night where they went and saw a movie about strippers or reading books like "50 Shades of Magic Mike and Gross Stuff" or whatever the heck it's called. I know it's not that big a deal, but hearing people in relationships talk about how hot some celebrity or whoever is weirds me out. Think it, say it to your bros/gals, but your boyfriend or girlfriend is not the person to talk to about that. Tell your significant other that they're hot and you are attracted to them and like kissing their face. It's nicer to hear. 

3. STOP TAKING MIRROR PICS

What the heck? Why do I even have to say this? Mirror pics already scream "I WANT ATTENTION", and when you're in a relationship and STILL POSTING THEM ON THE INTERNET, you clearly are not ready to be in a relationship...or on my news feed. Knock it off. Yeah, you. Stop it. It's stupid

4. Look out for the other person

If you're with someone and just trying to make sure that they make you happy, things are going to fall apart. If you're with someone who's doing the same thing, it's still going to fall apart. Relationships are supposed to be with two people who love each other, and if you love each other, you want to make the other person happy, and if you're both working to make the other person happy, then you'll both be happy! SO SIMPLE. But not. But give it a shot. If you're thinking "I'm not gonna try to make them happy because they don't/won't/can't do that for me" then your relationship is already screwed and you're clearlyyyyyy reading the wrong blog.

5. Don't try to change each other

"Maybe I'm what he needs to change."- Dumb girls

We get it ladies, you like the bad boys because you can't shut off your maternal instinct and you want to fix him and for some reason all you see is that sliver of good in that guy who treats you like crap. But seriously, DON'T DO IT. If you're going into a relationship thinking "This person can become what I'm looking for in a significant other" or "I really don't like this about them, but they'll grow out of it", YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL. People are pretty set in their ways. Yes, we should all be growing up and improving ourselves, but most people aren't, and if you're always comparing who you're with with who you're hoping they become, it's not going to be fun for either of you. And yes, relationships should be fun.

This was dumb, but I think we can all walk away saying "I didn't learn anything and I'll never get that 5 minutes back." High five!

CHRISTMAS BLOG! FLUFFY PUPPIES!

(Sing the following lines to the tune of "Jingle Bells") 

CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG, CHRISTMAS BLOG AND STUFFFFFF, BLAH BLAH BLAH AND CHRISTMAS STUFF AND CHRISTMAS BLOG AND YEAH!!!

Not the best song I've ever written, but I think it truly captures the raw emotion behind my childish love for Christmas. If you didn't sing along with it, you can just stop reading now because clearly you're not fun. Or nice. Or a good person.

The Christmas season is my favorite time of year. If you know me at all, you know I think Jesus is awesome, and this is His birthday, so yeah, I'm down to get down for Jesus. Besides that though, the Christmas season seems to bring out the best in everyone. No idea why, but no matter what you believe, what holiday you celebrate, or what your opinion on Jesus is, people really step up their game for the month of December. 

"But isn't it sad that people are only being kinder out of obligation?"

NOPE. Don't care. I'm no respecter of persons, but nice people are awesome, and mean, selfish people pretty much suck. Not a fan. My vote for president may have been based on who smiled more. Or was it? Or wasn't it?! WHO KNOWS, READER! All I'm saying is, kindness breeds kindness, and there's a whole lot of kindness breeding going on this time of year. I imagine when kindness breeds with more kindness, the offspring looks something like this:

or this

So clearly: 

-December is when people are kind 

-Kindness breeds fluffy puppies

-God shaves the fluffy puppies and lets their fluff rain down from heaven

-And that, children, is where we get snow. 

Obviously the puppies are magical so once they're shaved they're immediately fluffy again, but I'm assuming you knew that.

I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I'm caught in some weird, happy puppy euphoria, but the point I'm trying to make is that kindness goes a long way. If everyone was more kind regardless of what they were getting in return, the world would be a lot less crappy than what we're currently living in. My challenge for you this Christmas season is to love people, regardless of whether they love you back or not. Heck, maybe even keep it up after Christmas is over? Maybe? No pressure, but you should. Regardless of your stance on the Bible, the message of "love your neighbor as yourself" is a pretty good one, so let's all give it a shot.

Now crank up your favorite Christmas album, put on your happy face, and get out there and love some people!

That sounded weird, but you know what I meant. Merry Christmas everyone! MORE FLUFFY PUPPIES!

AHH!

GIMME!

SO FLUFFY!

Ok I'm done...

one more...

CHRISTMAS FLUFFIES!

OLYMPICS AMERICA YEAH!

WOOHOOOO OLYMPICS! AMERICA! DOMINATION! YEAH! AMERICA! MORE EXCITING WORDS! PHELPS! OLYMPICS! AMERICA! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AMERICA!

OLYMPICS! 

PHELPSOLYMPICSAMERICAGOLDGOLDGOLDAMERICAOLYMPICS YEAHHHH!!!!

The Olympics are here, suckers! (Say "Olympics" a few times. Very weird word. I almost puked after saying it 4 times in a row. Just doesn't feel right in my mouth.) 

Nothing is simultaneously as awesome and stupid as the Olympics. It's like a huge World War Royal Rumble. No Axis, no Allies, just one-on-one-on-one...actually it's really just U.S.A. vs China but we let the other countries pretend they have a chance because we're nice. You're welcome, Bosnia.

It's also incredibly stupid. No one gives a crap about synchronized swimming. Out of 100 synchronized swimmers polled, 95% don't even care about synchronized swimming. (I made that up, but I'm sure that's how that poll would have gone.) So stupid. How do you even find out you're good at synchronized swimming? 

You jump in the pool with all your friends and they're all like "Let's play Marco Polo!" 

But you're all like "I'd rather dance...in the water...in unison...with all of you!" 

And then your friends say "We don't care if you're the only kid in our neighborhood with a pool, we don't want to be your friend."

And then you have no friends so you join a synchronized swimming team at the YMCA and *BOOM* Olympian. That's the worst story ever. There's a reason there's no Disney Channel Original Movie called "Synch!"

Anyway, America is awesome. We're simultaneously the most obese nation on the planet AND the most dominant athletes. It's great. Who else can do that? No one. ONLY 'MERICA!!!! Gosh I hope we just win everything. Badminton team just smashing shuttlecocks into people's faces, Archer's just Robin Hood-ing all over everyone, splitting arrows and being unstoppable, and wrestlers just crushing people and ending the matches with some WWE moves just to show how ridiculous we are. That's all I want for the next however many days. Heck, let's just take home the gold in the luge, even though it's summer! WE'RE AMERICA! WE DECIDE WHAT SEASON IT IS! 

AAAMMMMEEEERRRRIIIICCCCAAAAA!!!!!!

OLYMPICS!!!

POMMEL HORSE!

AMERICA!!!! 

DOG LOBSTER DOG LOBSTER!!!!!

Adult Zits and Softball

Yeah 90's girl! Pop that junk!

I can't go a day without seeing a Neutrogena commercial or a Proactiv billboard telling me that if my face isn't completely blemish free, I'm going to die alone and never experience true happiness. Granted, that's kind of accurate, but still, step off bro!

Zits suck. I went through adolesence relatively unscathed in the acne department, but I think it showed God's justice and balance because I already looked like this:

Add some pimples to this train wreck of wanna-be punk rock sweat bands, being wayyyy too skinny, and dad jeans, and I can't even imagine where I'd be today. Not awesome, that's for sure.

But now, at the age of 26, the occasional little zit shows up like "WHERE'S THE PUBERTY PARTY?!" and I'm all like "NO! You're 13 years late, Zit bro!" It's the worst. This little sucker showed up on my neck yesterday and yes, I understand it happens to everyone, but still, I didn't invite him and he kinda hurts.

I'm pretty sure these one-man-sneak-attack zit appearances at my age are worse than the breakouts when you're young. At least then, everyone expects it. It's like me and sports...


("Ohhh this explains the title."-You)


When I played baseball in 5th grade I could chill out in left field, pick the grass and play with my cup all day and no one gave a crap. I barely remember anything about playing that year except for the team pool party. But no one cared because I was young and that's what they expect, like a pimpley face. Now, I'm playing Men's softball in a town league with a bunch of friends and some older guys, and GOD FORBID a well hit grounder gets by me! It's like death stare central! So nerve wracking. That's how I feel when I get one random zit. It's like "Yeah, you make a good effort and you're a clean person, but come on bro, you're 26 with a zit. No one likes you."  SUCKS. SO SO BAD. Get off me zit. I don't need you all up in my dermis. 

NO! YOU MAY NOT ASK A QUESTION BABY LION!

Ok fine, you can use the restroom. Don't forget to take the pass.

Goodbye Lynchburg, VA

In case the symbolism isn't obvious, I'm the tiger, and Lynchburg is the tree. I'm very strong, masculine, and affectionate, while Lynchburg is...tall...and...barky...ok this analogy sucks but you get the point. I'm moving back to Connecticut after spending three awesome years in Lynchburg and it's all hitting me. I've established a new life, new friends, and new opportunities here in Lynchburg and as much as I am 100% confident moving back to Connecticut is the right choice, it still sucks. I've made some amazing friends and met some of the most incredible people here, and I'll never forget that.

The hardest part about this move, though, isn't looking back on what I accomplished. It's looking back on what I didn't. I'm leaving my "Lynchburg Life" with so many regrets, and the closer I get to leaving the more I wish I had done more while I was here. For example:

• I regret being surrounded by wiser, stronger, more mature men and not taking the time to learn more from them
• I regret not investing more in other people 
• I regret sleeping in
• I regret nearly all the time I spent on my couch
• I regret all the money I spent on Starbucks for myself and not for getting to know others
• I regret not taking more chances
• I regret "going with the flow"
• I regret not mentoring, even though I knew I should have
• I regret not serving more
• I regret avoiding difficult people who probably really needed me

I could go on, but you get the point. I did some awesome things while I was here, played great music, got involved at an amazing church, and met some amazing people, no doubt, but I'm leaving with the overwhelming feeling that I didn't do enough. Not even close. I'm almost embarrassed at how little I did.

I think we're all pretty sick of the "#YOLO" thing. Every time I hear it I want to choke a puppy, and we all know I love puppies, so that's pretty serious. But it is so true. You only live once. I'm seeing it so clearly now. I'm so upset I didn't do more over the past three years, and this is just a small glimpse of how I could end up viewing my entire life if I don't change things now. I don't want to be on my death bed, looking back on the years I lived, wishing I did more. I can't let that happen, and I know you can't either.

Deep down inside, we all know we're worth more, we should be doing more, and should be becoming more than what we are now. So as someone making a big step and moving back home, with a very real perspective of how little I've done for the world, humanity, my community, and my God, let me be the one to cut the crap and tell you: Go do something that matters. Go be someone who matters.

Time to make moves, kids.

 Is this cloud a rabbit? Or is this rabbit a cloud? I don't even know, man, but I like his swag.

Types of Girls That Scare Me

Girls are great. I love them. Maybe too much. I love bro-ing down with my bros and having some bro time just like any other bro, but after awhile, I need some ladies in my life. Not in a flirty, creepy, sexual way, I just need some females in, on, or around my life. It's essential. Like water, minus the whole "you'll die if you don't have it" thing. BUT some girls are OMGZHOLYCRAP crazy and it's horrifying. Not every girl, just certain ones. Here it goes.

1. The Self Photographer

WE GET IT. YOU'RE HOT AND YOU WANT US TO KNOW IT. Yeah, I get that sometimes you want us to see your new haircut or your new shoes or whatever, but that shouldn't be too common. What's even crazier is when girls put up a picture of them making the "duck face" and then add some random lyric, Bible verse, or fem-nazi quote as the caption as if it justifies the self pic. How does that make any sense?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me <3" Phil 4:13

Great verse but girl, what the heck is wrong with your dumb stupid brain. 

2. The Ambiguous Tweeter

Nothing says "I'm an immature little baby child" like going to Twitter and saying things like:

"Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't so two-faced"

"Oh ok, I guess I'm only your friend when it's convenient for you."

"I wish people cared about other people more than themselves."

These are all random, but I see this ALL the time. It's awful. If you have a problem with someone, GO TALK TO THEM OR SHUT UP. No one wants to hear it, and even if we did, you're being so ambiguous that I don't even know what the heck you're talking about, and that's no fun for anyone.

3. The "I'm Not Like Other Girls" Girl

You know who thinks they aren't like every other girl? EVERY OTHER GIRL. As soon as a girl says that, I know that not only is she like every other girl, she's also a little cray cray in the dome piece. Not a fan. I'm alot like every other guy, no shame in admitting it.Yes, I'm my own person, but most guys have a lot in common, and so do you, ladies.

4. The "I Don't Get Along With Other Girls" Girl

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. If you only have one best girl friend at a time and they come and go every couple of months, you are trouble. I will put BIG money on that, every time. People are really easy to get along with as long as you're not selfish, so if you have multiple best friends who have become enemies, you're either a bad judge of character or bat crap crazy.

5. The Sad Single Girl

Listen, it's very hard for me to feel bad about how sad and lonely you are and how much you want a cuddle buddy when I'M SAD AND LONELY AND ALSO NEED A CUDDLE BUDDY. That's a lie. I have Duck to cuddle with but he's not very talkative. Kinda boring. But yeah, if you can't be happy single, you're not gonna be happy in a relationship either, so that means you're just not a happy person, and I am wayyyyy to peppy to deal with that.

I could go on, but that's it for now. Ladies, I love ya, and to those who don't do this stuff, I love ya even more. Let's hug. Like this:

"CANNNN YOU FEEELLLL THE LOVEEE TONIGHTTTTT LITTLE BUNNIESSSSS"

I Bought a Stuffed Duck. His name is Duck.

That's Duck! On the right. Not the dog, but the duck. I'm a father kinda! Two weeks ago I was heading up to Toronto to play some music with some cool guys. We all decided to stop at a grocery store the night before and pick up food, drinks, and snacks to save money on the trip. Instead, I dropped $22 on this duck, like an idiot. I found him abandoned in the home goods section, aisles and aisles away from all his other stuffed Easter buddies. I couldn't just leave him!!! HE NEEDED ME! So, I bought him, and when I told the elderly cashier lady I was in my mid-twenties she looked at me in disgust and asked if I was sick in the head. CLEARLY she has no heart, like this guy:

Anyway, I love Duck, and he loves me, and he's basically got swag on swag on swag. So much duck swag. Let me give you the stats:

• Barking/Quacking: Never
• Food Costs: $0
• Vet Costs: $0
• Poops: Rarely 
• Cuddleability: 1037% (I don't know what that means but it feels accurate)

Basically, Duck is the man, and I love his squishy duck face. Best pet ever. I'm a freakin' baby child and I don't even care. Not even a little.

LOOK AT THIS FACE! So much love.

I'm Officially an Old Man

Yup, that's me. Maybe not literally, but that's how I currently see myself. Yes, I'm only 25, but I've noticed a few things about the way I handle my life that prove I am, in fact, an old geezer.

1. My Clothes
I've recently had friends give me some fashion advice along the lines of:

"You should wear skinny jeans instead of slim fit or boot cut."
"You should try fitted hats instead of regular curved-brim baseball hats."
"You should wear some kind of shoe besides Converse."

Although I know this is all good, solid fashion advice that will keep me up to date with today's trends, I DO NOT GIVE A CRAP. I couldn't be more set in my ways than I am now in regards to my clothes. I will be wearing slim fit (NOT skinny) jeans, Converse All Stars, and a t shirt until the day I die (unless I'm in the office, of course) and on the rare day I wear a hat it will be my black Boston Red Sox hat, facing forward, with a curved brim, because I have a small head and New Era fitted hats look dumb on me. So yeah, THAT makes me an old man.

2. My Music
I've recently become a big Spotify user, and it's shown me this: even with nearly every song ever written at my disposal, I'd rather listen to songs I grew up listening too. When it's beautiful outside and I need to roll down the windows and have a sing-a-long, "Cute Without the 'E'" by Taking Back Sunday will ALWAYS be my go to, until I die. My kids will know the words to that song.

"But there's so many new artists coming out!"

Don't care. I've actually said the words "Music when I was younger was better." Yeah, how geezer-ish is THAT?! Super geezer.

3. My Sense of Humor
People keep telling me I have a "Dad" sense of humor. Why? Because I tell dumb jokes, knowing they're dumb, and walk away laughing out loud even though no one else thinks it's funny. My Dad does that. I do that. For example:

GET IT?! HE COULDN'T FIND THE TIME BECAUSE HIS WATCH WAS MISSING!!!! BAHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHA ok I'm done. Yeah, I'm old.

So yeah, I'm an old man now and I don't care, which proves even more that I'm an old man. GROSS. It's only a matter of time before I start calling kids whippersnappers and telling them about "the good ol' days." God help me. CUTE ANIMAL.

I'm In Love...Again aka Canada Blog Part 2

Well, add one more to my list of "Girl's I'm In Love With For Stupid Reasons". Carly Rae Jepsen has stolen my heart. Why? Because she just released the CATCHIEST song I've ever heard in my life and she sounds ADORABLE singing it. Seriously, my legs turn to jello every time she sings the words "call me maybe." Like this:

Yes, my legs literally turn into a sealed box of sugar-free cherry jello. This song and her delivery are stinkin' adorable. It's also potentially the least masculine song ever written, but I really don't care. "Shame" isn't something I have a lot of, if I even have any. Here's the song.

As if the song isn't fruity enough, the music video really doesn't help. I think it took that guy a solid 90 seconds to finally get his shirt off. At least I know she likes guys with tattoos! #hopelessoptimist. But seriously, how catchy is this song?! Doesn't it make you want to get up and dance until you pass out and fall in love with a stranger and all that other fun Disney-esque stuff? It does for me. Shoot whattttttt. 

But here's the REAL issue. As I mentioned in my first blog ever, "Oh Canada", I've spent most of my life making fun of Canada for really no reason except that it's LIKE America, but NOT America. Then, I went to Toronto last year to play bass for Paul Davidson at Canadian Music Week and had the time of my life! (Check out his tunes here. I played bass on these tracks. NBD. *brushes dirt off shoulders*)  Canada was awesome. Then, I watched the Bieber movie. LOVED IT. Now, Canada is dropping this little fireball of a song on me and I just can't help but love the Great White North! Listen here, Canada, if you're trying to seduce me, it is working, and it's working REAL good. I'm about to buy an igloo and a polar bear and start a new life in Canadia! Seriously, it's tempting.

P.S. To everyone saying "How old is this girl Dean? YA PERV!", she's 26. BOOYAH right in front of your mom!!! #KevinHartQuote She's a year older than me. Eat it. Now...HIT ME WITH A POLAR BEAR!!

I didn't literally mean "eat it" silly bear.

Parenting Advice from Someone Who Has No Kids

Kids horrify me. Seriously if a kid is misbehaving for more than 7 seconds around me it makes me want to punt a puppy, and we all know how much I love puppies, so that's saying a lot.

Just like that. 

But here's the story that inspired this blog. I decided to go see my school's hockey team play tonight. Hockey is always a fun time and we bludgeoned this random team from Oklahoma 3-1. Sweet, sweet victory. BUT while I'm watching the game, I get distracted. My friends picked up on this kid picking his nose and ears for basically the whole hockey game, going to town on his own face holes. Kinda like this:

Yeah, it was kinda gross and obviously a little distracting, but was he harming anyone? Nope, just picking away like a champ. He was sitting next to his Dad and what does his Dad do? NOTHING. He just lets his kid do his thing. Why not, right? No one has ever died from eating boogies so he just lets his kid go for it. Well done, Fun Dad.

THEN later on I see this:

Two kids, completely closed in by hockey nets, rocking out SO HARD to the Friend's theme song. Just loving life and throwing their own little party. I only videotaped for a little bit because, let's be real, videotaping little kids in public is rarely a good look. After the video ends, the father of these kids walks over and makes them stop! What the heck!? Parents, how often do your kids VOLUNTARILY lock themselves in a cage and have the time of their lives? Rarely. Very rarely. Captain Buzz Killer McFunsucker-ton clearly didn't appreciate the golden opportunity to enjoy some hockey without wiping his son's runny nose and listen to him yell in his face about what he drew in school today. What a shame. Luckily, the child responded to getting kicked out by running out of the nets, sliding on his knees and strumming his inflatable boom stick like a guitar, Marty McFly style. Love this kid. If some amazing woman every tricks me into procreating with her, I hope my kid is just like him. Heck, I'll build him his own cage in our house with 12" woofers and a disco ball if he wants it!

In short, I feel like parents should let their kids live a little. Go ahead, pick your boogers, dance in your little hockey net fort. Just don't hurt yourself or, more importantly, the child of rich parents. They'll sue, and let's be honest, I don't have the time or money to win a court case about my kid making your kid eat a Wiffle bat. I lose that case 10 out of 10 times.

                                         I WHIP MY EARS BACK AND FORTH! 

Heck yeah puppy. Get some. You two tell all the parents you're not sorry for party rocking. Not even a little.

Some Valentine's Day Encouragement

It's ok crying girl. We all feel ya. 

Let's set the tone for this blog with a few quick translations:

"I hate Valentine's Day" = I want a boyfriend/girlfriend

"Another Valentine's Day alone..." = Keep me away from sharp objects and large quantities of prescription medication.

"Can't wait to spend the day with my love!" = HAHA YOU'RE LONELY AND I'M NOT :P

"Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday" = For some reason I think a greeting card company has the power to create national holidays.

You either love Valentine's Day because you're with someone you care about or you hate it because you're not. Orrrrrrrrrrr there are about 10% of us who really don't give a crap and are gonna make the most of it. I can celebrate love even if I'm not IN LOVE, so me and some close friends are gonna dress up and look awesome and have a fun night together instead of me taking my significant other out to dinner because she'll dump me if I don't. KAAAAAAABOOM.

I'm sure there are a few guys who will legitimately be sad that they aren't with someone, but this next part is mainly FOR THE SINGLE LADIES. This is why you should be happy on Valentine's day:

1. Being Single Means You Aren't With A Guy Who's a Big Jerk

Am I right or am I right?! If you feel lonely, think of the worst, most miserable couple you know of and be happy that you are NOT in that relationship. Yeahhhhh buddy.

2. Justin Bieber Loves You

You're welcome.

3. You Can Be MY Valentine!
Lucky you, right?! Due to the high demand on ME, we're gonna have to handle this all Glen Beck-style and allow me to have multiple Valentines (POUNDSIGNMORMONJOKE) but that doesn't mean you're any less special to me! For the low cost of $1/One Doll Hair, I will text you tomorrow and say "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful! I'm the luckiest guy alive :)". How freakin' cute is that?! What a BARGAIN.



Ok let's be real, if you really are depressed about Valentine's Day, none of the things I just said are gonna help, but maybe this will: Don't let another person's existence in your life determine your ability to be happy. Male or female, single or taken, you're an awesome person capable of awesome things in life, and God loves you and shows it more than any human Valentine ever could. (happy tears). So, with that being said, Happy Valentine's Day everyone, and celebrate love because it's awesomely awesome.

Also, kiss a stranger on the mouth. They'll get over it and you'll have a great story to tell. And make it look something like this:

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's a llama kissing a deer. Yup. Mhmm.

"I'm a model." Yeah, OK.

I'M NOT FOOLED. If everything people say on Facebook is accurate, 83% of the females I know are models. That sounds like a dream life and all, but let's be real: people are liars. Maybe "liars" is too harsh, but "people who exaggerate what they really do to make themselves look cooler" is pretty dead on. 

I can't go an hour without hearing a girl on Facebook try to convince me she's a model, and I'll be honest, it's exhausting. I can think of 3-4 girls I know personally who have actually done some legit modeling and have the right to say that, but the rest of you need to knock it off. 

Here are two definitions of a model according to Dictionary.com

4. a person or thing that serves as a subject for an artist,sculptor, writer, etc.

or

5. a person whose profession is posing for artists or photographers.

"I totally qualify for that first one!"- Girl with wishful thinking. 

Yes, at the time the shoot is taking place, you are a model for that photographer. But if the photographer turns around when he's done with you and takes a picture of an apple, that apple is a model too. That's right, for that small moment in time you are as much of a model as a piece of fruit. DOESN'T COUNT.

Show me a pay stub or receipt for money you made modeling for someone, show me published work you've done, or show me a legit resume, and you can talk about your modeling career all day. Otherwise, please stop. Please. PLEASE.

Sorry if you're offended...ok maybe I'm not. It's not my problem if you're offended that you ARE NOT a model. Most girls aren't, and that's fine. You can still be an awesome non-model, but nothing is less awesome than trying to convince people you're something you're not. But, it's time for me to wrap this up and get back to my career as a professional musician...HA! See what I did there? Irony is funny.

STRIKE A POSE YOU ADORABLE SEAL PUP!!!

5 Old Songs That Will Make You a Happy Person

Want to be as happy as that baby? OF COURSE YOU DO! Here's some fun old school jams that will instantly make you forget how much of a miserable fun sucker you are and actually let you enjoy life a little! Awesome sauce.

1.   Earth Wind and Fire  - Let's Groove

If this song doesn't make you dance, you have no soul. Just make sure you're alone when you're singing along to the high parts...or don't. WHATEVS.

2. Stevie Wonder  -Signed, Sealed, Delivered

By the end of this song you'll want to quit your job, fall in love, and frolic through a magical field of marshmallows and cotton candy. But you shouldn't. That's irresponsible and mildly extremely ridiculous.

3. Eric Clapton - Change the World

Not a dance song, but it sounds like Eric Clapton is literally singing your problems away. Sooooo smooth. Makes me want to set up a hammock right here in Starbucks and read an awesome book...which is weird...because I don't own a hammock...or books.

\\

4. Hall and Oates -You Make My Dreams Come True

If you've seen 500 Days of Summer (which I haven't because I'm too manly. Obviously.), then you've heard this song. It's as happy as the title sounds and the dance sequence in that movie is pretty hilarious, especially if you've seen the movie and get the context. Here it is, kiddies.

5. Doobie Brothers -Long Train Running (Without Love)

If you're not tapping your foot within 3 seconds of that guitar riff, our friendship is OVER.

There you have it folks. If you were having a rough day, I hope this helped. If you were having a great day, I hope it's even greater...er. Greaterer. Yeah, way more greaterer. HOKED ON FONIX WURKED FOUR MIII!!!!!!

Nicki Manaj #5 Most Desirable Woman? Really?!

According to a list of the 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012 on AskMen.com featured on Yahoo.com, Nicki Manaj, female MC and member of Young Money is #5. Number 5. NUMBER 5!!!!! That's absolutely insane. No, she's not ugly and yes, a girl who can rap gets some extra hot points, but number 5!? OUT OF EVERY GIRL IN THE WORLD?!?!?! I feel like I know at least 50 girls personally that are more "desirable" than her. Even if the oh-so-stunning Mandy Moore wore the outfit Nicki is wearing in the pic above, she would instantly be a few steps below Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife as far as "desirability".

No, no, you absolutely are not.

The people saying "Nicki Manaj is desirable" are the same people telling me Lady Gaga is a fashion icon.

Really? REALLY?!?!?!

There's a gigantic difference between "I'm innovative" and "I'M STRAIGHT UP BAT CRAP CRAZY BLAHHHH!!!". Being that weird is not hot, or desirable, and I'm sick of being told it is. The media has gone insane. Tim Tebow is weird for praying before a football game, and Nicki Manaj is the 5th Most Desirable Woman on Earth. Really? 

Really??

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me too, little puff ball thing that might be a cat, me too. 

The Men's Guide to Chapstick

I, like most people, have a very strict routine for preparing myself for the day before I leave the house. Wallet goes in the back right pocket (don't rob me), guitar picks and spare change in my front right (again,don't rob me, but if you do, pick this pocket instead), keys go on a carabiner hanging off my right-most belt loop (scene points) and last but not least the iPhone and Chapstick go in the left pocket. IF YOU COME NEAR THAT POCKET I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR FACE!! TO DEATH!! AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!! 

Look at my list of valued possessions and you'll understand why:

1. iPhone

2. Chapstick

3. Back-up Chapstick

4. Family and Friends

5. Back-up back-up Chapstick.

Yes, ChapStick is pretty important to me. If you've read my blog on Bad Kissers, I demonstrated that my lips are mildly gigantic. It's borderline disgusting. So, Chapstick is a pretty essential part of maintaining those suckers. 

"Dean, Chapstick is for girls!"

WRONG, READER! ChapStick is for dudes! Flaky lips are gross, regardless of gender, and I don't want them. That being said, my fellow bro-man-dudes and I can't just jump up in public and scream "I'M GOING TO MOISTEN MY LIPS NOW!" and not expect people to question our sexuality. SO here's some guidelines for my fellow man:

1, Be Sneaky

Don't just put it on mid-conversation with another dude. Wait until you go in the bathroom or walk behind a wall or something. Nothing says "I'm getting ready to suck your face" like putting on ChapStick while someone's talking to you. **LADIES: If you're talking to me and I put on ChapStick I promise I'm not going to kiss rape you. Don't be scared. Scurred. Don't be scurrreeeedddd. But seriously I'm addicted and I put it on without even thinking about it.**

2, Don't Do the "Post-application Pucker"

You know that kiss-looking thing girls do after they put on lipstick? Yeah, don't do that. Ever. I'll smack ya. With an animal. Maybe a duck. 

3. NO FLAVORS

Yes.

Great choice!

Why not?

                                         

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YA FAIRY!

Yeah, you get the point.

Men, embrace the ChapStick, let's just keep it as manly as possible. Keeping your lips smooth doesn't mean you have to start taking ballet lessons and writing haikus about how no one understands you. Let's take back Chap Stick, FOR MEN! And once that's done, let's all look at this adorable puppy.

I don't even understand why he's cute but dang, look at his freakin' cute puppy face!

The Smiling Car Door Smasher

Ok, this isn't the car door smasher, but she looks pretty similar. Ready for a story? Here it goes.

SO I leave Starbucks with my usual: Grande Pikes Place with Pumpkin Spice. "Room for cream?" HECK NO BARISTA. I'm a man. So, I sit in my car, place my beverage in my cup holder, and KABOOM the lady next to me SMASHES my car door with hers, and I mean SSSMMMAAASSSHHHEEESSS it. My car shook. Hard. So i look up at her with a face that's a weird mix of anger/confusion/fear. I think it looked like this:

I'm waiting for some kind of apology or maybe mouthing "I'm so sorry!" to me through my closed window. What does she actually do? SHE SMILES AND WAVES WHILE SHE'S GETTING INTO HER CAR! What the heck?! It was the kind of smile-and-wave combo that you would use to say "Hey there, acquaintance! I know you well enough to acknowledge you in public but not enough to stop and say hi!". Do I know her? Nope. Never seen her in my life. But, that's the way she chose to react to this potentially awkward situation.

Now I'm even more confused, but my overly-friendly instincts take over and I just smile and wave back! She somehow flipped this whole situation around so I went from "WHO THE POOP JUST SMASHED MY CAR?!" to "Hey, good seeing you to!". What. The. Heck. This lady is clearly some kind of witch. Or Wicca. Or Wiccen? I have no idea how to spell these words but you know what I mean. SHE HAS POWERS. I don't know what was in her Starbucks cup, but it was probably something to fuel her magic, and I want some. It's times like these I wish I went to Hogwarts so I could cast a "SORRIUS FOR MY SMASHIUS" spell on her and get an apology!

SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

Ok, maybe she saw how crappy my car is and thought "This kid clearly doesn't care about a ding in his car." and yes, she would be right, but still. This whole thing has left me confused and I still don't know how I feel about this woman. I'm equal parts impressed and offended. If she's married, God help that man. He is probably TOTALLY whipped by her and has no idea. He probably spends all day cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush and is actually convinced he likes it. She needs to be stopped. And I need to stop her...TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Thanks, attack puppy. At least SOMEONE has my back!